August 5: Sailing Around the World; Aretha Goes Down; and the World's Smallest Porn Star

• Obama Signs Bill Reducing Cocaine Gap. President signs into law measure narrowing the disparity in penalties for the use of crack cocaine and powder cocaine. Does not announce any definitive plan, however, to reduce “Budget Gap.” White House: One gap at a time for crissakes, okay?
• Dutch Girl, 14, on Quest to Become Youngest to Sail Solo Around the World. Laura Dekker left her home port this week after her family battled courts that were trying to prevent the stunt.  Ms. Dekker is now on track to become the youngest person to be hauled out of the Atlantic wetter than a half-drowned mohair rat after getting maybe 400 nautical miles before boat sinks like a lead safe in the middle of a perfect storm.  Laura, your parents hate you.
• “You answer it.  No you answer it.”  Contraband search of Jamaican drug suspect Tesha Miller’s jail cell for turned up nothing, initially, as police sought a cell phone they believed Miller was using to contact cronies on the outside.  As officers were leaving, empty-handed – a phone rang.  Further search revealed ring tone was coming from inside Mr. Miller.  Also discovered a charger and tube of Vaseline.  One might think that, for more than one reason, he would have set it on “vibrate.”  
• Aretha Falls; Fractures Ribs, Floor. Legendary entertainer forced to cancel two New York appearances.  In a statement, singer says she was “very much looking forward to being in Brooklyn and having a foot-long hot dog at Coney Island,” a statement we believe to be true.  Queen of Soul also expressed disappointment at having to miss August 11th birthday party for U.S. Rep. Charles Rangel and “a piece of birthday cake,” a statement with which we also see no reason to quibble, as Ms. Franklin now looks as though she ate the entire Chelsea Clinton nuptials event, guests included.
• Florida: Fort Lauderdale police book burglary suspect, 48-year-old George Albert Horn, after security video recorded him entering St. John the Baptist Catholic Church, pulling a crucifix off the altar and using it as a pry-bar to break open a donations box for the poor.  “I’d like my one-way ‘Ticket to Hell’ punched now, please.  Thanks.”
• Bridget the MidgetCareer Ender.  Stoughton, Mass. cop Richard Bennett, 28, surrenders badge after getting caught ogling “Bridget the Midget” who bills herself “World’s Smallest Porn Star.”  Fellow officers spotted Bennett going into a strip joint, on duty, to catch the act of 3’9” Bridget Powers and ratted him out.  In case you’re unfamiliar with her work, Ms. Powers has received enthusiastic reviews for her performances in such films as “Double Midgetation” and “The Littlest Squirt,” blurbed: “Wet babe Bridget enjoys bathtub fun!”  Turn in your gun.
• Joyful Joyful We Shall Freeze Thee…Not what Jesus had in mind:  Alabama evangelist Anthony Hopkins, 39, preached at numerous revivals, authorities say, all of which his wife was unable to attend.  Largely because she was home, in the Frigidaire, and unable to be “revived”…by “laying on of hands” or any other mean – spiritual or secular.  Pastor Hopkins will now spend life, plus 51 years, for storing Mrs. Hopkins in freezer after killing her back in 2004.