Tuesday's "News" Headlines

• Scientists Affirm Theory Asteroid Strike Killed Dinosaurs:  Research team says evidence is overwhelming that asteroid 6 miles in diameter impacted Earth, wiped out 70% of all animal species.  No known dinosaur life survived, paleontologists say, with the possible exception of Larry King.
• “You have a right to remain hungry…” Careful what you wish for:  Homeless man in Gastonia, N.C. jailed for “thinking of a cheeseburger.”  Held up hand-lettered sign bearing the aforementioned message near busy highway, and violated an anti-panhandling ordinance.  Suspect relieved he wasn’t thinking of “bacon double steakburger with everything” in no-nonsense Gastonia.  Likely would have been shot on sight.
• “Stay out th’ bushes!”…especially while driving:  Florida Highway Patrol officers say a two-vehicle crash was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was, uhm, “shaving her bikini area” while her ex-husband held the steering wheel from the passenger seat.  Told troopers she was meeting a new boyfriend in Key West and “wanted to be ready.”  At least she wasn’t texting.  That could’ve been dangerous.
• Can’t Washington get anything right?  Equipment D.C. police use to test for drunk drivers is found to deliver inaccurate results.  City officials have begun a review of all DWI charges dating back to 2008…have no idea how many cases will be affected or how they’ll ever resolve those that have already been adjudicated.  Probably drink.
• “How Many Sets of Books Would Jesus Use?”  Heidelberg, Mississippi woman, Phyllis Daughdrill, accused of arranging her own “bailout.”  Charged with embezzling over $100,000 from the Corinth Baptist Church, where she served as church secretary for 10 years.  Embezzlement conviction would require her to serve prison term of ten years.  “Symmetry.”
• Raquel Welch gets “pat down” security check at Chicago’s O’Hare airport after bustier actress was wearing set off metal detector.  Ms. Welch was in town to tape “Oprah” and promote a new book, “Raquel: Beyond the Cleavage”… which is exactly two pages long; title and “The End.”
• “As matter of fact, I do have a banana in my shorts.”  Australian clothing company “AussieBum” has marketed a new line of underwear made of 64 percent cotton, 9 percent Lycra and 27 percent banana fiber.  Manufacturer assumes no responsibility should purchaser be injured wearing garment to Zoological park primate house.
• Today’s “Holy Family Member” appearance comes by way of Scranton, PA…where Jesus has been spotted in a large plastic bucket of tomato sauce at Brownie’s Famous Pizzeria on Luzerne Street. Image appears in sauce smear on interior side of bucket.  Restaurant owner shot video, then put bucket in freezer where it remains available for viewing.  No eBay submission…yet..