Some "News" For Your Wednesday

• Toyota to sell accompanying Highway Patrol cars with new Prius models:  After San Diego incident in which Highway Patrol Cruiser was able to slow and finally stop yet another screaming Stephen King model Prius…company will, as an option, offer Patrol Cruisers to purchasers…mechanically linked to front of popular hybrid to act as brake in the event of further SAVE-US-JESUS-WE’RE-ALL-GOING-TO-DIE unintended acceleration events.
• “Hold that MENSA application.”  Florida thief busted for stealing $70 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets after he returned to the store where he stole them so he could claim a $50 winner.  Clerk simply asked him to show ID, and turned the name and address over to cops.  Will now require more than fifty-buck winner to make bail.
• “Political correctness” runs amok north of border:  Canadian officials drop proposal to change the nation’s 130-year-old national anthem to make it gender-neutral.  Offending line:  “True patriot love in all thy sons command.”  Change to “True patriot love in all thy ‘sons/daughters, hetero-and-otherwise, gifted-and/or-inept’ command” rejected as too difficult to adapt to either meter or rhyme.
• Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel fires back at ex-New York congressman Eric Massa.  Emanuel says he would never, as Massa charged, strap his three children to the front of a locomotive if it were necessary to get a vote through congress.  One…maybe. But all three? No way.
• Moo.   Celebrity chef Daniel Angerer, of NYC’s Klee Brasserie, is serving a cheese canapé that contains dairy milk. Fine. But also his wife’s breast milk.  Came up with “Canape of Breast-Milk Cheese with Figs and Hungarian Butter.”  Says he’s been inundated with “creepy queries” since his wife’s breast effluent was added to menu. You don’t say.  Like what’s in the mayo…?
• Stimulus dollars fund study of coke-head monkeys:  Specifically, a $71,623 federal grant is paying Wake Forest School of Medicine to examine the effects of cocaine on monkeys that have had a long-term addiction to the drug. Medical school says the research could eventually lead to better treatment of coke addicts. Or not.  And dealers will still be 20 minutes to 2 hours late.
• Is that a parakeet in your pocket or are you…just really stupid?  Sony Dong of Garden Grove, Cal., to be sentenced April 12th for illegally importing wildlife. Flew into L.A. from Vietnam with 14 exotic songbirds strapped to his legs and ankles. Could have peddled them for $400 each.  Had security not spotted the bird droppings on his socks and shoes. But, they did.  Dong could get 20 years. 17-hour flight with birds in your pants?  Should get a medal.