Friday's Headlines

• Business news:  Company spokesman for Pfizer and partner Medivation reports that a promising Alzheimer’s drug failed to work in a pivotal study.  Unable to recall precisely why.
• Wall Street Journal reports Mitsubishi and Peugeot are dropping alliance talks that would have deepened the relationship between the two.  Mitsubishi complains Peugeot never calls, is cold.  Peugeot responds Mitsubishi is impossibly needy.  Says whole experience has been deeply painful; was a mistake from the start.
• Toyota may initiate new recall to fix fixed accelerator assemblies, floor pads…as complaints of fixed automobiles continuing to behave like double-A fuel dragsters mount.  Company says new fix for fixed gas pedals will involve quick release seatbelt mechanism…enabling driver and passengers to swiftly disembark from vehicle in the event of continued “sudden unintended what-the-F-is-happening-we’re-all-going-to-die” acceleration events.
• FAA interested in “younger demographic” air traffic controllers, following JFK Airport episode in which grade-schoolers were permitted to issue tower instructions to departing airliners.   Experts say the youngsters’ communications were clear, concise, and “accomplished the same thing we’d expect from our most senior tower personnel.”  Potential savings impressive…based on historically very low cost levels involved in child labor.
• “Caveat emptor.”  Former Phillies star Lenny Dykstra offering year’s worth of specialized investment advice for $999.  Savvy stock-picker last year filed for bankruptcy, lost his home, auctioned off his ’86 World Series ring…and is not a registered financial adviser.  “Thanks, but I’ll just set fire to a stack of money myself if you don’t mind.”
• Ex-Merrill Lynch chief, John Thain, brings austerity plan to new company CIT Group.  Example, no employee bonuses for 2009; a year marred by firm’s bankruptcy.  Thain’s experience in “tough economics” is well documented dating back to his “application” of  $1.22 million in company money blown on obscene makeover of his office at Merrill.  Any self-respecting exec needs $87,000 dollar area rugs, don’t they?   Hell yes.
• As White House says…  “Health care reform, whatever it takes!”  $100-million “Louisiana Purchase” of Sen. Landrieu’s vote; then $100-million kickback to Nebraska for Sen. Nelson’s vote, and “stocking stuffers” for Vermont, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New York and Florida.  Next?  Wanna be a judge?  Brother of  “undecided” Rep. Jim Matheson – suddenly nominated to U.S. Appeals Court.   Get it, Jimbo?   Your turn.

Thursday's headlines

•  “Deflation of a fat cat”  Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel.  The accusations:  Violates state and local laws using rent-stabilized apartment as a campaign office; uses congressional stationery to solicit funds for personal foundation; fails to disclose income from Caribbean villa rental in tax filings; fails to pay interest on mortgage for 10 years; uses House garage to store Benz; takes Caribbean trips on corporate dimes.  Oh, picky, picky, picky.
• “Bomb a bus, go to Hell.”   British imam, Sheikh Tahir ul-Qadri, described as one of Islam’s most prominent theologians, issues tough, zero tolerance fatwa against terrorism.  No, really.  Goes so far as to say terrorist acts are  “kufr,” acts of  “disbelief,” and will instantly condemn those who perpetrate them to Hell.  No comment, yet, from Osama Bin Laden to the sudden revelation that he’s headed for Hell like he was on a luge ride.
• “It’s a small world after allll…”   Kid gets the mic’ in JFK Airport Tower.  Controller dad lets grade schooler briefly takeover departure control communications.  Sounds cute?  FAA not persuaded.  It’s a freaking control tower.  Not “Chucky Cheese.”
• “Forget church, just get me to ‘Delivery Room’ on time.”   Now this is cutting it close:  Ohio bride Jamie Phillips went into labor while her dad was walking her down the aisle.  Made it through hastily abbreviated ceremony – made it to hospital – mom and now legitimate baby boy are fine.  ‘Didn’t even have to break out the shotgun.
• New Jersey Nets offer incentive program to anybody who has no life whatsoever and agrees to go see them lose again.  Dreadful team has entered into an agreement with Roni Deutch Tax Center.  Go see the Nets lose to Orlando Friday night…get a coupon for a free state tax return preparation.  Next, sexual favors.
• Richmond, Virginia:  Hundreds gather at the state capitol protesting proposed public school budget cuts.  Speakers complain cuts will lead to bigger classes, teacher layoffs, poor equipment…and indecipherable signs.  Demonstrators carried placards saying, “Cuts hurt kids,” fairly clever, and, “You can’t spell ‘governor’ without ‘teacher’.”  Free tickets to a Nets game if you can figure out what the hell that one’s driving at.
•  U.S. Labor Dept. holds town meeting in Ronkonkoma, NY to identify workers who might have been exposed to radiation from 1947 through 1979 at Brookhaven National Laboratory in Upton.  89 people have already filed claims, filling out the required paperwork with any one of the five to eight arms each now has available.
• Judge in Humboldt, Tennessee says jurors will be able to hear statements, made prior to his arrest, by a man accused of killing his mother.  Investigators say the suspect admitted severing mom’s head with a power saw, but never admitted killing her.  Oh. That’s clear.  And the difference, there, would be?  Your witness, counselor.

Wednesday's Headlines

• "I feel your pain."  Confirmed:  None other than Bill Clinton telephoned Tiger Woods to offer his support for the embattled golf star and recovering sex addict.  Unclear when the call was made, but former president reportedly offered Tiger encouragement.  Wait a minute... encouragement?  Is that a good thing?
• An indictment of  "speed dial."  When having a cell phone discussion with your buddy about breaking into cars...do not have a "pre-set" that automatically dials 911.  Unless, of course, you just want to go to jail.  Where two Florida Einsteins landed after a 911 operator listened to them talking about location of cars to hit in Daytona Beach - and dispatched a couple of squad cars right there to greet them.  MENSA memberships, canceled.
• From the "why didn't I think of that" file:  Somebody has finally come up with "glow-in-the-dark" toilet tissue for nighttime visits to the bathroom.  Rolls sell for eight bucks on the Web.  But - would "glow-in-the-dark" toilet tissue ever pass the Deirdre Imus funky products test?  We report, you decide.  Suspected answer - "you shouldn't glow when you go."
• Your government doing the hard work; redesigning the penny:  New penny loses the Lincoln Memorial on the reverse, "tails" side, in favor of a union shield.  And who knows how much that cost. Very important expenditure, though. Very important.  Unit cost of producing annoying 1cent coin is 1.62 cents.  Yes.  It costs more to make than it's worth.    ...What recession?
• End of the World Arrives. New Detroit high school curriculum includes "How to get a job at Wal-Mart."  11 weeks of training offered to learn techniques involved in shoving a shopping cart at a senior citizen while muttering,  "Welcome to Wal-Mart."   And you thought "No Child Left Behind" wouldn't work...shame on you.
• How's that again?  "Internet Job Search Service, Monster.com, Cutting 200 Jobs."  See dictionary entry under "irony."
• Study:  "Unemployment negligible among affluent Americans; highest among low-income workers."  Yes, that conclusion required a "study."  Andrew Sum, Ishwar Khatiwada and Sheila Palma at Northeastern University's Center for Labor Market Studies came up with that little jewel...and will, themselves, never be unemployed if they're able to continue convincing department heads that crap like that actually requires "study."
• Brooklyn D.A.:  "No criminal activity found on Acorn undercover tapes"...tapes that sure appeared to show Acorn employees advising a "prostitute" and "pimp" on how to hide hooker profits.  D.A. Charles Hynes was endorsed for election by the Working Families Party, an agency identified as a front group for...Acorn.  Oh darn.  "Nothing to see here, move along."

Tuesday's Headlines

• Business news:  Germany, France, tell Greece to drop dead.   EU nations' top leadership scrap plans to bail out Greece with as much as $41 billion.  Ask themselves, "What are we, crazy?"  New plan calls for allowing ancient Hellenic country to rot along with its numerous historic and irreplaceable ruins.
• Nevada to declare war on California as means of closing budget gap:  Nevada legislative leaders - citing second world war's effect on pulling U.S. out of depressed economy - have announced final agreement on a plan to close an $887-million dollar budget shortfall by invading next-door neighbor.   Governor:  "Extreme conditions demand extreme solutions."  Date for invasion being kept secret to preserve element of surprise.
• New York finds perfect candidate for governor; an acknowledged whore.  The Manhattan madam who brought down Eliot Spitzer announces independent run for governor.  Kristin Davis makes declaration at Manhattan's Roosevelt Hotel.  Doesn't require directions for getting around historic midtown lodging house.
• Attention Mr. Reid, Ms. Pelosi:  High cost of medicine?  This might have something to do with it.  Medical billing advocate finds hospital charging $1,000 for a toothbrush, $41 for a Tylenol tablet,  $53 for 24 cent disposable latex gloves,  $23 for single alcohol prep swab, and - wait for it -- $4,182 dollars for 41 saline I-V bags for patient who required ... one.  And that trillion dollar healthcare bill is necessary, again, because why?\
• Salahis to attend official "welcome" for new White House social secretary:  Socialites Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose uninvited presence at state dinner led to resignation of social director Desiree Rogers, have announced plans to attend "welcome party" for new secretary Julianna Smoot.   Couple acknowledges they're not exactly  "invited," but "wouldn't miss it for the world," regardless.
• Al Gore emerges from long absence, sees shadow, predicts six billion more weeks of winter in lengthy op-ed piece written for New York Times.
• Rye, NY:  Foul fill from Westchester County, NY amusement park winds up at nearby historic landmark:  Material containing arsenic, lead and pesticides gets dumped at boyhood home of John Jay, first chief justice of U.S. Supreme Court, where site is supposed to be developed as "organic garden to promote community health."  I'll just go with the canned stuff, thanks.
• School board of Weiner, Arkansas, population 760, votes to join Harrisburg School District, 16 miles away, after state rejects Weiner's proposal to join the Delight, Arkansas School District, 200 miles away.  Despite distance differential, Weiner had lobbied for the latter association hoping to bring some sort of attention to otherwise desolate, inconsequential area by being able to officially title itself,  "School District of Weiner Delight."
  
  

Monday's Headlines

• Al Gore digs out of snow, "digs in" on climate calamity:  Surfaces in NY Times op-ed piece to say that, sure, scientists' errors are unfortunate, but make no further mistake; global warming apocalypse is at the door.  Pending calamity "unimaginable," warns big time investor in alternative energy companies.  "Investor" in...?  Uh-oh.
• Now you know it's cold.  The Mongolians are complaining.  Government in Ulaanbaatar, the country's snowbound capital, declares "disaster status" in Mongolia's provinces in the wake of fierce winds, unrelenting snow and temperatures of 58 below zero.  2.3 million livestock have perished; figure may reach 3 million by spring as normally placid Mongolians express frustration at inability to personally strangle...Al Gore.
• "For godssake, Moammar, relax a little."  Libya's leader, Moammar Ghadaffi, is calling for jihad against...Switzerland?  Yes. Switzerland.  Because Swiss citizens have voted to disallow construction of  "minarets" - those pointy turrets that sit atop towers of mosques.  Hey, an op-ed piece in some Swiss paper maybe, fine.  But holy war?  Good grief.
• Milford, Connecticut:  School Superintendent Harvey Polansky pleads innocent to sex assault charge involving two female principals who allege the boss touched them inappropriately.  Roman "Polanski," Harvey "Polansky"?  Some sort of weirdness here or what?  Due back in court April 20th.  Harvey, that is.
• Digital age comes to the down and out:  If you can afford a computer, Delaware now allows you to file for unemployment online.  Since being informally introduced in December, service has grown 30% among Delaware's jobless who haven't hocked their computers and whose electricity has not yet been cut off or are filching power from the transformer on the pole out in front.
• Sacramento:  California moves toward a  #&$%!!-ING cuss ban:  Legislation would establish the first F%#-ing week of March as "Cuss Free Week," inspired by a F&##$%!-ing goody-goody junior high school kid who thought he'd become the F#@%%-ing Word Police and start a &#$$%#-ing "No Cussing Club."  No S%##7!$.  Butt the %##%* out.
• "Good" news?  We report, you decide.  Item:  "25% of train cars in Washington D.C.'s Metro transit system date to the 1970's and will soon be replaced with models that can better withstand a crash."   Do they know something?
• Can't make it up:  Missoula, Montana City Councilwoman Pamela Walzer to attend a hearing next week regarding proposal to fine drivers who refuse blood-alcohol Breathalyzer tests.  If she makes it.  Pam got booked into jail, 2 in the morning last week, for allegedly driving drunk.