July 26: Earthly changes; One-Armed Robbery; and Benjui Franklin

• Thermosphere Change Baffles Experts. A dramatic contraction of Earth’s thermosphere – the atmospheric layer that marks the boundary of space – has researchers at a loss.  The thermosphere, which blocks ultraviolet radiation, goes through periods of contraction and expansion over time, but not to the current degree. Some in the scientific community suspect Global Warming theorists could be responsible…by spewing enormous amounts of hot air. Says one analyst, “When you pump that much bulls**t into the atmosphere…I don’t know.  Needs more study.”
• A Whale…A Bust. “A Whale,” the huge Taiwanese ship converted into an oil skimmer, "A Waste of Time." Officials had hoped “A Whale” would be able to collect 500,000 barrels of oil a day from the contaminated Gulf of Mexico.  After weeks of tests, it’s skimmed about enough to fill a can of WD-40.  Coast Guard Rear Admiral Paul Zunkunft says, “It may need a different type of spill; thick, heavy, concentrated oil to be effective.”  Yeah, dammit.  That’s what we need, Admiral, a better kind of spill!  This one’s crummy.
• Sam Kass“His honor, Sam Kass, White House chef.” No longer. It is now – by official appointment of Barack H. Obama, 44th President of the United States of America – Sam Kass, “Senior Policy Advisor for Healthy Food Initiatives.” Somebody has too much time on his hands. What’s next, presidential appointment of a “Senior Policy Advisor for Leisure ‘Precision Club-and-Little-White-Ball’ Sport”?
• Springfield, Massachusetts: “One-armed Man Charged with Unarmed Robbery.”  And yes, that’s the actual headline accompanying story of 28-year-old Manuel Hernandez who, police say, “single-handedly” grabbed and forced 58-year-old John Delaney to surrender his wallet containing  $354.  Victim reported the robbery, described the assailant who was quickly picked up.  Not that many one-armed guys roaming around Springfield, Mass. with street name, “Lefty.”
• Calgary, Canada Woman Strangles Daughter. And that’s bad because? Judge rules Muslim mom Aset Magomadova’s act of strangling “rebellious” 14-year-old with her Muslim headscarf calls for “non-custodial punishment,” not prison. Sentence? Three years probation. Defendant claimed daughter attacked her and that she had to strangle her in self-defense. Prosecution – (shock!) – will appeal.
• En Dios Confiamos. One way to quickly spot a counterfeit U.S. $100 bill:  When it’s printed in Spanish.  Which is what police in Washington suburb of Manassas, Virginia say a man they arrested on a DUI had on him.  Three phony hundreds bearing Spanish phrases along with the familiar face of “Benjui” Franklin.   Suspect?  30-year-old Jose Portillo of Bealeton, Va.  Do not look for Jose at the “MENSA excursion al campa”… “picnic,” that is.
• Inmate ‘Trashed’ with Extreme Prejudice. 30-year-old Carlos Medina-Bailon, jailed on a drug charge in El Paso, Texas, escaped by hiding inside the prison’s trash pick-up truck. Corrections officials say he enjoyed about an hour’s freedom until the truck got to the landfill and dumped its load.  And Carlos?  Should’ve just done the time.  He is now “one with the rest of the recyclables.”  R.I.P.  “Rest In… Pieces.”  

July 16: North Korean Medicine; Lohan's Anti-Recession Recipe; Porn in Pakistan

• Socialized Healthcare, North Korean style: Amnesty International says communist nation’s system is in such a shambles “doctors,” such as they are, sometimes perform amputations cold turkey – “anesthesia” consisting of four or five “medical assistants” holding down patients while damaged or otherwise defective limbs are removed.  Oh, and procedures are, not infrequently, performed by candlelight. No power.  U.S. system not there…yet. 
• “It’s the economy, stupid.”  New Gallup Poll shows 64% of Americans point to some aspect of the economy as the leading difficulty facing the nation.  The second leading difficulty is Joe Biden…who says nation’s got 3-million new jobs.  Analysts:  It appears very few of those new positions involve mathematicians landing jobs at the White House.
• One method suggested for combating recession:  Become “certifiable nutcase.”  Lindsay Lohan is reported to be getting multiple “after jail” interview offers in the half-million-dollar neighborhood…while “Barefoot Bandit” Colton Harris-Moore’s story has already been optioned to a major Hollywood studio and “mom” has retained a big time entertainment attorney.  Hey, it’s all good.
• Did ancient man trigger global warming?  Carnegie Institute researchers studying pollen records in lake sediment conclude prehistoric hunters killing off leaf-eating mammoths contributed to too much forest overgrowth that increasingly absorbed sunlight and caused climate’s temperatures to elevate.  Whew!  The findings are due to be published simultaneously in “Geophysical Research Letters” journal and “Mad Magazine.”
• Toyota:  Good news one day, not so good the next.  Wednesday, government investigators said that many of car company’s “unintended acceleration” cases were, in fact, driver error.  Next day, troubles with Toyota’s Matrix and Corolla are at issue.  Engineers say some of those models may experience what they describe as “steering drift.”  Company says it will fix, free of charge, “steering drift” on cars whose owners complain, and are still alive.
• Food and Drug Administration recommending...that GlaxoSmithKline’s “Avandia” diabetes drug either be sold with additional warnings because of heart attack link…or be relabeled and marketed under new name:  “Avoidia.”
• Islamic Pakistan:  Motto, “Land of the Pure.”   Maybe not so much.  Muslim nation, which has banned content on at least 17 websites to block blasphemous material, is reported to rank number one – the world’s leader – in online searches for pornography, according to Google.   Pakistan’s punishment for anyone charged with blasphemy is death.  Unknown what punishment, if any, awaits those who search web for, say, “donkey sex,” a search category Google reports Pakistan has led in per-person searches since 2004.   Must really get lonely, at times, in ol’ Islamabad.
• Walgreen’s backs off plan to sell over-the-counter genetic testing kit:  FDA says kit could be interpreted as a “medical device”…and therefore sale could be a violation of law.  Kit had been considered a significant advance, using a quick, simple saliva swab to enable purchasers to determine in the privacy of their own home through DNA results what horrendous inherited condition would, in six months, leave them deader than Elvis.

July 15: First Family Follies; More Mel; and Al Gore Returns...

• President holding compass upside down? First Lady Michelle Obama spreads the word at Panama City Beach, Florida that the beaches are “oil free” and “everyone should come here” on vacation.  Meantime, First family will vacation this weekend at Mount Desert Island, Maine.  Hey, they’ve got a seashore too, you know! 
• Improved News for Toyota: Government investigation blames driver error for a number of the accidents involving claims of runaway Toyota vehicles.  Data reveals many drivers were flooring the gas pedal instead of jamming on the brakes when the crashes occurred.  Report has company engineers looking at a new “fix” – reccommending Toyota owners schedule appointments at dealerships to have the words “go” and “stop” painted on their right and left feet, respectively.
• Mel…again. Third installment of  “Gibson-Freaks-Series” has Mad Max calling thoroughly ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva a “f***ing ignorant bitch” in one inspired segment and, in another, characterizing Ms. Grigorieva as a “mentally deprived idiot” – an assessment that might, at this point, strongly suggest Mr. Gibson look in a mirror.
• Congress Probing Airline Fees.  All those extra fees airline companies are tacking on everything imaginable add up to billions of dollars.  Now, the House Transportation Committee is holding hearings on possible requirements for better disclosure of all the costs consumers face. Meanwhile, airline executives say they are considering charging a fee for having to submit to the fee structure investigation.
• Manhattan jail inmate Robert Cherry accused of stealing...a thousand dollar roll of stamps and 100 dollars worth of pens from jail commissary when the officer manning the commissary window momentarily looked away.  Guards recovered the roll of stamps from an area of Mr. Cherry’s anatomy not usually associated with receipt of mail… although the feature has been known, from time to time, to serve as a “male receptacle.”  Unknown where Mr. Cherry concealed the pens.  We shudder to think.
• Australia: Eagles become the latest accessories at Melbourne area weddings…trained to majestically swoop down the aisle over the heads of astonished guests to deliver the wedding rings to the best man or groom.  Spokesman for company “Broadwings Events” says, “in ten years you won’t remember the food you ate, but you will remember if an eagle flew in.”  Especially should bird crap a load on flower girl.  That’ll make an impression.
• Climate Guru Edges back toward Spotlight.  Nobel prize winner and alleged sex offender Al Gore is scheduled to appear with Vice President Joe Biden at Tennessee Democratic Party’s Jackson Day festivities in Nashville tomorrow.  Area massage therapists placed on high alert.
• Mealtime prayers banned at Georgia Senior Center. You pray, you pay at Ed Young Senior Citizens Center near Savannah.  Act of  “returning thanks” prior to meals subsidized by federal government violates separation of church and state, say center’s food contractors who complain that their funding could be at risk.  Shove it, reply seniors who complain that their eternal souls could be at risk if they can’t pray.   Problem dumped in lap of mayor and town counsel. God silent on controversy so far…but could be subpoenaed…  

July 14: Fidel is Back; Guns in Chicago; and Mel Gibson, Diplomat?

• Analysts remain mystified...as to why former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro agreed to appear on television this week, after health issues kept him sidelined for the past four years. 83-year-old tyrant addressed matters ranging from nuclear proliferation to energy concerns but left unaddressed why, if there is a reason, he apparently enlisted rats to groom his beard during his lengthy public absence.
• Obesity Drug being Tested by FDA. Concerns remain over experimental weight loss drug, “Onexa.” Government reports there have been some problems with memory loss and attention span deficiencies with Onexa’s use…raising the possibility, researchers say, that if Onexa is not effective as a weight loss drug in certain individuals,  patients may not only remain fat, but also fat and stupid.
• "Best Places to Live" list released by “Money” magazine: Survey focused on smaller cities this year with populations of 50-thousand to 300-thousand. Locations in Minnesota, Maryland and Massachusetts topped the 2010 findings with Eden Prairie, Minnesota taking first place. The only drawback noted – you have to move to Eden Prairie, Minnesota. Jeezus.
• “Franken’s Felons.”  Recount that turned former “Saturday Night Live” comedian Al Franken into a United States senator may have been decided by convicted felons who voted illegally in Minnesota’s Twin Cities.  According to watchdog group, Minnesota Majority, 899 suspected felons were matched to Hennepin County’s voting records.  Franken beat incumbent Norm Coleman by 312 votes.  Stephen Hawking not required to…“do the math.”
• Monday marked historic change in Chicago’s gun law after U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling of last month determined city’s handgun ban to be unconstitutional. Now, a new ordinance seeks to skirt high court’s decision and impose a number of arduous new restrictions on gun ownership. Recent history shows Chicago’s ongoing gun crackdown working well, recalling recent weekend in Windy City when 52 people were shot, 8 fatally. One weekend. Baghdad, anybody?
• Mel Gibson, diplomat? Sources say State Department, frustrated by inability to dissuade Iran from pursuing the “A-bomb,” may reach out to actor to speak bluntly to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…based on Mr. Gibson’s demonstrated and truly extraordinary expertise in deploying the “F-bomb.” Developing…
• Can This Marriage be Saved? Short answer: No. Amy Teresa Ricks of Utah has a new piece of jewelry.  An ankle bracelet.  Received from police after, they say, she blindfolded her husband, promised him “a surprise,” and hit him in the head with a hammer.  Reason not disclosed – presupposing she had one.  Mr. Ricks survived “felony aggravated assault,” and might want to think about hiding the family chainsaw.

July 13: The Grand Old Tea Party, But Hold the Salt

• Democratic governors placed on suicide watch over administration behavior.  Fear Obama legal war on Arizona will end “life as we know it” for Dems’ party.  May ask president to go to his room and not come out until term ends.  And lose the Blackberry.
• Why “tea partiers” should stick to tea:  Tea Party darling, Sharron Angle, who is trying to unseat Senator Harry Reid, offers her thinking about young girls who have “at risk, difficult pregnancies.” Specifically, in case of teen who is pregnant by her father, Ms. Angle suggests family involved look for “alternatives” and turn a “really lemon situation into lemonade.”  Note to Sharron:  A nationwide trial is currently underway investigating nutritional drink “Souvenaid” to determine its effect on “cognitive performance.”   Enroll.
• “Polanski’s loose! Everybody panic!” Swiss give complete “get-out-of-jail-free” ticket to aging fugitive filmmaking pedophile who drugged, raped and sodomized a 13-year-old in Hollywood in 1977.  Suggestion to benevolent Swiss:  Lock up Heidi.
• Auto company ‘Smart USA’ offers customers ‘Any Color You Want’ program. For a price, manufacturer of ultra-small “Smart Car” will match any shade you desire.  That way, when tiny two-passenger vehicle is inevitably creamed by a 19,000 pound Kenworth W900 with the 86-inch studio sleeper cab – or its equivalent – police will be able to determine smear on pavement was once a “Smart Car” from color.  Say, “Retro Avocado Spice.” Or, “True Coffin Black.”  Whatever.
• United Arab Emirates:  “Go Ahead.  Make Our Day.”   UAE’s ambassador to the United States endorses blasting the crap out of Iran.  In “unusually blunt” remarks, Yousef al-Otaiba says he’s all for letting ‘em have it and having Allah sort ‘em out to stop Tehran’s quest for nuclear weapons.  Only problem, Yousef is in favor of U.S. doing the required blasting, not the UAE.  Ambassador’s courageous position diplo-speak for, “I’ll hold your coat.”
• California Hits Re-set Button – Straightens Out Priorities. Bankrupt, penniless, destitute, utterly failed state – once the world’s eighth-largest economy – throws in the towel.  Instead of fiscal crisis, legislature takes up burning matter of State Senate Bill 624, which would strip title of “Official California State Rock” from the mineral, “serpentine,” because it contains some asbestos.  Legislation would simply leave California state rock unspecified.   Critics suggest, as alternative, a hunk of iron pyrite.  Better known as “Fool’s Gold.”
• Majority wants nanny-state to get the heck out of saltshaker.  75% in recent Rasmussen poll say FDA has no business dictating their sodium intake…majority is quite capable of deciding how much they want to make their arteries look like “Dick Cheney SpaghettiO’s” all on their own, thank you.