"News" on a Thursday

• “Loser Executives Get ‘Pity’ Bonuses.”  Missed your earnings target? Stock in the toilet? Shareholders want you disemboweled like Mel Gibson in Braveheart?  Forget a hug.  You need a bonus.  And a number of executives who fit the “loser” profile are getting them.  United Technologies top six execs get $4.5-million despite missing profit goals. As does Starbucks CEO, Hewlett Packard’s, and others. And how’re you doing?  Well, screw you.
• Child “critical” after dog attack in Lithonia, Ga.  8-year-old was jumped while innocently playing in her own front yard by neighbor’s (A) Peekapoos.  (B) Cocker Spaniels.  (C) Scottish Terriers.  (D)  Pit Bulls.  Choose one.  Hint:  Go with the Pit Bulls.  
• Toyota Prius featured in proposed new theme park thrill ride:  Customers would be seated in car, given recorded instruction, “Okay, turn it on!”  Points awarded on basis of how completely ensuing crash disintegrates car body and whether resulting physical injuries require transfusions.
• President to take “second look” at waterboarding:  Analysts say heretofore controversial procedure may be gaining favor as a possible tool in pushing administration’s healthcare overhaul through both chambers of commerce by Mr. Obama’s deadline of one week from tomorrow.  Process would be personally overseen by Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: “We know this could be persuasive.”
• Quake Oddity:  How powerful was the Chilean earthquake last month?  Powerful enough to shift the entire city of Concepcion – Chile’s second largest with nearly 300,00 population – fully 10 feet to the west.  With apologies to Dice Clay:  “We’re over here, now!”
• China considers ban on eating “Champ” and “Fluffy”:  Signals willingness to stop citizens from eating dogs and cats as part of a larger proposal to toughen laws on animal welfare. Obviously would come over the objections of individuals like “Li,” hostess at “Han River Dog Meat Restaurant” in central Guangzhou – who explains, “Dog meat is good for your metabolism. It helps you sweat.”  And there is an endorsement if ever we’ve heard one.
• Big Banks – On Your Side:  Pittsburgh woman sues Bank of America claiming B of A not only foreclosed on her home though she was up to date on her payments, but swiped her beloved parrot when they seized the house.  The bank denies wrongdoing, although it did give the woman the bird.   And in every sense of that phrase, apparently.
• “Does the First Amendment cover the Third Finger?”   Robert Ekas contends, yes it does.  Lawsuit claims his rights were violated when he flipped-off sheriff’s deputies in Clackamas, Oregon and got “punitive” traffic tickets as a result. Ekas charges he’s being harassed. Says he routinely gives the law the finger as a form of dissent to protest “police violence.”  Freedom of Speech (and/or “gesture”) case is now before a federal court.