This Just In: Friday's Headline "News"

• Toyota…victim of  “Unintended Documentation.”  Uh-oh. Big time company lawyer bails on Toyota:  And that’s a problem because?  Because he took 6,000 internal documents with him.  Documents that suggest Toyota has been “less than completely forthcoming” about cars that have “sudden acceleration” then “sudden deceleration” problems when they’re finally brought to a stop by things like concrete bridge abutments.
• Not so fast.  Virginia becomes first state to propose legislation telling Obama administration and congress to “stuff it” so far as forcing citizens to buy health insurance is concerned. Stipulation won’t fly in Old Dominion and possibly 34 other states that are reported ready to oppose being jacked-up by “Obamacare.”
• Crazed nut meets fashion flake:  Iran’s bog-looney president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, meets vogue-vain Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, in Kabul.  Throws arms around silk-caped, pillbox-hatted Afghan leader in embarrassing moment that looked very much like precursor to tickle party.  Probably was.  Humiliating.
• Documentary on Eliot Spitzer will be shown at the Tribeca Film Festival exploring “the hidden contours of hubris, sex and power” of the ex-NY Governor.  No word yet on possible full frontal nudity, save for socks, and whether film will carry a rating of “X.”  But, likely.  While context is different, suggested “working title” is borrowed from mid-80’s sci-fi film:  “The Fly.” 
• As New York state free falls into catastrophic fiscal abyss, Brooklyn legislator introduces bill to eliminate salt in preparing food in restaurants. Swear.  New York chefs want Assemblyman Felix Ortiz’s head.  New York MENSA society does not.
• “Just ‘Zippo’ me and let it go.”  Economy’s cost of living hits cost of dying.  According to the Cremation Association of North America, more than a third of the 2.5 million Americans who die this year will opt for cremation over traditional burial. Average traditional funeral cost – as high as $8,500.  “Burn and Urn” – three to five grand and you’re toast.  So to speak.
• Déjà vu all over again?  Weather forecasters – who can’t tell you what conditions will be next weekend – are forecasting “an above average Atlantic hurricane season” for 2010.  Exactly as they did for 2009.  When season ended with the fewest storms since 1997 and for the first time since 2006, no hurricanes made U.S. landfall.  Shake dice.  Throw.
• Was it Ladies’ Day?  “Tire shine, $2.00.”  74-year-old Cape Cod resident goes through car wash when clothing snags on vehicle as it was being pulled inside.  Carol Burton-Groman got “the works.”  Undercarriage wash, spray wax, triple foam protection. A few bruises, too.  But won’t have to bathe for a month.

"News" on a Thursday

• “Loser Executives Get ‘Pity’ Bonuses.”  Missed your earnings target? Stock in the toilet? Shareholders want you disemboweled like Mel Gibson in Braveheart?  Forget a hug.  You need a bonus.  And a number of executives who fit the “loser” profile are getting them.  United Technologies top six execs get $4.5-million despite missing profit goals. As does Starbucks CEO, Hewlett Packard’s, and others. And how’re you doing?  Well, screw you.
• Child “critical” after dog attack in Lithonia, Ga.  8-year-old was jumped while innocently playing in her own front yard by neighbor’s (A) Peekapoos.  (B) Cocker Spaniels.  (C) Scottish Terriers.  (D)  Pit Bulls.  Choose one.  Hint:  Go with the Pit Bulls.  
• Toyota Prius featured in proposed new theme park thrill ride:  Customers would be seated in car, given recorded instruction, “Okay, turn it on!”  Points awarded on basis of how completely ensuing crash disintegrates car body and whether resulting physical injuries require transfusions.
• President to take “second look” at waterboarding:  Analysts say heretofore controversial procedure may be gaining favor as a possible tool in pushing administration’s healthcare overhaul through both chambers of commerce by Mr. Obama’s deadline of one week from tomorrow.  Process would be personally overseen by Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: “We know this could be persuasive.”
• Quake Oddity:  How powerful was the Chilean earthquake last month?  Powerful enough to shift the entire city of Concepcion – Chile’s second largest with nearly 300,00 population – fully 10 feet to the west.  With apologies to Dice Clay:  “We’re over here, now!”
• China considers ban on eating “Champ” and “Fluffy”:  Signals willingness to stop citizens from eating dogs and cats as part of a larger proposal to toughen laws on animal welfare. Obviously would come over the objections of individuals like “Li,” hostess at “Han River Dog Meat Restaurant” in central Guangzhou – who explains, “Dog meat is good for your metabolism. It helps you sweat.”  And there is an endorsement if ever we’ve heard one.
• Big Banks – On Your Side:  Pittsburgh woman sues Bank of America claiming B of A not only foreclosed on her home though she was up to date on her payments, but swiped her beloved parrot when they seized the house.  The bank denies wrongdoing, although it did give the woman the bird.   And in every sense of that phrase, apparently.
• “Does the First Amendment cover the Third Finger?”   Robert Ekas contends, yes it does.  Lawsuit claims his rights were violated when he flipped-off sheriff’s deputies in Clackamas, Oregon and got “punitive” traffic tickets as a result. Ekas charges he’s being harassed. Says he routinely gives the law the finger as a form of dissent to protest “police violence.”  Freedom of Speech (and/or “gesture”) case is now before a federal court.

Some "News" For Your Wednesday

• Toyota to sell accompanying Highway Patrol cars with new Prius models:  After San Diego incident in which Highway Patrol Cruiser was able to slow and finally stop yet another screaming Stephen King model Prius…company will, as an option, offer Patrol Cruisers to purchasers…mechanically linked to front of popular hybrid to act as brake in the event of further SAVE-US-JESUS-WE’RE-ALL-GOING-TO-DIE unintended acceleration events.
• “Hold that MENSA application.”  Florida thief busted for stealing $70 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets after he returned to the store where he stole them so he could claim a $50 winner.  Clerk simply asked him to show ID, and turned the name and address over to cops.  Will now require more than fifty-buck winner to make bail.
• “Political correctness” runs amok north of border:  Canadian officials drop proposal to change the nation’s 130-year-old national anthem to make it gender-neutral.  Offending line:  “True patriot love in all thy sons command.”  Change to “True patriot love in all thy ‘sons/daughters, hetero-and-otherwise, gifted-and/or-inept’ command” rejected as too difficult to adapt to either meter or rhyme.
• Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel fires back at ex-New York congressman Eric Massa.  Emanuel says he would never, as Massa charged, strap his three children to the front of a locomotive if it were necessary to get a vote through congress.  One…maybe. But all three? No way.
• Moo.   Celebrity chef Daniel Angerer, of NYC’s Klee Brasserie, is serving a cheese canapé that contains dairy milk. Fine. But also his wife’s breast milk.  Came up with “Canape of Breast-Milk Cheese with Figs and Hungarian Butter.”  Says he’s been inundated with “creepy queries” since his wife’s breast effluent was added to menu. You don’t say.  Like what’s in the mayo…?
• Stimulus dollars fund study of coke-head monkeys:  Specifically, a $71,623 federal grant is paying Wake Forest School of Medicine to examine the effects of cocaine on monkeys that have had a long-term addiction to the drug. Medical school says the research could eventually lead to better treatment of coke addicts. Or not.  And dealers will still be 20 minutes to 2 hours late.
• Is that a parakeet in your pocket or are you…just really stupid?  Sony Dong of Garden Grove, Cal., to be sentenced April 12th for illegally importing wildlife. Flew into L.A. from Vietnam with 14 exotic songbirds strapped to his legs and ankles. Could have peddled them for $400 each.  Had security not spotted the bird droppings on his socks and shoes. But, they did.  Dong could get 20 years. 17-hour flight with birds in your pants?  Should get a medal.

Tuesday's "News" Headlines

• Scientists Affirm Theory Asteroid Strike Killed Dinosaurs:  Research team says evidence is overwhelming that asteroid 6 miles in diameter impacted Earth, wiped out 70% of all animal species.  No known dinosaur life survived, paleontologists say, with the possible exception of Larry King.
• “You have a right to remain hungry…” Careful what you wish for:  Homeless man in Gastonia, N.C. jailed for “thinking of a cheeseburger.”  Held up hand-lettered sign bearing the aforementioned message near busy highway, and violated an anti-panhandling ordinance.  Suspect relieved he wasn’t thinking of “bacon double steakburger with everything” in no-nonsense Gastonia.  Likely would have been shot on sight.
• “Stay out th’ bushes!”…especially while driving:  Florida Highway Patrol officers say a two-vehicle crash was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was, uhm, “shaving her bikini area” while her ex-husband held the steering wheel from the passenger seat.  Told troopers she was meeting a new boyfriend in Key West and “wanted to be ready.”  At least she wasn’t texting.  That could’ve been dangerous.
• Can’t Washington get anything right?  Equipment D.C. police use to test for drunk drivers is found to deliver inaccurate results.  City officials have begun a review of all DWI charges dating back to 2008…have no idea how many cases will be affected or how they’ll ever resolve those that have already been adjudicated.  Probably drink.
• “How Many Sets of Books Would Jesus Use?”  Heidelberg, Mississippi woman, Phyllis Daughdrill, accused of arranging her own “bailout.”  Charged with embezzling over $100,000 from the Corinth Baptist Church, where she served as church secretary for 10 years.  Embezzlement conviction would require her to serve prison term of ten years.  “Symmetry.”
• Raquel Welch gets “pat down” security check at Chicago’s O’Hare airport after bustier actress was wearing set off metal detector.  Ms. Welch was in town to tape “Oprah” and promote a new book, “Raquel: Beyond the Cleavage”… which is exactly two pages long; title and “The End.”
• “As matter of fact, I do have a banana in my shorts.”  Australian clothing company “AussieBum” has marketed a new line of underwear made of 64 percent cotton, 9 percent Lycra and 27 percent banana fiber.  Manufacturer assumes no responsibility should purchaser be injured wearing garment to Zoological park primate house.
• Today’s “Holy Family Member” appearance comes by way of Scranton, PA…where Jesus has been spotted in a large plastic bucket of tomato sauce at Brownie’s Famous Pizzeria on Luzerne Street. Image appears in sauce smear on interior side of bucket.  Restaurant owner shot video, then put bucket in freezer where it remains available for viewing.  No eBay submission…yet..  

Monday's "News" Headlines

• “It’s time. Pin note to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s windbreaker.  Drive to dog track.”  Two recent quotes from Mr. Reid:  “December, 670,000 jobs were lost. November, more than 700,000. February, more than 700,000. So we’ve made great progress.”  Quote two:  “Today (last Friday) is a big day in America.  Only 36,000 people lost their jobs today – which is really good.”  A real shame, Harry, it wasn’t 36-thousand-and-one.
• “Spread ‘em, and uncurl that finger!”  6-year-old suspended from kindergarten for extending index finger in gun-like gesture. No, you read that right. Ionia, Michigan child suspended for making familiar “bang-bang” gesture.  School defends suspension saying Mason Jammer had been warned before, by golly, and just kept on. Next thing you know, kid’s on Delta with a crotch bomb. So, hey…“Zero tolerance is zero tolerance” dammit.
• Update:  How’s U.S. “recovery thing” going?  As three more banks belly up over the weekend – Florida, Illinois and Maryland – Congressional Budget Office reports that President Obama’s proposed 2011 budget will add almost $10-trillion to America’s current debt of $12-trillion by the year 2020.  Heck, toss a trillion dollar healthcare overhaul in there and hey… “first thing you know you’re talkin’ some real money.”  Jeezis.
• Embattled automaker Toyota – which changed name years ago from family spelling “Toyoda” to “Toyota” to simplify Japanese syllabic script – plans another spelling change to try to improve company’s troubled image.  New Toyota models will be called – Ford.
• “ ‘Father’ sang bass…”   39-year-old Nigerian who sang in Vatican choir also purportedly arranged gay sex liaisons for Italian government official. Activity was exposed in wiretaps gathered as part of an investigation into corrupt public works contracts.  Official, Angelo Balducci, served Vatican as “gentleman of his Holiness,” or, “papal usher.”  Maybe “gusher,” as context of story unfolds.
• Germany to Greece:  Get off your saggin’ backsides and produce something.  Tough talk from Deutschland press telling down-and-out Greeks that they are where they are because they’re slackers.  German newspaper Bild, in open letter to Greek prime minister, says Germany is able to resolve its debts because its people get up early and work.  “Sell some islands,” advise two German politicians…and shut up.
• “Is Our Educators Learning?”  Consider the following exact reprint:  “If you saw Sunday’s Free Press that shown Robert Bobb the emergency financial manger for Detroit Public Schools, move Mark Twain to Boynton which have three times the number seats then students and was one of the reason’s he gave for closing school to many empty seats.” Author?  Otis Mathis. Who’s Mr. Mathis?  The president of the Detroit school board.   Omigod.