September 8: Texting While Doing Something Else; The Crazy Florida Pastor; and What to Do With Your Ferrari

• Perverts Rejoice: “Take That Craig Critics!”  Denied “Adult Services” category on Craigslist, service “providers” simply move ads elsewhere.  Where’s “elsewhere”?  Perhaps any one of 81-million-700-thousand agencies listed in “results” to a Google inquiry requesting, “Adult Services.”  Entrepreneurship:  “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”  Stimulus!
• Nutcase Florida “Pastor” Seeking Guidance From Above.  Rev. Terry Jones, responding to top-level Pentagon concern that his “Burn a Koran Day” brainstorm will inflame Muslims and endanger U.S. troops, says his congregants still plan to go through with the event but he’s now “praying about it.”  By coincidence, U.S. state of Florida happens to be Earth’s most frequent lightning strike target.  ‘Careful what you pray for.
• “Plumbers…an endangered species?” Mayor of Dublin, Georgia signs ordinance prohibiting saggy pants. Crackdown – or rather – “injunction” bans pants “more than three inches below the top of the hips exposing skin or undergarments.”  Mayor Phil Best says he is responding after about a year of fielding complaints.  Violators will receive fines ranging from $25 to $200.  And America, save for plumbers, shall sleep better tonight.
• Will this be covered in Obama administration’s infrastructure $50-billion?  “First, illegal immigrants…now Squirrels.” Arizona’s trials – unending!  State drops $1.25-million to rescue 250 squirrels. Endangered “Mount Graham Red Squirrel” will soon have “rope bridges” strung across the lone road in their habitat in the hope they’ll cross above, rather than on, the roadway…where as many as – horrors! – five of them on average get “pizza’fied” by the rare passing car each year.  That’s right.  Five.  “Your Federal Stimulus Tax Dollars at Work.”
• Gettin’ it Done…Well Done.  Good news: I have a Ferrari. Bad news:  I have a Ferrari and look like “In Living Color’s" Fire Marshall Bill. Not that there are that many of them, but Ferrari is recalling all of its new “458 Italia” models after several of the vehicles exhibited a nasty tendency to suddenly burst into flames.  Base sticker for the 570 horsepower supercar  $230,000…excluding “Reconstructive Surgery option.
• Don’t Text While Driving… or smoking either, for that matter.  Two Montana teenagers texting a marijuana dealer got the wrong number.  Just one digit off, but a REALLY wrong number: That of Clark County, Montana Sheriff Leo Dutton.  Dutton played along, replied to the text, then handed the case off to county Narcs.  Oh darn. Yes, there is a reason they call it, “Dope.”
• And you thought the I-man was a little strange?  Please. “Ottawa Authorities Announce Arrest after String of Toilet Parts Thefts.”  Ottawa police have arrested a suspect they say stole flushing mechanisms from public and private toilets all across the capital…restaurants, shopping malls, hospitals; nothing was immune.  Robert Morrisette, 51, is charged with dozens of counts of theft and property mischief.  Relieved citizenry:  “Thank God.  The nightmare is over!”