July 9: Some Entertainment News, and Lots of Sex

• Business News Headline:  “FCC Restarts Review of NBC Acquisition Deal.”  Federal Communications Commission announces that the agency is restarting the “review clock” on Comcast’s move to acquire control of NBC.   Sub-headline:  “Cable TV Giant Reveals Death Wish.” 
• Who Wants to be a Millionaire?  Answer, Celador Entertainment.  British production company that created inane TV quiz show wins suit against Walt Disney company and is awarded $270-million, as a matter of fact, after California jury agreed that Mouse outfit had stiffed ‘em by hiding hit program’s profits.  Celador company spokesman – with apologies to Mickey –  “Oh boy!”
• John Edwards Update.  And not what former senator wanted to hear.  Specifically, that a North Carolina judge is willing to sign an order directing Mr. Edwards to testify about a video that the would-be “leader of the free world” is widely believed to have made with Rielle Hunter…. a video whose theme is reported to be the “biological process” behind the baby John so long denied having had anything to do with…a process referred to by many names but known scientifically as “Giving a Carrot to the Bed Bunny.”
• Your Food and Drug Administration is on the case!  Watchdog group sends snoop into FDA headquarters in Washington D.C.  Spy finds, among other things, FDA’s cafeteria is vending food items that have phony health claims on their labels.  FDA.  In their own cafeteria.  You may now dine with confidence.  Your federal tax dollars are at work.
• Suffer the young male escorts to come unto me. Which is among the things police say Father Kevin Gray, 64, a former pastor of Waterbury, Connecticut’s Sacred Heart Church, did with church money.  A lot of church money.  $1.3-million scammed from the church over the course of seven years and used to pay for some very “secular” pursuits…swanky restaurants, posh hotels, Armani clothes, vacations, New York apartment and male prostitutes. Church statement says they’re praying for guidance and reconciliation for Father Gray.  Until that works, the first-degree larceny charge will just have to do.
• Bad Teeth End Negotiations for Sex.  The preceding is an actual headline.  Gainesville, Florida man went to police complaining he was robbed by a woman he intended to pay for sex, but refused when she smiled at him revealing a set of teeth that belonged in a graveyard.  When he quickly “terminated negotiations,” 25-year-old Jennifer Elder allegedly snatched his wallet and fled.  Police say it’s unlikely Dan Alford will face charges because he was the victim of a felony.  To put it mildly…
• And just one more from the Sunshine State:  “Inmate uses rubber band to bind drugs to penis.”  There.  33-year-old Jason Graham of Venice, Fl. was changing into his blue jail jumper when a deputy said he heard a “snap” as Graham pulled up his pants.  On the floor, a white object with rubber band attached.  Investigation revealed Graham had “hidden a package of pills on his person” by securing it to his penis with the aforementioned rubber band.  So, add “contraband” to previous charges against Graham – and new context for the term, “Mr. Happy.” 

July 8: Lohan's Finger Message, People Like Joe Biden, and Where's That Darn Bag?

• Ham-fisted Homeland Security Secretary Thinks Twice. Janet Napolitano reverses goofball order prohibiting TSA personnel from viewing “controversial opinion websites” one day after policy was announced.  Couldn’t handle the heat from critics whose heads exploded noting that taking off your shoes is one thing – taking off your First Amendment protections is something else entirely.
• Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Finger Foul.'  As the tabloid fixture made her pre-sentencing speech to a California judge emphasizing respect for the court and taking responsibility for her behavior – magnified image of hands reveals the message “F**K U” written on nails of Lilo’s middle fingers.  Conveniently, starting July 20th crazy kid’ll be getting 90-day prison term during which she can file ‘em off.
• Glucosamine?  Please.  People taking the stuff for back pain associated with osteoarthritis had an “improvement rate” after six months that was exactly that of a control group taking sugar pills.  Glucosamine joins ginkgo biloba, Echinacea and black cohosh on the list of homeopathic remedies that have failed to produce any noticeable result other than draining your wallet. Findings published in JAMA.
• Swiss team plans ambitious mission to circle globe in aircraft powered entirely by the sun.  Analysts wondering whether sun-dependent adventurers have heard of meteorological condition called…“clouds.”
• American Airlines – again.  This time a lost luggage incident.  Specifically, the luggage of the guys who were here this week to make sure nobody tried to whack the Prime Minister of Israel, Bibi Netanyahu.  AA ramp workers at JFK airport lost a suitcase that contained the security detail’s Glocks.  No, not “socks.”  Glocks.  The 9-millimeter weapons wound up in L.A. rather than D.C.   Bibi survived.
• Sky Falling on Obama, Democrats:  President and his party fare poorly in new Gallup survey.  Support among independents slides below 40% for the first time.  Further, new Harris Poll finds only 26% of Americans now have favorable view of Joe Biden.  Headline?  “26% of Americans Have Favorable View of Joe Biden!” 
• Headache!  Consumer Product Safety Commission is recalling some giant, steel stadium light poles that can crack and fall at stadiums and school gymnasiums.  Affected poles are between 70 and 135 feet tall, weigh around four tons…and are installed in a number of locations around the country.  “T-E-A-M…Team, Team, SPLAT!”
• Swine Flu Vaccine Shortage Predicted!  Basically, because 40-million doses of the stuff worth about $260-million is past its “use-by” date and is going to have to be incinerated.  Meaning, of course, that you get “burned” twice paying for all the H1N1 public health hazard frenzy. Vaccine against hype…not yet available.

July 7: NASA, Toilets, and Horses

• House:  When we cancel a program, we cancel a program.  As Obama administration moves America’s space shuttle fleet into space exploration history – NASA chief Charles Bolden says the agency’s new “foremost mission” is to improve relations with this planet’s Muslim world.  Could include taking a look at flying carpet technology as possible replacement for shuttle program. 
• Toilet lids don’t kill people, people kill people.  28-year-old Florida (of course) woman charged with aggravated assault after attacking cousin with ceramic toilet lid.  Police say Angelic Inamorato of New Port Richey took a swing at victim’s head with lid, before opting for more conventional revolver and threatening to kill him.  Stole his wallet and fled, but left him intact.  Restraining order now being sought by Kohler, American Standard.
• Today’s Appearance by Member of Holy Family: Drainpipe. Coventry England. Jesus’s image spotted by 38-year-old nurse, Alex Cotton, on garden downspout.  Cotton says, “It’s got the crown of thorns and the beard and everything.”  What it doesn’t have is a reply from the Vatican to the invitation Alex issued to the Pope to come and see the thing during pontiff’s next tour of the UK.  Holy See apparently unmoved by…“The Second Plumbing.”  
• World’s most pointless public figure representing most pointless quasi-governmental entity makes pointless speech to pointless body:  Queen Elizabeth addresses U.N. Calls for world peace.  Please go home and stay there.
• You Mingle, We Mangle. Behavior Cops Strike Again in Saudi Arabia.  Kingdom continues to move toward modernity, just not, you know, really fast.  Four women and 11 men sentenced to flogging and prison for being at a party together.  Religion police busted the event last month and dragged the miscreants away…thus enforcing strict interpretation of Islam that forbids unrelated men and women from – horrors – “mingling.”    
• One Beaver Too Many in Minnesota.  A scene painted on a sculpture of a beaver in the town of Bemidji, Minn., has been removed by the municipality because some observers said it appeared to represent female genitalia.  Sculptor argued that artwork at beaver’s midsection was meant to portray Mother Nature’s hands folded in prayer.  Others saw something equally “natural,” but entirely different.  They won.  “Beaver removed.”  In more ways than one.  So to speak.
• violatedMarathon Man. Byron Christopher Jordan charged with bestiality in Covington, Georgia, after having sex with a horse.  And then another horse.  And then one more.  Stables owner finally wrestled the pajama-clad Mr. Jordan off horse number three as cops arrived.  37-year-old “equestrian” is looking at one-to-five, police say, and the obligatory “check up from the neck up.”  Horses okay.  At least physically.  Emotionally?  Who knows…

July 6: The Queen's Hard Times; Obama's Suits; and Peace Out, Larry

• needs helpRoyal Rejection. Queen Elizabeth applies for, and is refused, raise. Will have to manage “household expenses” on last year’s budgeted amount -- $12-million. British Finance Minister says her royal tight-fistedness has agreed to a one-year freeze. Queen’s net worth – 2009 estimate –  $450-million.  Telethon, unnecessary.
• Showbiz news:  All those in favor say "aye."  With recent announcement by Larry King that he’d like to end “Larry King Live” program, sentiment regarding show among America’s 309,620,000 citizens is now unanimous.    
• Welcome aboard.  If you’re ticket destination reads something other than "hell," please deplane now. Nightmare Newark-bound Virgin Atlantic flight, scheduled to leave London at 5:33 p.m., arrives Newark15 hours later…by bus…from alternate airport, Bradley Field, Connecticut. Did we mention that aircraft’s generators weren’t working?  They weren’t.  No A/C.  Cabin temperatures hit a hundred. 300 passengers and 14 crew now being served as hors d’oeuvres at Newark Liberty International Airport restaurant.
• Obama "Summer Recovery Act Tour" Blows By Maywood, California. Where the city has begun its own “recovery” by laying off all city employees, disbanding all services. Municipal treasurer Lizeth Sandoval blames Maywood city council saying, “You guys had the power to change things and you didn’t.”  Likely Sandoval’s last official pronouncement. She’s being laid off. 
• “President’s suits, outsourced?”  Overseas firm that controls men’s apparel maker HMX – whose labels include Hart Schaffner Marx and Hickey Freeman famously favored by the president…slashing costs and aggressively moving production overseas. HMX’s Des Plaines, Illinois plant – right in Mr. Obama’s backyard – believed to be on the chopping block. Another 1,000 jobs lost and worse – “The emperor has no clothes.”
• “I Left My Austerity Narrative…in San Francisco.” Former California Governor Jerry Brown, on the campaign trail, fondly reminds voters of frugality that the candidate says guides his life and politics. Now trying to “square the circle” with his latest home; custom-designed, Zen-inspired, five-level, $1.8-million dollar “architectural gem” perched high in the hills of one of San Francisco’s most prestigious neighborhoods with “breathtaking views of the bay.”  Will have to adjust criticism of opponent, eBay gazillionaire, Meg Whitman. 
• keep it closedWhile we were away: “Pain in the Ass Calls Merchant Smartass.” Washington’s compassion for small business on display: Vice President Biden – again – on campaign trip with Senator Russ Feingold. The two stop in at Kopp’s Frozen Custard in Milwaukee to get a cone. Manager says, “It’s on us,” then adds, smiling broadly, “lower our taxes we’ll call it even.”  Veep replies, “Why don’t you say something nice instead of being a smartass.”  Takes one to know one? 
• That ain’t no ‘Baby Ruth’ bar…unfortunately. Miami, Florida officials fail to notify beach-goers, swimmers, of 20-million-gallon raw sewage spill.  Posted a few “unobtrusive signs” regarding hazard…but neglected to verbally warn people entering Oleta State Park for fun day at the beach.  Now that 72-inch pipe that ruptured has been repaired, good news is that officials say the sewage may never have actually reached beach.  Bad news…that word, “may.”

June 23: Bad Planes, Bad Charities, and MSNBC Working With White House???

• MSNBC Program Participant Admits Incestuous White House Relationship: “Morning Joe” program co-host, Mika Brzezinski, let’s slip that she is “working with the White House” on oil spill debacle “talking points.” Repellent television presence says she has “file that I’ve been working on with the White House and I’ll be very transparent about that.”  Transparency admirable but unnecessary, Mika. We kind’a already knew.
• “Islamic smack-down.” Iranian morality cops issue warning to 62,000 – that’s right, 62-thousand - “badly veiled” women that they better get their frikkin’ outfits squared away as part of a summer-time clampdown on dress and behavior. Gotta be covered head to toe with hair completely veiled, doggone it, or else. Let’s limber up the lash, whaddaya say? Onward to modernity, dammit!
• Charity Watch: Just give a few bucks to the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer and move on, okay? Particularly in view of today’s charity headline: “Planned Parenthood Missing Millions.” Great. Government Accountability Office says Planned Parenthood spent just $657-million between 2002 and 2008, but took in $2.3 Billion during the same time period from government grants and programs; or, stated another way, from your contributions and tax dollars. So where the heck did a billion 703 million go?? All together now… “Uh-oh.” 
• “First the choir boys, now the choir funds!” Hartford, Connecticut Archdiocese asks police for help after investigation reveals priest, Father Kevin Gray, may have “rendered unto Caesar” – and that would be Father Gray himself  – more than a million dollars from his parish over several years.  Archdiocese says it discovered the missing dough during a routine financial review.  Father Gray?  Also…“missing.”  And you may now slap your forehead in ecclesiastical astonishment.
• “This is your captain speaking…  We will be flying at either 34-thousand feet or six feet under.  Depends.”  FAA inspection of American Airlines fleet finds structural cracks in three 767 wide-bodies.  One aircraft described as so unstable that it was about to shed an engine. FAA is on the case, though. Working “to find the cause of the cracks” and also considering some new rules and regs and stuff. Meantime, agency may rescind carry-on ban of more than 3-ounces of Krazy Glue.
• Good bye, good-lookin’. Obama administration’s budget director, Peter Orszag, has had it. Becomes first Obama cabinet member to bail. Orszag expected to join a think tank. Orszag “rug” expected to join next BP attempt to plug Gulf oil leak.
• “Play dead, Rags…Rags?”  Natural Balance Pet Foods recalling five pound and 28 pound bags of “Sweet Potato & Chicken” dry dog food.  Company says random sample of the food by the FDA tested positive for salmonella. “You can get up and go chase the stick now, Rags. Rags? Okay, maybe not.”
• “Go Forth and Multiply.  Exponentially.” Baktawng, India villager, 66-years-old, living la vida loco: Believed to have the world’s largest single family living under one roof – 162 – including 38 wives, 94 children and 30 grandchildren. Under one roof. All of them. 162. “Need the john? Take a number.”   Dear god.