Weds Heads

• Massachusetts Governor Duval Patrick: “The legislation passed by each house of Congress bears a striking resemblance to the Massachusetts model.”  Uh-oh.  Bay State reportedly is back asking Washington for hundreds of millions to bail out its universal health-coverage system…on top of $21.2 billion feds are said to have already ponied up over three years to keep the thing ticking.  Sound the alarm.
•  “No soup for you!”  Continental Airlines discontinues free food for economy class. Pretzels, in a bag the size of a Sweet n’ Low package, will still be available. Flying New York to L.A., suck one pretzel to approximately St. Louis, then suck the other on into L.A.  Snobs in first, of course, will still be choosing – free – the “Unidentifiable Beef Entrée, sir?  Or would you rather our “Breast of Chicken in the Agent Orange Sauce?”
• Kissing??  Off with their heads!  Well, something short of that.  Nevertheless, British couple who greeted each other with a kiss in Muslim Dubai face jail term for running afoul of emirate’s “decency laws.”  Attorney for the two says kiss was innocent, a brief greeting, nothing “intimate.” Month in jail, followed by deportation, however, if they lose an appeal.  Fist bumps only, please, if you know what’s good for you.
• Banking:  2008, Swiss bank UBS had to have government aid to stay afloat.  Now, UBS has paid out $94.3-million to its top executives, roughly ten times the amount it paid in ’08 when the same “fatcats” nearly took it under…and, they’re getting back into the mortgage markets that caused the bank’s problems in the first place.  Just hope that there’s not a really, really p-o’ed shareholder somewhere out there, with a private plane at his disposal.
• “And yet another happy cruise to Barfville.”  Norovirus outbreak on Royal Caribbean’s “Celebrity Mercury” has forced the fun vessel back to Charleston, S.C. port.  342 unhappy cruisers on board, wishing they were dead. Ship will be carefully inspected to determine the cause of the outbreak…since it comes after more than 600 people became ill during the same ship’s previous two cruises.  Three strikes, maybe you ought’a be out.
• With the passing of China’s He Pingping, world’s shortest man at 29 inches tall, Guinness World Records officials are expected to transfer title to Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal, who stands just 22 inches tall…and who, had he not died, Pingping actually could have dunked on.
• World’s greatest invention:  California firm comes up with lipstick that changes color when wearer becomes aroused.  Let me repeat that: It changes color reflecting arousal, from clear to a deep crimson. But wait, there’s more:  It comes with a COLOR CHART enabling you to gauge the “intensity” of passion.  Let me repeat that:  It comes with a COLOR CHART.   Life is good.
• This will really encourage “security compliance.”  Remove your shoes?  West Palm Beach airport TSA personnel say the odor that has accumulated on carpeting from passengers who’ve “removed their shoes” for the X-ray gizmo is horrid. How horrid? To the point that officials are actually working on a plan to replace the rugs.  Solution for you?  None.  Other than walk on your hands.  And wear surgical gloves.