August 16: Obama's Wild Ride; What Happens to Bad Teachers in India; and A Car Powered by What?

• Obama Underlines His Concerns about Economy. Uses presidential helicopter for six-mile trip to northwest Washington to make economic speech.  Hourly cost of Marine One chopper?  $9,990.  Cost of premium gasoline for s 20-minute trip by presidential limo?  About 20 bucks.  Being president?  Priceless.  Spokesman Bill Burton on why Marine One instead of presidential limo: “Because it was easier.”   Your Federal Tax Dollars At Work.
• Recovery Summer:  Wyoming May Sell Chunk of Grand Teton National Park. “Desperate” Governor Dave Freudenthal says unless Obama administration comes up with education money for the beleaguered state, he’ll have to auction land in Grand Teton, one of the nation’s most stunning wildernesses.  As Dave puts it, “If the federal government won’t dance with us, we’ll look for another partner. This ain’t our first county fair.”  The governor, eloquently demonstrating Wyoming’s need for better book learnin’.
• Huge Ice Island Breaks From Greenland Glacier Global warming theorists search for words to describe dismay. Global warming skeptics search for giant olive, volcano-sized martini glass.  Developing…
• Seattle Continues at Forefront of Drug Fight. City adds “crack kits” to long-time needle exchange program.  In addition to syringes for heroin addicts, Seattle begins handing out crack pipes, pipe filters and ascorbic acid for injecting crack.  Officials estimate program supplies zombies with 2-million needles per year….and now 10 crack pipes per day.  “Are you holdin’?”  “No, but Mayor McGinn is,” apparently…
• Thiruvananthapuram, India: T.J. Joseph, a 52-year-old teacher at a private, Christian-run college, will have to negotiate his remaining years with slight physical impediment.  Had his right hand chopped off by gang of eight men after he posed an exam question interpreted as a slight to the prophet Mohammed.  Precise nature of question not revealed by Newman College for, well, obvious reasons:  School’s administrators opt to remain…“intact.”
• Ultimate Energy Answer Announced in U.K.  British engineers convert VW into “Bio-Bug”…a car that is powered by methane gas derived from human waste. Swear that drivers are absolutely unable to tell the difference.  Biogas from sewage of just 70 homes can power conventional VW Beetle 10,000 miles at speeds of up to 114 miles an hour…140 if habanero peppers got involved somehow.
• “Neighborhood Watch” program becomes “Neighborhood Lost and Found.”  Denise and Jeffrey Lagrimas, hosting a Neighborhood Watch meeting in their Oroville, California home to discuss concerns about local crime, arrested during the meeting after an attendee spotted her recently stolen TV in Largrimas’ house and also realized Denise was wearing attendee’s stolen dress.  That’s the bad news.  Now the good news:  Police were already on hand to give the “watch” program folks an award.  Gave them nice, shiny, locking “bracelets” –  instead.  “You have the right to remain stupid….”

August 6: National Night Out, No Good; Illegal Lemonade Stands; and Mega-Earthquakes

• Man Murdered at Anti-violence Event. Not the desired effect sought by “National Night Out” community organizers in Paterson, NJ. 39-year-old Robert Godfrey, attending a block party thrown for the annual crime awareness observance, in fact “checked out” when a man he was arguing with ended the conversation by shooting Mr. Godfrey in the head. “Night Out” message may still need some refining…
• Indianapolis Hot-rodder Builds 367 MPH Bus. Yellow “regulation” school bus heavily modified to accept fighter jet engine and stresses of 367 MPH quarter-mile speed. Paul Stender says his company, Indy Boys Inc., hauls the bus around to show kids that “there’s more to life than sitting in front of computers.” Apparently not a hell of a lot, Mr. Stender, if you’re putting jet engines in school buses.  Must be a lonely existence.
• Rape Charge Maestro Ends European Tour. Famed Russian pianist Mikhail Pletnev, who conducts the Russian National Orchestra, has pulled out – sorry – has “canceled” concerts planned for London and Edinburgh after being charged with sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy in Thailand.  Mr. Pletnev says he needs time to deal with the allegations against him, and to adjust the symphony’s repertoire to include the much-loved classic, “Bend Over Beethoven.” 
• Hands on the counter and spread ‘em! Small business owner – in fact, about 3’6” tall – shut down by Oregon health inspectors.  Portland company doing business as “Julie Murphy’s Lemonade Stand” cited for failure to obtain a $120 temporary restaurant license. Julie’s 7.  Business located in her front yard.  “Okay, squirt, drop the lemons and slowly back away.”  First it’s lemonade, next thing you know it’s meth. Excellent job, Portland!
• Kindergarten Free-for-All Mars Graduation. Two women face charges as a result of a fight that led to a chair-slinging brawl during a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony. San Bernardino County investigators say argument…then chair-slinging, hair-pulling, full-metal-jacket combat between 31-year-old Queiona Burt and 29-year-old Marina Ruth Vargas got so nuts that officials had to place the school on lockdown. Both could get six-months for “unlawful acts committed on school grounds.”  Doubtless had to have been a consequence of a couple of those asinine “My Child Is Pupil-of-the-Week” at such-and-such school bumper stickers. How about slapping those bumper stickers over your mouths.
• Dick Guilty in North Carolina Indecency Case! Registered sex offender, Jerry Dick of Greensboro, pleads guilty to exposing himself to a woman sitting in a car near an elementary school.  Investigators say no children witnessed the incident, nor should they have had any opportunity to.  After an indecency conviction in 2002, Dick was required by law to notify school authorities anytime he was near a campus.  Officials say that didn’t happen in the most recent case, or some 30 other times he was “too close for comfort.”  Dick is being put away.  State prison. 16 years.
• California Budget Crisis About to be Solved? Experts say a devastating “mega-earthquake” off the coast of California is now considered twice as likely as previously predicted…and would be accompanied by a massive tsunami.  Entire population centers could slide into ocean…totally eliminating requirements for expensive city services and dramatically reducing state’s crippling deficit.

August 5: Sailing Around the World; Aretha Goes Down; and the World's Smallest Porn Star

• Obama Signs Bill Reducing Cocaine Gap. President signs into law measure narrowing the disparity in penalties for the use of crack cocaine and powder cocaine. Does not announce any definitive plan, however, to reduce “Budget Gap.” White House: One gap at a time for crissakes, okay?
• Dutch Girl, 14, on Quest to Become Youngest to Sail Solo Around the World. Laura Dekker left her home port this week after her family battled courts that were trying to prevent the stunt.  Ms. Dekker is now on track to become the youngest person to be hauled out of the Atlantic wetter than a half-drowned mohair rat after getting maybe 400 nautical miles before boat sinks like a lead safe in the middle of a perfect storm.  Laura, your parents hate you.
• “You answer it.  No you answer it.”  Contraband search of Jamaican drug suspect Tesha Miller’s jail cell for turned up nothing, initially, as police sought a cell phone they believed Miller was using to contact cronies on the outside.  As officers were leaving, empty-handed – a phone rang.  Further search revealed ring tone was coming from inside Mr. Miller.  Also discovered a charger and tube of Vaseline.  One might think that, for more than one reason, he would have set it on “vibrate.”  
• Aretha Falls; Fractures Ribs, Floor. Legendary entertainer forced to cancel two New York appearances.  In a statement, singer says she was “very much looking forward to being in Brooklyn and having a foot-long hot dog at Coney Island,” a statement we believe to be true.  Queen of Soul also expressed disappointment at having to miss August 11th birthday party for U.S. Rep. Charles Rangel and “a piece of birthday cake,” a statement with which we also see no reason to quibble, as Ms. Franklin now looks as though she ate the entire Chelsea Clinton nuptials event, guests included.
• Florida: Fort Lauderdale police book burglary suspect, 48-year-old George Albert Horn, after security video recorded him entering St. John the Baptist Catholic Church, pulling a crucifix off the altar and using it as a pry-bar to break open a donations box for the poor.  “I’d like my one-way ‘Ticket to Hell’ punched now, please.  Thanks.”
• Bridget the MidgetCareer Ender.  Stoughton, Mass. cop Richard Bennett, 28, surrenders badge after getting caught ogling “Bridget the Midget” who bills herself “World’s Smallest Porn Star.”  Fellow officers spotted Bennett going into a strip joint, on duty, to catch the act of 3’9” Bridget Powers and ratted him out.  In case you’re unfamiliar with her work, Ms. Powers has received enthusiastic reviews for her performances in such films as “Double Midgetation” and “The Littlest Squirt,” blurbed: “Wet babe Bridget enjoys bathtub fun!”  Turn in your gun.
• Joyful Joyful We Shall Freeze Thee…Not what Jesus had in mind:  Alabama evangelist Anthony Hopkins, 39, preached at numerous revivals, authorities say, all of which his wife was unable to attend.  Largely because she was home, in the Frigidaire, and unable to be “revived”…by “laying on of hands” or any other mean – spiritual or secular.  Pastor Hopkins will now spend life, plus 51 years, for storing Mrs. Hopkins in freezer after killing her back in 2004.

August 4: Bad Stimuli, Obama's Bad Birthday News, and the Italian Prime Minister's Romps

• sure, build something hereSenators McCain and Coburn Release List of “100 Worst Stimulus Projects.”  Encompasses such vital necessities as a $71,263 study of monkeys on cocaine…$500,000-and-change for new windows in a vacant building at Mount St. Helens hoping “that some purpose is found for the location in the future”…and $762,372 for an interactive dance program at the University of North Carolina.  Critics note absence of administration’s highly touted “shovel ready” projects – unless you include equipment needed to clean up the B.S. represented here.
• Family’s ‘Focus’ Shrinks – Again. Lord slams brakes on American evangelical tax-exempt non-profit, Focus on the Family, by also making it “non-income.” Donations fall off a cliff. Organization cuts workforce by another 110 after laying off 385 previously…thus allowing more of the faithful to “serve the poor” – themselves. Not what they had in mind.
• Why President Obama may put on Groucho glasses, slip out a side door, and just let Michelle and Rahm handle it: New Gallup poll has overall approval rating slumping to 41%, the lowest yet.  Health-care bill he signed into law hits all-time low in Rasmussen poll, and nearly 6-in-10 say “repeal it”…and Arizonans, by 71%, not only oppose Obama position on illegal immigration – but also say the Feds should build a fence – like yesterday – from San Diego to Brownsville.  On the wrong side of history? We report. You decide.
• She May Have Lost Her Seat – But Not Her Platform.  Veteran, and ex White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, to be immortalized by Arab American National Museum.  After ending her career by saying Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine and go home to Poland and Germany,” Ms. Thomas will get a statue in her honor at the Dearborn, Michigan facility.  Not known, at this point, whether Ms. Thomas will pose for the statue herself or artist will simply look at a garden gnome.
• It depends on what your definition of ‘pile’ is. Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi today finds himself in the center – no pun intended – of allegations that he took part in four-in-a-bed sex romps.  “Escort” Terry De Nicolo reveals story to investigators saying she was in the sack last year, in southern Italian town of Bari, with the really “Prime” minister and a couple of party-girls out of Rome…not discussing a crisis in Euro exchange rate mechanisms.
• “Alcohol Was Involved.”  Two 34-year-old men in Horsham, Australia underwent emergency surgery for gunshot wounds as a result of a plan born out of a drinking bout.  They wondered if it hurt to get shot and obliged each other.  It did.  “Guns don’t kill people, drunks with guns kill people.”
• Indonesian rainforest yields more new species: Among remote area’s most unusual – a male tree frog whose bulbous nose inflates when calling females. Creature may share some ancient DNA connection to mammals, scientists say, citing obvious physical and behavioral similarities with Bill Clinton.

August 3: American Boozers; Racy E-Mails; and Holy Thieves

• U.S. Hasn’t Ruled Out Attack on Iran. Today’s feel good story:  Joint Chiefs Chairman, Admiral Mike Mullen, says military option remains very much “on the table” in dealing with lunatic regime.  Does not reveal what the “option” might be, though more than a few observers hope it just might include granting Tehran’s “desire to have nuclear weapons”…so to speak.
• Poll: 67% of American Adults Drink Alcohol.  Figure is up from last year, reflecting a population trying to cope with things like administration’s “Summer Recovery Tour.”  Given how things are going, researchers say a better headline would be:  “33% of American Adults Don’t Drink?”
• New Jersey Institutes ‘Crash for Clunkers’ Program. Because of budget constraints, Garden State is ending godawful mechanical inspections of private automobiles.  Yes, there is a God.  Move is expected to save the state  $17-million and spare New Jerseyans further motor vehicle inspection torture.  Program’s end is also expected to relieve pressure on other state mandates by reducing New Jersey’s population through grinding, blood-curdling multiple car smash-ups because some irresponsible a-hole’s brakes are Swiss cheese.
• Corzine and ExAbout whom was this email written?  “I had an over the top erotic dream about you last night.  Bad boy!”  A: John Edwards.  B: Eliot Spitzer.  C: Johnny Wadd.  D:  None of the above.   “D” is the correct.  It was written by Carla Katz, according to the Newark NJ Star Ledger – to former boyfriend and NJ Governor, Jon Corzine – before their relationship flamed out in 2007.  Another one reported by the Ledger:  “A hard man is good to find.  Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie.  You are both a good man and a hard man…and I like both.”  Jonnie, we hardly knew ye.
• A little late?  “Obama Hopes Rep. Rangel Can Leave With Dignity Intact.”  Given the laundry list of Ethics Committee charges against the congressman, observers suggest Obama’s view is a little like hoping “Madonna can leave with virginity intact.”  Ain’t gonna happen.
• Can this Marriage be Sav…  Never mind. The answer’s “no.” A Swedish couple called off their wedding after a visit to a pub the night before concluded with the prospective groom threatening to kill the prospective bride. Police in the village of Vintrosa said it was the first time they’d searched an assault suspect and found two weddings rings in a pocket. Which can now be hocked. Especially after the 33-year-old man reportedly slugged his intended – again – after police arrived. Suffers “MGCS” syndrome:  Mel Gibson…Charlie Sheen.
• The Lord helps those who help themselves. Well, yes and no.  Police in Georgia nail two thieves who they say had broken into no fewer than nine churches and “helped themselves” to $100,000 worth of musical equipment.  Suspects?  Deshawan Thomas and Rico Blackshear, both 28, and both locally well-known gospel singers.   Everybody now, “Shallll We Get Sent Up the Riii--ver….”