This Just In: Friday's Headline "News"

• Toyota…victim of  “Unintended Documentation.”  Uh-oh. Big time company lawyer bails on Toyota:  And that’s a problem because?  Because he took 6,000 internal documents with him.  Documents that suggest Toyota has been “less than completely forthcoming” about cars that have “sudden acceleration” then “sudden deceleration” problems when they’re finally brought to a stop by things like concrete bridge abutments.
• Not so fast.  Virginia becomes first state to propose legislation telling Obama administration and congress to “stuff it” so far as forcing citizens to buy health insurance is concerned. Stipulation won’t fly in Old Dominion and possibly 34 other states that are reported ready to oppose being jacked-up by “Obamacare.”
• Crazed nut meets fashion flake:  Iran’s bog-looney president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, meets vogue-vain Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, in Kabul.  Throws arms around silk-caped, pillbox-hatted Afghan leader in embarrassing moment that looked very much like precursor to tickle party.  Probably was.  Humiliating.
• Documentary on Eliot Spitzer will be shown at the Tribeca Film Festival exploring “the hidden contours of hubris, sex and power” of the ex-NY Governor.  No word yet on possible full frontal nudity, save for socks, and whether film will carry a rating of “X.”  But, likely.  While context is different, suggested “working title” is borrowed from mid-80’s sci-fi film:  “The Fly.” 
• As New York state free falls into catastrophic fiscal abyss, Brooklyn legislator introduces bill to eliminate salt in preparing food in restaurants. Swear.  New York chefs want Assemblyman Felix Ortiz’s head.  New York MENSA society does not.
• “Just ‘Zippo’ me and let it go.”  Economy’s cost of living hits cost of dying.  According to the Cremation Association of North America, more than a third of the 2.5 million Americans who die this year will opt for cremation over traditional burial. Average traditional funeral cost – as high as $8,500.  “Burn and Urn” – three to five grand and you’re toast.  So to speak.
• Déjà vu all over again?  Weather forecasters – who can’t tell you what conditions will be next weekend – are forecasting “an above average Atlantic hurricane season” for 2010.  Exactly as they did for 2009.  When season ended with the fewest storms since 1997 and for the first time since 2006, no hurricanes made U.S. landfall.  Shake dice.  Throw.
• Was it Ladies’ Day?  “Tire shine, $2.00.”  74-year-old Cape Cod resident goes through car wash when clothing snags on vehicle as it was being pulled inside.  Carol Burton-Groman got “the works.”  Undercarriage wash, spray wax, triple foam protection. A few bruises, too.  But won’t have to bathe for a month.