August 2: Prince Charles to the Rescue; Snooki Arrested; Manure Money

• Planet Can Relax. Prince of Wales is On The Case.  In new documentary due out in November, Prince Charles reveals he has been placed in our midst as future King for a single purpose – to save the world.  Noble, if a bit pretentious goal, clearly eluding his majesty so far…given persistence of such planetary indignations as Tony Hayward, Lady Gaga, Hamid Karzai, Charlie Rangel and, yes, Camilla Parker Bowles.  
• Al beats lip-lock, ‘rub-down-there,’ hump rap! Former Vice President will not face prosecution on hotel masseuse’s sexual assault allegation.  Police in Portland say it’s all good – Molly Haggerty’s story of Nobel Prize winner being all over her like a satyric Chihuahua is “insufficient to support a criminal charge.”  Will return full attention to Global Warming rant, while laying down his own carbon footprint the size of the B.P. oil spill.
• Tokyo’s Oldest Man, Dead.  In fact, really, really dead.  When Tokyo officials went to Sogen Kato’s residence to congratulate him on the occasion of his 111th birthday, they found him lying in bed – mummified.  Figure he’d passed on probably 30 years ago.  Mr. Kato’s relatives told curious police that he had confined himself to his room all those years back and “became a living Buddha.”  Cancel that “living” part.  Along with the cake.
• Snooki Upholds ‘Joisey Shore’ paradigm.  Arrested for “disorderly conduct” by Seaside Heights cops who say she gave them a hard time after she’d allegedly been throwing back “Long Island Ice Tea” and shots of tequila in various bars.  Reportedly found her “wobbling, on her knees, unable to stand”…and possibly considering changing her name to “Snockered” after checking term’s definition:  “To drink until vision and sight are impaired and all feeling has left one’s body resulting in stupid activities.”  Urban Dictionary.  Bingo.
• Why Didn’t Toyota Think of This? Nissan announces its new cars will pump Vitamin C into the vehicle to moisturize occupants’ skin. Vehicles will be equipped with Plasmacluster Ions – developed by Sharp – that will naturally moisturize…reduce airborne bacteria and mold, deactivate airborne allergens, and control odors. Company says system will detect various offensive smells such as from, you know, pets – and will automatically switch on when necessary. Another instance of not having to say… “It was the dog.”
• You know how “sure-footed” mountain goats are?  Not in every instance.  Actual headline:  “Falling Goat Knocks Hiker Off Mountain in 50 Foot Fall.”  59-year-old Austrian, Walter Kaiser, had to be rescued by helicopter after getting knocked off the side of Hochkesslekopf Mountain by a goat that fell on him.  Animal was described as unhurt and able to scamper away.  Kaiser sustained minor injuries, and will be ordering a treadmill.
• Two Colorado firms cashing in on plan to turn manure into money:  JBS Five Rivers Cattle and Harsh International Inc. plan system to turn feedlot manure into energy.  79-year old Andy Brown of Harsh International says, “This is the most exciting thing I’ve been involved with in my career.”  Dreamily hoping to turn cow flaps into cash.  It’s been a long life for Andy – and a lonely one.

July 30: Here Comes Jesus; Life on Mars; and You'll Forget Everything Anyway

• Arizona Immigration Debate Rendered Academic, Along With Everything Else.  Reason? Jesus due back Saturday, May 21, 2011. Will subsequently blow up the planet Friday, October 21, 2011. So says Marie Exley who, though unemployed, has purchased bus bench ads all over Colorado Springs with the admonition: “Save The Date.” Unknown precisely how she knows. But you are now forewarned…and don’t have to shop for Christmas next year.
• Marriage off on unfortunate foot in Italy…where a wedding photographer, who had inexplicably asked happy newlyweds to pose holding a couple of hunting rifles as props, was shot dead’er than Elvis when one of the weapons went off.  Head shot. In southern Italy, it’s traditional for guns to be fired at special family occasions. Though not usually “at” people. “Guns Don’t Kill Wedding Photographers, Brides and Grooms Do.” Ponderous.
• Hairball Eggheads Engage in Mental Masturbation on – naturally – West Coast: Scientists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory have set fire to more than $2-billion of your tax dollars so far, 25% over budget, year behind schedule…on lunatic mission to create a pea-sized “star” that would “shine” for 200-trillionths of one second and demonstrate nuclear fusion. Project employs haywire laser “the size of three football fields,” while providing incontrovertible proof that qualifying for MENSA is no guarantee that you’re smart.
• New context for term, “cattle car.” Amtrak rolls out biodiesel  “Heartland Flyer,” – Ok. City to Ft. Worth – that runs, in part, on cow fat.  Fuel is 80% diesel, 20% rendered fat of cattle.  PETA, not impressed.  Says, “Answer to pollution is not to use ground up remains of tortured animals for fuel.”  Amtrak will collect emission data and study fuel’s impact on locomotive’s engine, gasket and valves.  Doesn’t mention studying the impact on cows that wind up in the equivalent of an industrial Cuisinart.
• NASA stunner!  Mars probes, “Opportunity” and “Spirit, find compelling evidence that life is – or at least has been – on Red Planet…in a form similar to ingredients found in “pond scum,” the building blocks of life, congress, ex-BP CEO Tony Hayward and Goldman Sachs – as we know it.
• National Institutes of Health says...there is zero evidence that nutritional supplement programs, solving “brain teaser’s or anything else for that matter, prevents, retards, or has any other salutary Imus?effect on Alzheimer’s disease or anything other form of dementia. So forget it. Though doubtless you already have.
• Holy Man Claims to Have Lived Without Food, Water, for 70 years. Team of 30 medical specialists study 83-year-old yogi trying to determine what energy supports his existence.  Prahlad Jani says his “energy needs are met solely through meditating.  Doctors next hope to study an American radio/TV icon who has survived for over a year on a diet almost as strict…apparently meeting “energy needs” solely through bitching.
• Can this marriage be saved?  Yes, darn it!!  Denver science teacher invents blanket to improve “The Marriage Bed.” Got his brainstorm from military chemical suits. Blanket looks normal on top, but sandwiched between top and bottom layers? An “activated carbon” fabric that absorbs flatulence emissions. And you thought you were smart? Please. Love means never having to say, “It was the dog.”

July 29: Ahmadinejad's Latest Decree; Behar Survives Obama Taping; and A Jesus Chicken

• Breaking News: Joy Behar Survives Obama Taping! Doctors, standing by as a precaution, said obsequious Obama adulator did not require CPR, only “heavy fanning” from time to time to get through Presidential appearance recorded yesterday for this morning’s “The View” telecast.  Expected to require nothing more than bed rest; should be fine after the weekend.
• let's get it onIran to Pay Citizens to ‘Get Busy’. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says government will begin paying families to produce children.  Each new Iranian will be worth $950 at birth – and $95 per year until age 18.  Idea is to make enough of ‘em to challenge the West.  Western world’s population approximately 1-billion-620-million. Iran’s population 74-million. Demographers advise: “Stop enriching uranium and start enriching K-Y jelly. Because the math just doesn’t work.”
• South Carolina:  A piece of metal thought to be space debris that washed up on a beach will be going on display in a museum. The 12-foot object is believed to be a piece of a rocket and will become a feature at the Coastal Discovery Museum right next to the interactive “Let’s Watch Paint Dry” exhibit.
• Philadelphia:  City Fire Department to take three fire companies out of service every day...due to the city’s budget woes. Fire Commissioner is calling the rotating closures “brownouts” and says they should save about $4-million. Expresses hope that “brownouts” won’t require dwellings in affected areas to become known as “briquettes.” 
• locked kids in motel bathroomFather-of-the-Year Honors Unlikely. 37-year-old Dallas, Texas dad, Alfred Santiago, found guilty of starving his kids and locking them in a Love Field area motel bathroom for months on end – an 11-year-girl, boys 10 and 5.  Argued that he was only following his wife’s “parenting” directives in locking them away. Penalty not yet imposed – but neutering and spaying do come to mind.
• Barney Frank’s Ferry Fuss. Openly gay House Banking Committee Chairman went ballistic when he demanded, and was denied, $1.00 senior discount on ferry fare to New York’s Fire Island. Got turned down because he didn’t have required Suffolk County Senior Citizen’s I.D.  One dollar.  Witness to drama noted, “If only he were as concerned about our money.”  
• oh pleaseWest Midlands, U.K.   “Clucking Jesus.”  Mitchell Grainger has photographed an image of Christ that has appeared in a feather pattern on the back of his pet chicken Gloria…complete with beard and crown of thorns. Need further proof, o’ ye of little faith?  Gloria was the only chicken out of 20 that survived a “vicious” attack by a fox recently.  “A miracle,” said Mitch, “Gloria wasn’t even touched.”    …So why’d the chicken cross the road? Choir practice.  

July 28: Stonings, Recalls, and Funky Coffee. Oh my.

• Chelsea Clinton’s multi-million-dollar wedding: Air-conditioned tents, $600,000. Flowers, $500,000. Food and booze, $155,000. Rehearsal dinner, $250,000. Not getting an invitation to an event whose guest list includes Terry McAuliffe, Ted Turner, Denise Rich and Barbra Streisand … priceless.
• Things to be thankful for today.  Number one:  your name is not Mohammad Mostafaei. Because if it were, you would be the attorney representing alleged adulterer Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani, the Iranian woman under threat of execution by stoning, and you would be…“missing.”  Further, your wife and your brother-in-law would have just been thrown into jail in Tehran.  And while you appear to have vanished from the planet – we’re sure you’re really just fine.
• “The View" host Behar remains under precautionary medical monitoring awaiting Barack Obama’s appearance on the program tomorrow. Producers say they just want to make sure Joy survives the experience…doesn’t have a “case of the vapors” or a stroke or a bladder embarrassment or something.  Occasion will mark the first time a sitting U.S. president will have reduced himself to “daytime talk show guest celebrity” status.
• Nissan recalls Cubes. Utterly weird mini SUV, that appears to have been designed by Cal-tech dropouts on acid, recalled after failing rear-end crash tests.  Federal inspectors found more fuel spilled than standards allow when Cube’s back end gets plowed into by some adulterous idiot texting smoking hot cheating spouse. Suggested fix: Pull off roadway; take shower.
• $400 per pound coffee tastes like crap. Due in no small part to the fact that its beans are harvested from the feces of Indonesian civets, a small cat-like mammal with an affinity for coffee berries.  Indonesians follow civets around and …well… “retrieve the undigested beans,” then package and actually sell them to the psychotically gullible to brew coffee.  As in New York City’s West Village.  Where a cup of the crap – quite literally – is called “Kopi Luwak” and costs $30. Review? “Funky, earthy, with hints of mold.” Like a litter box. 
• Medical News:  “Jon Stewart’s Face Sprouts Fur.”  Daily Show host reveals he suffers from JSM, or “Japanese Snow Monkey” syndrome, in which face, especially lower jaw, inexplicably begins producing hair similar to that common in snow monkey species. Doctors worried Stewart “may begin grooming guests” if condition worsens. Career in jeopardy.
• Your “White House 2010 Summer Recovery Tour.”  How’s it goin’?  We report, you decide. Late headlines: “Foreclosures Drive Home Ownership to Lowest Rate in Decade;”  “Consumer Confidence Sinks to Lowest Point Since February;”   “Fiscal Stimulus Fading;”   and “Probability of Double-Dip Recession Better than 50 Percent.” Thank goodness it’s not a “Summer Relapse Tour.” That’d be bad. 

July 27: Joy Behar, Long Tongues, and Sea Turtles

• Boy Scout Jamboree underway: An estimated 45-thousand Boy Scouts converge on camp site near Bowling Green, Virginia along with an equal number of men in raincoats.  Ten-days of “pitching tents” planned as scouts observe organization’s one-hundredth anniversary.
• “The View” host Behar placed under precautionary medical monitoring...after it’s revealed that Barack Obama will be a guest on the program Thursday. Producers say they just want to make sure Joy survives the experience, doesn’t have a “case of the vapors,” or a stroke, or a bladder embarrassment or something. Occasion will mark the first time a sitting U.S. president will have visited a daytime talk show.
• No religion immune from You-Know-What. Cambodian Buddhist monk, Net Khai, 37, charged with making secret videos of hundreds – that’s right, hundreds – of women as they took part in a ritual in which they bathed, naked, in “holy water” at Khai’s temple. Buddah…not smiling.
• 20-year-old budding actor Nick Afanasiev has America’s longest tongue. Extraordinary organ is a mere 36/hundredths of an inch shorter than officially recognized world record. 20-year-old Southern Californian has had brief Nickelodeon appearance and says he hopes his tongue will help him further an acting career.  Depending on film genre, Nick…definitely not out of the question.
• Man Hassling Skateboarder Beaten With Skateboard. San Francisco police say 43-year-old man taunting and name-calling skateboarding teen in the city’s Mission District got beaten over the head, repeatedly, with the board when the kid decided he’d had enough. Victim had to be hospitalized.  Skateboarder fled on weapon-of-choice and remains at large. Gnarly.
• Federal biologists in Texas release dozens of endangered baby sea turtles into the Gulf of Mexico.  Apparently decide that just stomping on the half-dollar sized creatures would be bad form.  Turning them loose to contend with the BP oil spill – much more “sporting.” Hope is that the spill will be diminished by the time the hatchlings reach the fouled area. Hey, what could possibly go wrong?
• Directional difficulties for Indonesia’s Muslims…praying to the wrong compass point! Country’s highest Islamic authority says its directive regarding the direction of Mecca actually had people facing Africa…and they need to shift about a half dozen clicks or so to the right.  Head of Indonesian Ulema Council assures faithful that their prayers have not been wasted because they were facing the wrong way.  Indonesia is a majority Muslim but officially secular and, clearly, “cartographically challenged” country.