August 20: Obama Disappears; No More Showers in the UK; and Piggly Wiggly Rage

• Summer Recovery Tour to be renamed Summer Relapse Tour. With unemployment statistics hitting a nine-month-high, administration planning to ask attendees at various town hall venues to turn to burglary, grand larceny, Nigerian-style Internet scams as means of generating income.  Treasury Secretary Geithner:  “Nothing else has seemed effective.  We know this will work,” citing TARP program; Cash For Clunkers.
• Obama in hiding in Massachusetts?  In wake of latest unemployment statistics, president is reported to be somewhere in Martha’s Vineyard vicinity preparing to deploy emergency slide from second floor of vacation retreat, grab a couple of beers, announce, “F--- it,” hit-the-silk and resign presidency.
• Car Czar to have ignition interlock device installed on personal vehicle.  After stating that Detroit “bail-out” had saved “a million jobs,” Washington’s Car Czar, Steve Rattner, will now be required to blow into “ignition lock out” mechanism that will not permit car to be started until he stops drinking...Jeezus.
• Prince of Wales demonstrates – again – why mom won’t step down and let him be King. Now, “Charles The Ecologist” says Britons must not bathe. Take “very short showers” instead to save the environment. Launches campaign entitled, “Snub the Tub.” As for the Prince himself, spokespersons declined to say whether he takes short showers, or is satisfied with just “soaking his head.”
• “The I-Fart?”  Yes.  And, the accompanying “I-Wiz.” Apple Corp. is said to be in “damage control” after the head of the company’s App Store was found to be selling “animal fart” and “urination” apps.  Phillip Shoemaker’s sideline, marketed under the name Gray Noodle, allows users to “Set Fart Threshold” through inquiries such as, “How much gas do you want to pass?”… as well as set “Non-stop Urination Sounds.”  Although unconfirmed, it is believed that Mr. Shoemaker is somewhat older than twelve. “Chronologically,” at least.
• Health News: “Beer-Drinking Women Invite Psoriasis.”  Study by National Psoriasis Foundation finds that drinking beer increases the risk of scaly, red, inflamed psoriasis lesions in women by over 70 percent.  Beer drinking by men does not appear to produce similar effect.  However, it does produce well-documented psychological reaction that makes men not give a damn whether women have psoriasis or not…based on amount of beer consumed and lateness of hour.
• Cash Register Rage. Port Washington, Wisconsin police respond to Piggly Wiggly quick-check store, arrest man who “lost it” after woman tried to shove a cart with 37 friggin’ items through the “10 items or less” check out lane.  Was issued a disorderly conduct citation and a $429 fine.  Should have been issued a Distinguished Civilian Service medal and a $429 reward.