The I-Man's Blog: Masturbator Hater

A lot of people are in trouble.  Moral peril.  Almost certainly including you and the rest of the estimated 90% of males who masturbate – and the 10% who are liars – who all unwittingly sin. 

Those percentages represent an accepted, scientific, “statistical analysis consensus” about the total male population, single and married, that engages in masturbation, frequent or occasional.  In fact, according to the same research, well over 60% of females are at moral risk because they “indulge” as well. Given the size of the United States population – nearly 310 million – that’s an “Eddie Long load” of self-gratification going on out there. 

Frankly, I’m sickened.  Now all I can think about when I meet somebody in the hallway or a social situation of any kind – and every time I encounter another male – is that this individual has very possibly just loped his mule…and now wants to shake my hand.  Or slap me on the shoulder or whatever.  Keep your stinking, mule-loping hands off of me.  Of course, my own hands are mule lopers as well, at least “statistically,” so lets just both keep our hands to ourselves.

I didn’t ask to have to think about “population masturbation,” but I got forced into it when Christine O’Donnell won the GOP senate primary in Delaware.  Now, I can’t get it out of my mind because Ms. O’Donnell is both a “big deal” and a “sexual purity” person.

Part of her “sex purist platform” is that she doesn’t want anybody to masturbate. That’s a tall order given that 9 in 10 men and 6 in 10 women are already practitioners, according to science. One of Ms. O’Donnell’s sex positions is that adultery is bad.  I agree.  After all, it is proscribed by God Himself in the seventh and tenth of the Ten Commandments.

Here’s the difficulty:  Christine says, and accurately I think, that lust and adultery are inseparable.  Further, she points out that when you have a masturbatory experience you inevitably create “lust images” in your mind.  So, if lust and adultery are inseparable, then mule-loping, or “slapping Barbie” if you’re female, constitutes adultery…just without the dinner and “hold me” obligations.  Also, if you “self-pleasure,” then you blow right through Bible Commandments seven and ten; the former being the specific prohibition against adultery, the latter being the one that says don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, his ox, his ass, or what have you.

The conflict is obvious:  If you commit the real thing, classic adultery, that’s bad and the consequences are awful.  See, “John Edwards.”  But if you opt for masturbation as a means of not committing adultery – you’re still committing adultery.  At least in the interpretation of candidate O’Donnell.
The conflict for Ms. O’Donnell’s senate aspirations is equally clear:  If she wants to win, she’s going to have to modify her masturbation stance or – according to the statistics – risk alienating nearly 100% of the electorate.

Perhaps she could say something along the lines of a familiar, although admittedly unsatisfying, political straddle:  “Actually, I was for mule-loping, before I was against it.”            

Jerkin' for Jesus: Bishop Eddie Long

Bishop Eddie“Jesus wasn’t broke, and leaders of churches shouldn’t be either.”  So declares the Bentley-driving founder and pastor of Atlanta, Georgia mega church, New Birth Missionary Baptist:  “Bishop,” as he has titled himself, Eddie Long.

Okay, maybe. But when Jesus said, “suffer the children to come unto me” he wasn’t suggesting they “come unto his motel room” and submit to a lesson in the spirituality of a “holy massage with joyful ending.”  But, if present allegations prove to be true, it appears that traditional interpretation of Luke 18:16 may have been lost on Bishop Eddie. 

Back to the cash angle for just a moment…amen?  According to tax records, Bishop Eddie’s charity – Bishop Eddie Long Ministries, Inc. – provided him with a not so Jesus-like $3-million in salary and benefits, a 20-acre estate and a $350,000 Bentley.  Jesus could have driven anything; Bentley, Rolls, Bugatti, simply by folding His arms and doing one of those “I Dream of Jeannie” eye blinks. But He went with the donkey idea.  He didn’t own a house, much less an estate; he crashed at whatever disciple’s place was handy.  And He didn’t get a paycheck.  So where Bishop Eddie backs up his “Jesus wasn’t broke and I shouldn’t be” in some scripture reference is a mystery.

Larry Summers, fellow Harvard gradThis seems like pretty much another case of what I’ve talked about on the radio recently, about how we always seem to get “had” by somebody we thought we knew.  And it’s usually a person of influence.  Like Barack Obama turning out to be dumber than a drawer pull; nice enough guy, lovely family, but in so far over his head Thad Allen couldn’t save him.  Harvard alumnus.  So what?  Harvard produced that genius Larry Summers.  And about fifty percent of the rest of the inept “sophisticates of governance,” democrat and republican alike, who are killin’ us.  Thanks, Ivy League. 

But I digress. Bishop Eddie. If it all turns out to be true, the Rev’ is disappointing 25,000 swooning faithful in his immediate church right there in Atlanta, and who knows how many in the audience reached by his TV ministry all over the place. Is nothing sacred?  Let’s hope the answer is, “yes,” and that he wasn’t, in fact, worshipping the “Rod of Aaron” at a Day’s Inn on some sick Jesus junket with juveniles, as alleged.

I’ve got to confess, the “rug” he wears makes me suspicious:  If he’d try to cover up a little “alopecia” with something that looks like an oiled cat is sitting on his head…what else might Bishop Eddie Long be trying to conceal?



The I-Man's Blog: Jimmy Carter

Who is the most appalling A-hole on the planet?  Given that Pol Pot is dead?  Michael Vick might have had that distinction until John Edwards happened.  Mel Gibson?  Bernie Madoff? Osama Bin Laden?  Excuse me, but I don’t think so.  Not so long as the 39th President of the United States is alive.

Jimmy Carter. The very name triggers a physical cringe-gag reflex.  Jimmy Carter is a walking emetic.
 
Did you see him on “60 Minutes” Sunday?  How did you manage to sit through that?  We owe a debt of gratitude to Lesley Stahl for adding conclusive corroboration of everything we’ve ever thought about the crazy meddling bastard: Jimmy Carter is Earth’s most detestable person.

Let’s list his attributes:

Okay, let’s forget it…
He has none.

Maybe one.  He’s 85 years old.  So he can’t possibly be around much longer to annoy everything that breathes. I know the whole thing about how he served aboard a nuclear submarine and all of that.  But did he just stand too close to the reactor, or did he actually stick his head inside?  Because he is a clinical idiot.
And a bitter one at that.

You saw his latest idiocy Sunday evening:  Accusing Ted Kennedy, a dead guy, of stopping a health care bill that Carter whined he tried to get passed back in the 70’s.  He said it was personal.  America would have had a reformed health care system today if Kennedy hadn’t ruined everything because he didn’t want Carter to have any sort of major accomplishment because he hated him.  The only problem with Carter’s analysis is this:  Everybody hated him.  Hated him then and hates him now.  I hate him.  Whether you admit it or not, you hate him.  Has there ever been a more bellyaching, sour, moaning, wimp-assed, incompetent sulking turd?  No there hasn’t.  He says Kennedy stopped his health care idea back when evil planets aligned to somehow actually make Carter the president…because Teddy didn’t want him to have major achievements.

Can you identify any major achievement he had?  Let’s list a few Carter Accomplishments:

Panama Canal1: He presided over the fall of the Shah of Iran and the installation of Ayatollah Khomeini, the crazed fruit loop who took over our embassy for 444 days and left the world in a condition where 9-11 could happen. Carter called Khomeini “a liberator.”  Jesus.
2:  He gave the Panama Canal to China. 
3:  He signed off on the “Community Reinvestment Act” that brought us subprime loans and, today, an America that is owned by China.
4:  And, speaking of the insane regimes, Carter never met a murdering despot he didn’t like.  Yugoslav’s Marshal Tito:  “A man who believes in human rights.”  North Korea’s Kim Il-Sung:  “Vigorous, intelligent, surprisingly well-informed.”  Romania’s Ceausescu:  “Our goals are the same.”  And Castro and Noriega and Marcos and Mao and on and on.
5:  He had that “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” family of mutants.
6:  And he grew peanuts.  What the hell did we expect?

When Eugene McCarthy was asked why he voted for Reagan in 1980, his explanation was that Carter had “abdicated the whole responsibility of the presidency while in office.  He left the nation at the mercy of its enemies at home and abroad.  He simply was the worst president we ever had.”

McCarthy nearly had it right.  But he really could have gone just a little further to say, “There simply never has been a dumber sonofabitch in a position to f- -k up everything in recorded history.  Never.”   There’s dumb - that's forgivable.  Then there’s repulsive and dumb - that’s not. 

And that’s Jimmy Carter.  Thanks a lot, A-hole.  

The I-Man's Blog: Pastor Terry

Here’s my question:  How did a nut-log with some “shake-the-snake” divinity degree and a fifty family “church” in a Florida Quonset hut wind up getting the attention of Interpol, the President of the United States, the Secretary General of the United Nations and the Pope in the first place? 

One possible answer:  By making Jim Jones look lucid.  Not the one who’s the National Security guy.  You’ll never make him look lucid.  Remember his “Taliban and the Jewish Merchant” joke?  That went over well.  No, I’m talking about the Reverend Jim Jones who left us with the phrase “drinking the Kool-Aid” after he distributed that “snuff communion” to 900 of his followers down there in Guyana back in the ‘70’s 

Which brings me to the Reverend Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center – his “church” in Gainesville, Florida.  Pastor Terry is the humanitarian who came up with, thankfully, the now cancelled “Burn a Koran Day” brainstorm to commemorate the events of 9/11…apparently as a project for his “Start World War Three” merit badge.  Perfect.  “I don’t think they hate us enough yet.  Let’s pile up a bunch of their holiest bestsellers and torch them.”   Jim Jones killed 912.  This guy?  If he’d had his way, who knows?  What’s the population of the planet?

Anyway, right up until late Thursday, Pastor Terry wasn’t backing down.  Actually, I liked that.  My kind of religious nut.  A fanatic who you couldn’t pry loose with either reason or a “prostitute-a-day” for life program.  I did have a problem with the moustache, though.  A preacher?  He looked more like he ought to be banging out bikes at Orange County Choppers screaming at Mikey than banging on a Bible screaming inanities at Muslims from the Sunshine State.  Jesus.

Speaking of Jesus:  Wasn’t one of the last times a gang of wild-eyed lunatics burned a bunch of books back in Nazi Germany?  While it may come as a revelation to Pastor Terry, Jesus died on a cross.  Not a swastika.  Idiot.

September 9: Obama in Cleveland; The Beauty of Flying Aeroflot; and Sausage is Bad For You?!?

• Cleveland, Ohio:  President Obama announces still more new measures to get economy moving.  Average American now begging him to stop…just stop everything and sit still for five minutes for god's sake. Developing…
• B.P. releases long-awaited results of  “internal probe” into Gulf Oil Spill.  Company’s investigators reveal that B.P. top echelon executives were all out helping crippled children or volunteering at soup kitchens at the time Deepwater Horizon rig exploded…go on to identify George Bush as catastrophe’s most likely cause.  
• Desperate incumbent?  Platte City, Mo. politician charged with OVER “exposure.”  Alderman Charles Cook faces fine-and-time if convicted of showing his manhood to a constituent he’d met at a Platte City grocery store...allegedly asking her, “would this satisfy you?”  Reply, authorities said, was a strong suggestion that Mr. Cook please restore his junk to its normal place of abode.  Cops called.  Arrest made. Unless he happens to run for the presidency from the neighboring state of Arkansas – higher office for Alderman Cook, doubtful.
• Global Warming…No, Cooling…No, Warming…No…??  Old Farmer’s Almanac releases 2011 issue.  Oldest continuously published periodical predicts Earth will continue to see a “gradual cooling of the atmosphere.”  Further, new research published in the journal, Nature Geoscience, says estimates of the rate of ice loss from Greenland to West Antarctica should be cut by half.  Forgot to “carry a one” here and there, and overlooked a few other factors that should have been included.  No response, as yet, from a certain celebrated Nobel laureate. 
• Russia’s Aeroflot airline updating “look” and “fleet.”  Company says it’s hiring “eye-catching girls” as it works to improve tarnished image after psychologists said current flight personnel – their words – “evoke revulsion in passengers.”  Aeroflot is also reported to be replacing its Russian-manufactured planes with Boeing and Airbus aircraft so that flights have an improved chance of reaching their scheduled destinations in a condition that allows them to actually be used again.
• “More Sanctions – STAT!”   International Atomic Energy Agency says “sanction-saddled” Iran has actually increased its stockpile of enriched uranium by 15 percent despite “pressure” on the country exerted by economic penalties – and, in fact, could build as many as three nuclear bombs if it further enriches the material it now has on hand.  Conclusive assessment is difficult, IAEA reports, because sanctions-shaken regime is also refusing to allow inspectors access to “aspects of the Iranian nuclear programme.”  Like…fuses? 
• Heart Health…Easy on the Kielbasa:  Fresh research findings published in journal, “Circulation,” warn risk of heart disease and diabetes goes up significantly with volume of “sausage intake.”  Implications unclear for Linda Lovelace, Monica Lewinsky, Lindsay Lohan, who’s scheduled to star in a Linda Lovelace biopic.  “Just say no.”