September 8: Texting While Doing Something Else; The Crazy Florida Pastor; and What to Do With Your Ferrari

• Perverts Rejoice: “Take That Craig Critics!”  Denied “Adult Services” category on Craigslist, service “providers” simply move ads elsewhere.  Where’s “elsewhere”?  Perhaps any one of 81-million-700-thousand agencies listed in “results” to a Google inquiry requesting, “Adult Services.”  Entrepreneurship:  “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”  Stimulus!
• Nutcase Florida “Pastor” Seeking Guidance From Above.  Rev. Terry Jones, responding to top-level Pentagon concern that his “Burn a Koran Day” brainstorm will inflame Muslims and endanger U.S. troops, says his congregants still plan to go through with the event but he’s now “praying about it.”  By coincidence, U.S. state of Florida happens to be Earth’s most frequent lightning strike target.  ‘Careful what you pray for.
• “Plumbers…an endangered species?” Mayor of Dublin, Georgia signs ordinance prohibiting saggy pants. Crackdown – or rather – “injunction” bans pants “more than three inches below the top of the hips exposing skin or undergarments.”  Mayor Phil Best says he is responding after about a year of fielding complaints.  Violators will receive fines ranging from $25 to $200.  And America, save for plumbers, shall sleep better tonight.
• Will this be covered in Obama administration’s infrastructure $50-billion?  “First, illegal immigrants…now Squirrels.” Arizona’s trials – unending!  State drops $1.25-million to rescue 250 squirrels. Endangered “Mount Graham Red Squirrel” will soon have “rope bridges” strung across the lone road in their habitat in the hope they’ll cross above, rather than on, the roadway…where as many as – horrors! – five of them on average get “pizza’fied” by the rare passing car each year.  That’s right.  Five.  “Your Federal Stimulus Tax Dollars at Work.”
• Gettin’ it Done…Well Done.  Good news: I have a Ferrari. Bad news:  I have a Ferrari and look like “In Living Color’s" Fire Marshall Bill. Not that there are that many of them, but Ferrari is recalling all of its new “458 Italia” models after several of the vehicles exhibited a nasty tendency to suddenly burst into flames.  Base sticker for the 570 horsepower supercar  $230,000…excluding “Reconstructive Surgery option.
• Don’t Text While Driving… or smoking either, for that matter.  Two Montana teenagers texting a marijuana dealer got the wrong number.  Just one digit off, but a REALLY wrong number: That of Clark County, Montana Sheriff Leo Dutton.  Dutton played along, replied to the text, then handed the case off to county Narcs.  Oh darn. Yes, there is a reason they call it, “Dope.”
• And you thought the I-man was a little strange?  Please. “Ottawa Authorities Announce Arrest after String of Toilet Parts Thefts.”  Ottawa police have arrested a suspect they say stole flushing mechanisms from public and private toilets all across the capital…restaurants, shopping malls, hospitals; nothing was immune.  Robert Morrisette, 51, is charged with dozens of counts of theft and property mischief.  Relieved citizenry:  “Thank God.  The nightmare is over!”

August 20: Obama Disappears; No More Showers in the UK; and Piggly Wiggly Rage

• Summer Recovery Tour to be renamed Summer Relapse Tour. With unemployment statistics hitting a nine-month-high, administration planning to ask attendees at various town hall venues to turn to burglary, grand larceny, Nigerian-style Internet scams as means of generating income.  Treasury Secretary Geithner:  “Nothing else has seemed effective.  We know this will work,” citing TARP program; Cash For Clunkers.
• Obama in hiding in Massachusetts?  In wake of latest unemployment statistics, president is reported to be somewhere in Martha’s Vineyard vicinity preparing to deploy emergency slide from second floor of vacation retreat, grab a couple of beers, announce, “F--- it,” hit-the-silk and resign presidency.
• Car Czar to have ignition interlock device installed on personal vehicle.  After stating that Detroit “bail-out” had saved “a million jobs,” Washington’s Car Czar, Steve Rattner, will now be required to blow into “ignition lock out” mechanism that will not permit car to be started until he stops drinking...Jeezus.
• Prince of Wales demonstrates – again – why mom won’t step down and let him be King. Now, “Charles The Ecologist” says Britons must not bathe. Take “very short showers” instead to save the environment. Launches campaign entitled, “Snub the Tub.” As for the Prince himself, spokespersons declined to say whether he takes short showers, or is satisfied with just “soaking his head.”
• “The I-Fart?”  Yes.  And, the accompanying “I-Wiz.” Apple Corp. is said to be in “damage control” after the head of the company’s App Store was found to be selling “animal fart” and “urination” apps.  Phillip Shoemaker’s sideline, marketed under the name Gray Noodle, allows users to “Set Fart Threshold” through inquiries such as, “How much gas do you want to pass?”… as well as set “Non-stop Urination Sounds.”  Although unconfirmed, it is believed that Mr. Shoemaker is somewhat older than twelve. “Chronologically,” at least.
• Health News: “Beer-Drinking Women Invite Psoriasis.”  Study by National Psoriasis Foundation finds that drinking beer increases the risk of scaly, red, inflamed psoriasis lesions in women by over 70 percent.  Beer drinking by men does not appear to produce similar effect.  However, it does produce well-documented psychological reaction that makes men not give a damn whether women have psoriasis or not…based on amount of beer consumed and lateness of hour.
• Cash Register Rage. Port Washington, Wisconsin police respond to Piggly Wiggly quick-check store, arrest man who “lost it” after woman tried to shove a cart with 37 friggin’ items through the “10 items or less” check out lane.  Was issued a disorderly conduct citation and a $429 fine.  Should have been issued a Distinguished Civilian Service medal and a $429 reward.
  
  
  

August 19: Sex and More Sex; Barney Frank; and West Virginian Woes

• Sex Crime D.A. Charged with Sex Crime. Former Alabama assistant D.A. Steven Giardini, who specialized in prosecuting sex crimes against minors – accused of enticing a “minor” online to, well…“ride the baloney pony.”  15-year-old child turned about to be a very grown-up agent from the FBI’s Internet Crimes Against Children division…and not amused.  Giardini resigned his office after FBI agents searched his home.  Not reported what they were looking for, but probably not Mr. Giardini’s MENSA documents.
• Flip-Flop of All Time Trophy to House Financial Services Committee Chairman. Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank, who famously declared in 2003, “Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are not facing any kind of financial crisis,” tells Fox News’ Neil Cavuto – now – that both should be “abolished.”   Anti-vertigo medications on your left. 
• Kinder, Gentler, Iran?  Lawyer representing Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, the Iranian woman under a death sentence on a disputed adultery rap, says his client still has a chance to be spared execution by stoning.  Attorney says Tehran just might reconsider because of international outrage over the case.  Ashtiani still likely to be killed, but by more “palatable” means than a gang of unhinged Nolan Ryans chucking bricks.  “Hanging” has sort of a nice ring to it, according to Tehran’s behavior police.
• U.K. Socialized Medicine. Everything is Covered. British taxpayers picking up tab for man with “mild learning disability” to travel to Amsterdam to get laid.  Caseworker says sex is a “human right” and describes unnamed “patient” as “a frustrated virgin.”  Trip to Dutch capital’s red light district next month is being funded through government program to empower those with disabilities…that is reportedly paying for other “patients” to visit prostitutes, strip clubs and experience “exotic” holidays.  Now that’s health care!
• Explanation for West Virginia Revealed.  Study ranks Mountain State as America’s “most medicated.”  West Virginians filled more than 18 prescriptions per capita in 2009 compared to national average of eleven-point-six. State has extraordinary rates of obesity, heart disease, diabetes, meth mouth and other chronic maladies…as a result of a population living like they’d lose their trailer if they didn’t eat lard-fried hog-howls in buttered scrapple every four hours.  Okay, three hours.
• Chess Legend Paternity Case Settled. Bobby Fisher’s body was exhumed in Iceland in early July for DNA sampling.   Results “exclude” the possibility that he fathered 9-year-old Filipino child and officials say the paternity case is “settled.”  A chess master by the time he was 15, Fischer achieved international fame in 1972 when he defeated grandmaster Boris Spassky of Russia, becoming world champion.  He then went nuts, adopted the persona of locoweed and grew a long beard like he thought he was Methuselah.  He wasn’t.  He died in 2008 at age 64, fittingly, the number of squares on a chessboard.
• Obama Ponders Quitting.  44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, reported to be discussing with wife Michelle, “just getting the hell out of here.”  Might return to “community organizing” in Middle West.  Sources say Mr. Obama has told Rahm Emanuel, David Axlerod – “You geniuses handle all of this crap.  I’ve had it.”  Developing…
  
  

August 18: 'Shotgun' Weddings; Stimulus Signs; and WWSSD?

• celebrate good times, come on!Shotgun wedding? No, AK-47 wedding. Three family members at a wedding in Turkey shot dead by groom firing his AK-47 in celebration of happy event.  Tevfik Altin reportedly lost “directional control” of weapon’s muzzle and put a few rounds into the guests.  Dropped six in all…three of whom did not require cake and permanently lost chance to dance with bride. Ever.  Authorities explain guns are often fired in celebration at Turkish weddings.  Might just want to do the Macarena and let it go.
• People With Sex Lives Worse Than Yours. Kanawha County, West Virginia sheriff’s deputies pick-up 61-year-old Eddie M. Campbell in public park for allegedly committing “lewd acts.”  With a clothes dummy.  Officers said at the time of his arrest, Mr. Campbell had his pants around his ankles, shirt off, and was sitting on a park bench with the mannequin on his lap.  Ordered to knock it off, suspect reportedly replied that he was “just trying to have a little fun.”  It’s lonely in Kanawha County…
• Attention Deficit Disorder Statistics in Question. Michigan State University researchers say nearly a million American children may have been misdiagnosed with A.D.D. by adults who mistake normal immaturity of youngest kindergarten students for a sign of a real behavioral prob…Oh look!  A Robin!
• Putting America Back to Work by Making ‘Putting America Back to Work’ Signs.  American Recovery and Reinvestment Act stimulus money – an estimated $20-million of it – has gone to make roadside signs announcing that this-or-that construction project has been “Funded By: “American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.”  A case, critics observe, of govt. using tax dollars to inform citizens that govt. is using tax dollars.  Yossarian lives.
• Today’s dose of “supplement confusion” comes by way of British and U.S. researchers...who tracked 12-thousand people over several years who were taking calcium supplements to strengthen bones. Bottom line? That’s a good-looking skeleton. Calcium supplements raised heart attack risk by 30 percent.  Findings can be read in the “British Medical Journal,” as you clutch your strongly supported chest.
• Never mind Jesus…“What Would Steven Slater Do?”  American Airlines flight to California diverts to New Mexico after complete idiot strikes a match on board. Yes. Struck a match. Intended to smoke. Apparently never heard of either Richard Reid or Federal Law 106-181 prohibiting smoking on all scheduled flights. Passenger extremely fortunate not to have gotten “Jet-Blued” by flight attendants and seatmates.
• How, exactly, does this help? Florida-based recruiting company posts job notice for a marketing position stating, “No unemployed candidates will be considered at all.”  Worse, analysts say refusing currently unemployed candidates is a growing trend among job placement firms.  Excuse me?   “You’re unemployed?  Get the heck outta here before I call a cop.”

August 17: Czech-Korean Relations; Way to Go, Ronnie; and Killer Maple Syrup

• smells like diplomacyThrow in some Cialis and we’ll call it even.  Czech Republic considers allowing North Korea to pay off some old debts by using one of its few valuable commodities…ginseng root aphrodisiac. Tons of it.  Basically broke Communist nation owes millions for heavy machinery it received during Eastern Europe’s Soviet era. “Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours – hey, the stuff was primo.”
• Taliban play ‘rock, paper, scissors.’  Rock wins. Young couple, accused of adultery, stoned to death by Taliban morality cops in northern Afghanistan.  First, the 20-year-old woman was brought out and stoned for half an hour.  Then, the 28-year-old man. Analysts:  Forget “hearts and minds.”  Start by just trying to get these guys to drop the friggin’ rocks.
• this guy's a real winnerJersey Shore Cast, Keepin’ It Real.  Two weeks after “Snooki” got hauled away for alleged public drunkenness, now it’s cast member Ronald “Ronnie” Ortiz-Magro’s turn.  Busted for outstanding warrants on unpaid parking tickets.  No, it’s not exactly jackin’ cars, but at least it’s something to follow up on his arrest last year in a club brawl in Seaside Heights.  Represent!
• High Speed Chase Avoided.  Vancouver, British Columbia:  Elderly, 230 pound man robs Prince George Bank of Nova Scotia; makes getaway on a walker.  RCMP spokesman said suspect was apprehended about 45 minutes later and about 150 feet away.  Won’t have to do a “perp walk.”  More like a “perp shuffle.”
• thanks for protecting us from thisSecretary Napolitano, on the Case. Terrorism concerns end factory tours at Vermont maple syrup factory.  Maple Grove Farms of St. Johnsbury, one of the nation’s largest maple production facilities, says post 9/11 security guidelines didn’t prohibit the company from continuing tours it’s conducted for almost a century – but retrofitting the plant to separate tourists from the production floor, stipulated by guidelines, was way too expensive. Your Department of Homeland Security – keeping you safe – one can of maple syrup at a time
• Where we find ourselves today, in the regime of climate change science: Research published in the journal, “Nature Geoscience,” suggests ancient humans hunted giant wooly mammoths and mastodons to extinction some 13,000 years ago…causing a massive depletion in atmospheric methane from mastodon/mammoth flatulence that, in turn, produced an ice age.  Ergo, to prevent catastrophic climate change, begin rippin’ some mammoth farts.  our planet needs you.
• World Health Organization:  “Swine Flu Still Constitutes Worldwide Pandemic.”  Which is why roughly 70-million doses of swine flu sit unused or expired in clinics, doctor’s offices, and warehouses across the United States…and will have to be thrown out unless researchers discover that the vaccine compound breaks up oil.