July 13: The Grand Old Tea Party, But Hold the Salt

• Democratic governors placed on suicide watch over administration behavior.  Fear Obama legal war on Arizona will end “life as we know it” for Dems’ party.  May ask president to go to his room and not come out until term ends.  And lose the Blackberry.
• Why “tea partiers” should stick to tea:  Tea Party darling, Sharron Angle, who is trying to unseat Senator Harry Reid, offers her thinking about young girls who have “at risk, difficult pregnancies.” Specifically, in case of teen who is pregnant by her father, Ms. Angle suggests family involved look for “alternatives” and turn a “really lemon situation into lemonade.”  Note to Sharron:  A nationwide trial is currently underway investigating nutritional drink “Souvenaid” to determine its effect on “cognitive performance.”   Enroll.
• “Polanski’s loose! Everybody panic!” Swiss give complete “get-out-of-jail-free” ticket to aging fugitive filmmaking pedophile who drugged, raped and sodomized a 13-year-old in Hollywood in 1977.  Suggestion to benevolent Swiss:  Lock up Heidi.
• Auto company ‘Smart USA’ offers customers ‘Any Color You Want’ program. For a price, manufacturer of ultra-small “Smart Car” will match any shade you desire.  That way, when tiny two-passenger vehicle is inevitably creamed by a 19,000 pound Kenworth W900 with the 86-inch studio sleeper cab – or its equivalent – police will be able to determine smear on pavement was once a “Smart Car” from color.  Say, “Retro Avocado Spice.” Or, “True Coffin Black.”  Whatever.
• United Arab Emirates:  “Go Ahead.  Make Our Day.”   UAE’s ambassador to the United States endorses blasting the crap out of Iran.  In “unusually blunt” remarks, Yousef al-Otaiba says he’s all for letting ‘em have it and having Allah sort ‘em out to stop Tehran’s quest for nuclear weapons.  Only problem, Yousef is in favor of U.S. doing the required blasting, not the UAE.  Ambassador’s courageous position diplo-speak for, “I’ll hold your coat.”
• California Hits Re-set Button – Straightens Out Priorities. Bankrupt, penniless, destitute, utterly failed state – once the world’s eighth-largest economy – throws in the towel.  Instead of fiscal crisis, legislature takes up burning matter of State Senate Bill 624, which would strip title of “Official California State Rock” from the mineral, “serpentine,” because it contains some asbestos.  Legislation would simply leave California state rock unspecified.   Critics suggest, as alternative, a hunk of iron pyrite.  Better known as “Fool’s Gold.”
• Majority wants nanny-state to get the heck out of saltshaker.  75% in recent Rasmussen poll say FDA has no business dictating their sodium intake…majority is quite capable of deciding how much they want to make their arteries look like “Dick Cheney SpaghettiO’s” all on their own, thank you.