June 22: People Still Watch CNN; World's Worst Places; and Thanks, Tony Hayward

• Thanks, LarMonday night’s special “Larry King Live” two-hour telethon for victims of Gulf oil disaster generates $84.16 from the estimated 29 viewers who, amazingly, still watch CNN. Developing…
• “Joran Van der Sloot’s mother throws son under the short bus.”  Tells world that Joran, the chief suspect in the murder of one young woman and the disappearance of another, is “sick in the head”…a possibility many had already considered based on her son’s remarkable physical resemblance to “Slingblade” character, Carl Childers.
• Obama plan to permanently erase previous administration’s legacy nearly complete. With president’s closure of space shuttle program, Earth now helpless in the advent of asteroid threat.  Shuttle would be required to try to land astronauts on a wayward asteroid in an attempt to push it off course before it crashes into planet.  White House statement for catastrophic eventuality already prepared and waiting:  “Destruction of Earth, George Bush’s fault.”
• SomaliaSomalia once again tops “Foreign Policy” magazine’s annual rankings of failed states. List takes into account such metrics as security threats, economic implosion, refugee flows and human rights violations. Chad, second place; Sudan, third; Detroit, fourth.
• “Foreign Policy” magazine also issues annual list of World’s Worst Despots. Number one, North Korea’s nuke-lusting dictator, Kim Jong Il who has pauperized his people, allowed famine to run rampant and thrown hundreds of thousands into prison camps.  Second, Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, and third, New York City’s Mike Bloomberg.
• “Home Alone!”  Six year old boy and infant left by parents to fend for themselves in Apopka, Florida. No food in the house, but plenty of crack, police say.  Authorities were called when the boy showed up at a neighbor’s house asking for food.  Police say dad was out selling drugs and mom was working at the Orange County Juvenile Center…where she is an officer.  Just not a very good one.
• “Eight dead among 52 shot over violent weekend!”  Baghdad?  Chicago.
• “Jesus Hit by Lightning, Fried.”  Six-story-tall statue of Jesus Christ burns to the ground during Monroe, Ohio thunderstorm.  Landmark “King of Kings” monument had stood since 2004 until “the lightning bolt from above.”  And the message here, if any, is? We report. You decide.
• Helluva guy“The Compassion of Tony Hayward.”  BP’s yachting CEO says his company is planning to use its profits from selling the oil it recovers from disastrous Gulf leak to help restore coastal wildlife BP has been marinating in crude for the last 64 days, give or take. Aw, Tony, shucks. Gosh darn it guy…thanks.

June 21: Things That Disappear...John Edwards, Toilet Parts, and Body Parts

• Campbell Soup Co. Recalls 15-Million Pounds of SpaghettiOs. Can anything else go wrong??  SpaghettiOs manufactured at Paris, Texas plant are being pulled because the product didn’t get sufficient heat during cooking process.  Meatballs in formula.  Not good. Cans recalled have “use-by” date between June 2010 and December 2011.  Analysts say if purchasers do not wish to return the product to distributor, they may merely mark through the words “use-by” on the can and substitute the phrase “die-by” for purposes of consumption.
• Australian Jailed for Courtroom Bubble Gum Episode. 20-year-old Mirzana Zukanovic, up on an assault charge, got 30 days after he blew, and then loudly popped, a bubble while staring at the judge.  Additional charge:  scandalizing the court and challenging its authority.  “Spit out the gum and slowly back away.”
• Sony Establishes New Benchmark in Rewards of Being a Loser. Far-flung corporation gives chief executive Howard Stringer nearly $9-million in annual compensation despite massive corporate losses…40.8 billion yen through March 2010; 98.9 billion yen for 2009. Critic sees opportunity…makes offer:  “I could lose that much for, say, $1-million a year.  Give me a call.”
• Good News for the “Transgendered – Both Pre-Op and Post-Op: Travelers who fall into the aforementioned category need no longer show “surgical proof” in order to designate, on U.S. passports, whatever it is that they’ve chosen to become.  New rule:  Person who’s switched, or is switching, need only show a note from his/her doctor stating that they’ve either undergone, or are in the process of undergoing, the required treatments to get wherever the heck it is they’re heading.  Oh, heck.  Too confusing.  Just drop trou’…check appropriate box…get on the plane and go.   Jeezis.
• The Incredible Shrinking Trial Attorney.  Legal couriers trying to serve John Edwards with papers compelling his testimony in mistress Rielle Hunter’s lawsuit…can’t find him.  Nor can anybody else.  News accounts say former senator has become “a ghost” around the Research Triangle of North Carolina he calls – or called – home.  Thought, possibly, to be somewhere strategizing ways of fending off indictment for $1-million in campaign funds he’s alleged to have diverted to hide Hunter during her pregnancy.  “Milk carton” campaign being considered.
• First, illegal immigrants…now ‘The Squirrels.’  Arizona’s trials unending.  State has to drop $1.25-million on rescue of 250 squirrels. As with squirrels everywhere, endangered variety in Arizona keeps getting run over by cars. Mount Graham Red Squirrel will soon have “rope bridges” strung across the lone road in their habitat in the hope they’ll cross above, rather than on, the roadway…where as many as – horrors! – five of them on average become “pizza’fied” annually.  “Your Federal Stimulus Dollars at Work.”
• And you thought the I-man was a little strange? Please.  “Ottawa Authorities Announce Arrest after String of Toilet Flushing Parts Thefts.”  Ottawa police have arrested a suspect they say stole flushing mechanisms from public and private toilets all across the capital…restaurants, shopping malls, hospitals; nothing was immune.  Robert Morrisette, 51, is charged with dozens of counts of theft and property mischief.  Relieved citizenry says, “Thank God.  The Nightmare is over.” 

June 11: Obama's Had it; ESB vs. MT; and Headache's Gone!

• had enough“Obama Ponders Quitting.”  44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, reported to be discussing with wife Michelle, “just getting the hell out of here.”  Might return to “community organizing” in Middle West.  Sources say Mr. Obama has told Rahm Emanuel, David Axlerod – “You geniuses handle all of this crap.  I’ve had it.”  Developing…
• “Tabloids Hit New Low…Publish Death Photo of Diminutive Actor.”  Death photo of the late “Diff’rent Strokes” star, Gary Coleman, splashed across front page of a zero-class tabloid, in frenzied effort to turn a dollar.  Critics ask:  “What’s next, front page ‘scratch and sniff’?”  Ponderous.
• “Empire State Building Management Headed for Hell?” Famed landmark’s officers continue, inexplicably, to refuse to illuminate building in blue and white to honor Mother Teresa on the occasion of what would have been the 100th birthday of beloved champion of India’s impoverished and ill.  Empire State accused of “leper bias,” while celebrated nun remains on fast track to Sainthood. 
• Afghanistan, Helmand province:  Taliban militants execute seven-year-old boy whom they accused of being a spy.  Child was grabbed from his home, taken to a neighboring village, put on trial and found guilty of being a government agent.  Seven years old.  Hanged in public square.  Ever hear of a “time out”?   Very difficult “winning hearts and minds” where neither appears to exist.
• “My Headache’s Gone!”  But you’re also dead.  Danish study published in the journal, “Circulation:  Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes,” suggests the “outcome” after taking some common pain medications might not be so great.  Researchers reported that taking ibuprofen – the main ingredient in Advil and Motrin – raised the risk of having a stroke.  Terrific.  Yes…“My killer medsheadache’s gone!  But food’s falling out of my mouth and I now need a trained capuchin monkey to help me zip up my pants.”
• “North Korean ICBM Missile Threat Determined to be Nonexistent.”  A South Korean rocket, scientific satellite on board, blew to smithereens 137 seconds after lift off from a space center on the country’s southern coast.  A previous attempt to orbit a similar satellite also failed, although less spectacularly.  Analysts’ conclusion:  If tech-savvy, industrial powerhouse South Korea can’t make a rocket go, what chance does North Korea have?  They’re still trying to come up with the formula for toilet paper, for godssake.  So…“Stand down the missiles.”
• “Short arm inspection!”  And, for cops in Papua, Indonesia…better not reveal any funny business.  Papua police officials frown on local “penis enlargement” tradition.  If yours is “enhanced,” forget about joining the force.  Unnatural size causes “hindrance during training.”  No kidding.  Enlargement is achieved by wrapping member’s member in the leaves of the “gatal-gatal” tree…an irritant that causes acute swelling…and…itching…like a wasp sting.  Thanks.  We’ll pass.  “Halt!  Or I’ll club you with….”     Never mind.

June 10: A Loophole for the Saudis; Screw the Whales; and What Recession?

• “All The News That’s Fit To Crop.” Reuters gets caught with its agenda hanging out:  News agency busted for distributing cropped photographs of Israeli commando raid on ship that ran Gaza blockade.  “Touched-up” photos eliminate pooled blood of wounded Israeli, a “peace humanitarian” gripping a Rambo-style combat knife, another wounded Israeli being set upon while flat on his back.  Perhaps Helen Thomas can find a new gig, afterall.
• Recession?  Please.   Four Seasons Hotel, New York, offers the “Ty Warner Penthouse” named for the guy who dreamed up Beanie Babies and owns the hotel.  Nightly price?  $35,000.  No, those aren’t two extra zeros.  $35,000 a night.  Stay a week, you’re down a quarter of a million. But hey, you get a really good view and bathroom sinks made out of rock crystal and a waterfall and a butler and free room service and stuff.   Makes sense…given average median income in the U.S. (persons 15 and over) is $35,499.   Hey, you’re $500 bucks ahead!
• “Saudi Clerics Strike Again.”  Try to follow us on this one:  Two powerful Imams say Saudi Arabian women should give their breast milk to male acquaintances so that milk recipient would become a “relative of the family” under Islamic law…and could then come into “regular contact” with said woman without everybody involved being at risk of having their noggins chopped off.  Holy men fail to say, though, exactly how the males should obtain female’s milk.  Further specificity required…in this, our “Fatwa Of The Week.”
• “Sonny Dong, Headed to the Big House.” Dong, of Garden Grove, California, finally gets sentenced for smuggling songbirds into the U.S. from Vietnam…in his pants. Arrested at LAX last year after customs agents found a veritable aviary under his trousers, strapped to his lower legs – along with some birds that “didn’t make it” in his suitcase.  Guilty of “illegally importing wildlife.” Four months; along with monetary restitution to authorities who are caring for the birds…which included: “Six shama-thrushes, Four magpie-robins, Three red-whiskered bulbuls...and a partridge in my Dockers slaaacks.”
• Chicago’s famed Museum of Science and Industry offering free admission this week…to bring attention to special science exhibits explaining mysteries of physics and certain cultural anomalies through recreations of phenomena such as tornadoes, lightning, avalanches and governors trying to sell U.S. senate seats.
• “Obama:  Kill the Whales?”  Environmentalists’ hair on fire over Obama administration’s move to end a 24-year international ban on commercial whaling by Japan, Norway and Iceland – a moratorium that animal protection groups characterize as “the greatest conservation victory of the 20th century.”  Administration argues that it has loopholes.  Conceivably, some 38,000 whales that were killed each year before the ban reduced the number to about 1,200 – will now have “harpoon holes.”  Another “environment” suggestion:  Butt out.  And plug the hole.
• “Child Porn British Psychiatrist Cleared to Work with Children again!” Hereford, England doctor, Darryl Watts, spent 30 hours a week surfing for photos of five-to-seven year olds in sexual poses.  Got a fine, year suspension, computer destroyed…but then appealed and restrictions were lifted.  Blamed “workload stress” for sick behavior.  Told judge,  “I began to get negative thoughts about myself and dislike myself significantly.”   Join the crowd.

June 9: Drinking Kids; Stupid Docs; and Proud Hookers

• Greek, French, now Spanish “coddled class” squeals over government’s “too little, too late” austerity measures:  As Europe’s “entitlement ideology” runs dry, Spain’s public-sector workers strike; hit ceiling over spending and pay cuts the government has announced in what probably is a futile attempt to prevent nation from turning into Bangladesh with bullfights.  Analysts:  Stop whining and cut back on the siestas.
• Arizonans Win a Big One!  …as Hall and Oates cancel concert at Diamondbacks Chase Field to protest state’s immigration law.  Citizens are thus spared having to listen to aging, strangely androgynous duo warble their way through “Rich Girl,”  “Kiss On My List,” “Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid” and every other song that sounded very much like the one that preceded it.   No wonder controversial legislation has 71% approval. 
• Philadelphia – Still Setting the Standard. Kid, three, maybe four-years-old, caught on now “viral” video swigging from a beer bottle at Phillies game.  Latest “only-at-Citizens Bank Park” incident follows two other nationally publicized episodes in which a fan intentionally “blew lunch” on a cop’s daughter and five other people, and another where loon on field had to be Tasered by officers, also “on camera.”   Stay classy, Philly!
• Georgia ‘Teacher of the Year’ Administers Unauthorized Lessons. 29-year-old teaching award recipient, Keenon Aampay Hall, leaves Shiloh High School English department after admitting to…“conjugation,” so to speak, with 17-year-old pupil; at hotel, friends’ homes, even Ms. Hall’s classroom during school hours.  Investigation reveals student – football team dude – was pressured into relationship by threat of failing grade if he didn’t come across.  All together now, class:  “I hose, you hose, we hose.”
• “The foot bone’s connected to the…ankle bone.  The ankle bone’s connected to the…to…damned-if-I-know…” Florida surgeon who removed a patient’s kidney instead of his gallbladder gets fined $5,000 by Board of Medicine. Coral springs doc blames “unusual anatomy” of victim that placed kidney where gallbladder would be expected. Board imposed “light fine” saying “complication” was a case of “bad luck.” Damn straight. Patient died of heart failure three weeks later. 
• mugged!“Thelma Lou, Crime Victim!”  83-year-old Betty Lou Lynn, who played Barney Fife’s girlfriend, Thelma Lou, in Andy Griffith TV show, alarmed over L.A. crime moves to quiet Mount Airy, N.C.; model for the TV Town Mayberry – “Mayberry RFD” – where she’s promptly mugged and robbed. Takeaway: be careful what you wish for…
• Group Holds ‘Whores Day’ In Australia.  Organization, “Scarlet Alliance,” representing Australia’s sex workers, conducts International Whores Day to “create awareness.”  Of what?   Unclear…
• Dinsmore Baptist Church, North Florida: Absolute best Church Sign of week:  “Honk if you love Jesus.  Text while driving if you want to meet Him.”