Friday
Feb262010
Friday's Headlines
Friday, February 26, 2010 - Gore in Afghanistan? Reports, as yet unconfirmed, suggest missing global warming Nobel laureate, Al Gore, may hiding in remote Afghanistan cave to avoid being questioned about near ice-age conditions gripping planet from Asia to Europe to North America. U.S. Troops, Afghan forces, told to be on the lookout for bearded tall guy in parka and mukluks who is not Osama Bin Laden.
- Tough news for health care reformers: CNN poll – that’s right, CNN – reveals only 24% of Americans now back Democrats health care approach. Other 76% need health care immediately, however, because reform proposals advanced so far have made them wanna throw up…on both sides of the aisle.
- Head of Germany’s 25 million Protestants, Bishop Margot Kaessmann, blows through red light, breathalyzer, and career, in that order. Resigns just four months after becoming only the third woman to head a major Christian church. Cops say the cleric was absolutely ossified – blood-alcohol level triple the legal limit.
- “Barkeep” of the House: “Maker’s Mark Whiskey, Courvoisier, Johnny Walker, Grey Goose, E&J Brandy, Bailey’s, Bacardi, Jim Beam, Beefeaters, Dewars, Bombay, Jack Daniels …Corona.” Dream order for a frat party? No. One receipt for part of the $101,000 “in-flight services” tab for Speaker Pelosi’s trips on Air Force jets over the last two years. Almost a grand a week. And, of course: “Your Taxpayer Dollars at Work.”
- “First, the good news Mr. Villanueva. Your diseased leg was successfully removed. Now the bad news, Mr. Villanueva…so was your perfectly okay leg.” Surgeons in Lima, Peru leave patient, quite literally, without a leg to stand on. Made teensy tiny error. Got left leg confused with right…wound up removing both. “Hey, they do kind’a look alike…”
- Athens, Georgia: Police try to pick up trail of none-too-discriminating sex predator…after would-be rapist jumps cross-dresser. Attacker tore victim’s clothes away only to discover he’d assaulted man dressed as woman. Police say suspect will be charged with “criminal attempted rape” when they locate him, regardless. Victim’s okay. Still feels pretty.
- “Susan Boyle mistaken for Queen.” Scottish singer “bowed and curtseyed to,” after London travel officials were told to “expect a royal passenger” and briefly believed Boyle was Elizabeth. Question: So which one should be more insulted, diva or monarch? Answer: Jump ball.
- “Designated Drunk.” Police in East Austin, Texas say 39-year-old Raunel Soto was so intoxicated he was unable to stand when they made a nighttime stop of his car. But it was okay. He had a designated driver. No it wasn’t. Driver was Soto’s 14-year-old niece. Who was also hammered. As were the two 16-year-olds in back seat. Car attracted officers’ attention by driving through front yards rather than street. Yep, that’ll do it.
