Today in the "News": Sorcery-Related Crime, Uncanny Viagra Results, and Where All the Spring Breakers Have Gone

• There are worse things than having your bonus reduced: Top North Korean finance official is removed from post “with extreme prejudice” for coming up with a currency reform that had some adverse effects in the secretive Communist nation.  Pak Nam-gi was transported to a shooting range in Pyongyang, according to Yonhap news agency – and removed from office.  Forever.  Cause of death, “acute lead poisoning.”
• Today’s no-nonsense “Islam legal system” story arrives by way of Saudi Arabia, where Ali Hussain Sibat, former Lebanese radio host, is sentenced to die. Why?  Because he gave advice and, unfortunately, “predictions” on his call-in show.  Crime? “Sorcery.” Saudi religious police grabbed him when he traveled to Saudi Arabia for an Islamic religious pilgrimage. How about just a good “talking to” maybe, no?  No.  Off with his head.
• Mexican violence reported to be frightening away American tourists; emptying border town streets.  Government officials wonder where the heck Spring Break traffic has gone.  Possibly someplace, analysts suggest, where 18,000 people have not been killed since December 2006 in a drug war.  Just a theory. 
• New “economic indicator.”  Riverside County, California woman sticks up 11 people at grocery store…. nets six dollars. Eleven people. Six bucks. Won’t even buy a box of bullets for the semi-automatic she carried.  Hey, things are tough all over. 
• “What the Lord has joined together, let no man put asunder.”  Well, yes and no.  58-year-old James Wallace is a Bible scholar – which is why, Minnesota police say, he was fine with the fact that his bride was his niece, and 10 years old. Pointed to First Corinthians 6:12:  “Everything is permissible for me.”  Actually, Jim, no it’s not.  Which is why, police point out, Jim is now in jail having had the book thrown at him.  “Good” Book?  Not known.
• “On second thought, I’ll take a Toyota after all.”  Near Arlington, Washington, a 59-year-old motorist’s ’78 Buick suddenly veered from roadway and crashed down an embankment. Investigators say driver was a victim of “unintended steering wheel coming off in his hands, with unsurprising “loss of directional control.”  Injuries described as non-life threatening.
• Atlanta, Ga:  45-year-old Arelisha Bridges charged with murdering her husband following a domestic altercation.  Police say Ms. Bridges is a lobbyist for an anti-domestic-violence organization. Apparently, just not a deeply committed one.
• “If you should experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, contact your doctor immediately.”   Four hours?  How about TWENTY-ONE DAYS!!  Which was the regrettable experience of a 55-year-old Kolkata, India man who took a really serious overdose of Viagra, with the “21 day” result.  Sought treatment far too late, urosurgeon Avishek Mukherjee reports. They were able to save his life, but … not his … well, you know.

Friday's "News"

• President Obama to Fox News’ Bret Baier:  “Louisiana Purchase” of Senator Mary Landrieu’s health reform vote was justified, because Obamacare would cover other states that suffer events of Katrina-like dimensions…such as the “earthquake in Hawaii.”  Help us out here:  What earthquake in Hawaii?  …The one in November of ’75?  35 years ago? 2 deaths?  Maybe so.  Puzzling… 
• Not good:  “MSNBC, CNN Beaten By Cartoon Network In Prime Time!”  TOON, #13… MSNBC, #26, CNN, # 33.  Both reportedly look at dressing news anchors in mouse heads, duck outfits in desperate bid to turn things around.  Best bet – dress them like a Fox.
• “Mom never liked me.”  Issues, perhaps?  27-year-old ex-con, Nitinkumar Patel, arrested in Jersey City, NJ.  Offense?  Urinating on women.  Seven in the past three months.  Walked up behind victims, bus stop locations usually, and did his thing.  That is until “victim 7” this week, when, police say, he was caught in the act.  “You have the right to put that damn thing away and zip up…"
• “Polar Bears Threatened by Global Warming: Solution? Kill Them.”  U.S.-backed proposal to ban the trade of polar bear skins, teeth and claws is defeated by United Nations agency that regulates trade in animals.  Apparently concludes they’re really not that bad off – and they stink when you get up close to them.  So, “trade away, trade away.”
• Culture Clash:  19-year-old Afghan woman – who “dishonored” her husband’s family by fleeing their torture and abuse – is sentenced by Taliban Court to be maimed as punishment.  Designated “maimer”…her “aggrieved” husband.  Who carried out sentence by severing her nose and ears.  Well – at least he didn’t waterboard her.  That would’ve been bad.
• Whoa!  Russia will begin drilling for oil…where?  In the Gulf of Mexico!  Prepares to erect oil derricks off the coast of Cuba under terms of a deal that dates back to the Carter administration.  Meantime, the Obama administration is reportedly poised to ban offshore oil drilling on the U.S. outer continental shelf until 2012 or beyond.  “Is our priorities straight?”
• “Look. Rags has no fleas. Of course he’s dead, but…no fleas!”  Federal officials say the chemicals in flea and tick treatments for dogs and cats are killing, well, “dogs and cats.”  And by the hundreds every year.  Environmental Protection Agency says it will develop stricter testing and evaluation for so called “spot-on” treatments that are applied to a pet’s skin…so that you don’t have to have “skin” stuffed by taxidermist in order to keep pet around.

Weds Heads

• Massachusetts Governor Duval Patrick: “The legislation passed by each house of Congress bears a striking resemblance to the Massachusetts model.”  Uh-oh.  Bay State reportedly is back asking Washington for hundreds of millions to bail out its universal health-coverage system…on top of $21.2 billion feds are said to have already ponied up over three years to keep the thing ticking.  Sound the alarm.
•  “No soup for you!”  Continental Airlines discontinues free food for economy class. Pretzels, in a bag the size of a Sweet n’ Low package, will still be available. Flying New York to L.A., suck one pretzel to approximately St. Louis, then suck the other on into L.A.  Snobs in first, of course, will still be choosing – free – the “Unidentifiable Beef Entrée, sir?  Or would you rather our “Breast of Chicken in the Agent Orange Sauce?”
• Kissing??  Off with their heads!  Well, something short of that.  Nevertheless, British couple who greeted each other with a kiss in Muslim Dubai face jail term for running afoul of emirate’s “decency laws.”  Attorney for the two says kiss was innocent, a brief greeting, nothing “intimate.” Month in jail, followed by deportation, however, if they lose an appeal.  Fist bumps only, please, if you know what’s good for you.
• Banking:  2008, Swiss bank UBS had to have government aid to stay afloat.  Now, UBS has paid out $94.3-million to its top executives, roughly ten times the amount it paid in ’08 when the same “fatcats” nearly took it under…and, they’re getting back into the mortgage markets that caused the bank’s problems in the first place.  Just hope that there’s not a really, really p-o’ed shareholder somewhere out there, with a private plane at his disposal.
• “And yet another happy cruise to Barfville.”  Norovirus outbreak on Royal Caribbean’s “Celebrity Mercury” has forced the fun vessel back to Charleston, S.C. port.  342 unhappy cruisers on board, wishing they were dead. Ship will be carefully inspected to determine the cause of the outbreak…since it comes after more than 600 people became ill during the same ship’s previous two cruises.  Three strikes, maybe you ought’a be out.
• With the passing of China’s He Pingping, world’s shortest man at 29 inches tall, Guinness World Records officials are expected to transfer title to Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal, who stands just 22 inches tall…and who, had he not died, Pingping actually could have dunked on.
• World’s greatest invention:  California firm comes up with lipstick that changes color when wearer becomes aroused.  Let me repeat that: It changes color reflecting arousal, from clear to a deep crimson. But wait, there’s more:  It comes with a COLOR CHART enabling you to gauge the “intensity” of passion.  Let me repeat that:  It comes with a COLOR CHART.   Life is good.
• This will really encourage “security compliance.”  Remove your shoes?  West Palm Beach airport TSA personnel say the odor that has accumulated on carpeting from passengers who’ve “removed their shoes” for the X-ray gizmo is horrid. How horrid? To the point that officials are actually working on a plan to replace the rugs.  Solution for you?  None.  Other than walk on your hands.  And wear surgical gloves.    

Tuesday's "News" Headlines

• “Attention State Department Shoppers:  Fine Crystal Stemware for only $5.4-million.”  Buy American?  Nope.  Fat contract for ultra fancy stemware for American embassies goes to Swedish glassmaker Orrefors/Kosta Boda.  Rather than, say, Steuben Crystal of New York that is in Secretary of State – and former NY Senator – Hillary Clinton’s back yard. Stimulus? Not so much.
• John Edwards consort, Rielle Hunter, nominated for Nobel “Piece” Prize:  Bottle blond considered a shoo-in for award after GQ Magazine interview in which she revealed that she and John hit the sack together the very night they met and after she’d cooed to him…“You’re so hot.”  GQ issue comes with convenient foil-wrapped hand sanitizer attached for readers who can actually finish interview.
• Lockerbie Bomber Refuses to Die:  Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, who was released from Scottish prison on compassionate grounds because he was sick and supposedly about to go toes up…is not only livin’ the dream in Libya – but could stick around for years according to docs treating him.   Any chance he might be encouraged to become a suicide-bomber?  By himself?  Out in the middle of the Libyan desert somewhere?  Just a thought.
• FAA Urges $787,500 in Fines for American Airlines.”  For such niggling little items as flying an MD-82 despite loose screws and missing nut plate. Failing to follow an inspection directive on rudder components of 757s. And permitting an aircraft to fly despite a problem with its central “air data” computer.  Stuff like that.  American says, “Safety is fundamental to our success.”  And so, a critic might suggest, is luck.  Include duct tape in your carry-on.
• “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.”   Unless it’s your job.  Gambling capital’s unemployment rate has surged to 13.1 percent – an all time high.  Couple of more negative cracks by the current president of the United States about avoiding Sin City and they can turn the Bellagio into a really ostentatious 30-story morgue.
• Intervention, maybe?  Police say Jason Botos showed up for sentencing on a DWI in Papillion, Nebraska so hammered that he fell out of his dad’s car, couldn’t walk on his own, had to be helped inside, and then couldn’t make his court appearance. Breath test…five times the legal limit. They’ll try to get him to court again today on the DWI and the new charge of “failure to appear” as a consequence of having shown up “self-embalmed.”
• “Yes, Our Priorities are in Order.”  New Hampshire House of Representatives opens debate this week on the crucial question of whether Granite State’s official drink should be cider or milk. According to analysis by Nashua Telegraph, state’s budget deficit could hit $306-million. Perhaps strychnine would be a better choice. Can’t “Live Free,” so, “Die.”

Monday's "News"

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi studied by psychologists, body language experts:  Conclusion, that the congresswoman may actually be physically incapable of vocalizing sounds without an accompanying synthetic, condescending, “teacher-to-kindergartener,” affected, grinding, repulsive half grin.   Say researchers, “we believe the condition is permanent, fixed in the obicularis oris musculature of the lips, and sure as hell regrettable.”
• “Want to sneak across U.S.-Mexico border?  Hey, there’s an app for that!”  And you’re paying for it.  Thanks to University of California professor (taxpayer funded institution) who has developed a cell phone that includes a free GPS applet that locates best illegal immigration routes, food resources, and confederates on this side to help culprits skulk in. Research now underway to develop an app that would neutralize bleeding heart college professors.
• “Mad as hell and not going to take it any more!”  Fort Lauderdale, FL man devises way to beat water bill.  Blows up home.  43-year-old Johnny Dossey reduced his mobile home to a hot slag of runny aluminum to stop water assessment he felt was exorbitant. How much was it?  70 bucks.  Now, of course, has a still unpaid water bill and an arson rap.  Police say – wait for it – “alcohol may have been involved.”
• A match made in…?   28-year-old Korean marries his pillow. Full civil ceremony.  Lee Jim-Gyu wed his “dakimakura” – a kind of long, huggable pillow that has a woman’s face and form printed on it.  It gets worse.  Lee dresses “beloved” pillow in bridal attire and takes it everywhere; rides at fair, parks, restaurants. Orders food for the damn thing. Constant companion. Had they only known, might have saved careers of Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford…among others. 
• “Your Holiness, watch your back.” Vatican’s chief exorcist, 85-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, says church’s sex scandals are the result of demonic possession within the very walls of the Vatican itself.  Father Amorth knows from whence he speaks – says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of possession during 25-year career.  That’s 2,800 a year.  53 a week.  Busy man.  Critics say it might be time to pin the old “coliseum dog track” note on Father’s vestments.
• “Why don’t they just turn it into a 16 mile circular planter?”  Umpity-billion-dollar Large Hadron Collider is going to be shut down. Again.  Goofy “experiment” intended to reveal ultimate secrets of something will be idled for a year to strengthen joints in its massive magnets.  Just got restarted after being down for 14 months for helium leaks and vacuum leaks and electrical arcing and you name it.  Great project.  Recession?  What recession?
• This is Al Gore’s brain. This is Al Gore’s brain on ice. Nobel laureate silent on latest Gallup poll finding…that global warming doubters now comprise fully 48% of U.S. population…and make you want to go – Damn! 
• One day after Canada’s Finance Minister promotes government restraint to balance budget, Jim Flaherty “private jets” to London, Ontario for photo-op at a Tim Hortons coffee shop.  Bill?  $3,100 of taxpayers’ money.  Transport Minister buddy says no government plane was available, so, Flaherty was “just following rules.”  So were those guys in the guard towers at Auschwitz, if memory serves.