Monday's "News"

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi studied by psychologists, body language experts:  Conclusion, that the congresswoman may actually be physically incapable of vocalizing sounds without an accompanying synthetic, condescending, “teacher-to-kindergartener,” affected, grinding, repulsive half grin.   Say researchers, “we believe the condition is permanent, fixed in the obicularis oris musculature of the lips, and sure as hell regrettable.”
• “Want to sneak across U.S.-Mexico border?  Hey, there’s an app for that!”  And you’re paying for it.  Thanks to University of California professor (taxpayer funded institution) who has developed a cell phone that includes a free GPS applet that locates best illegal immigration routes, food resources, and confederates on this side to help culprits skulk in. Research now underway to develop an app that would neutralize bleeding heart college professors.
• “Mad as hell and not going to take it any more!”  Fort Lauderdale, FL man devises way to beat water bill.  Blows up home.  43-year-old Johnny Dossey reduced his mobile home to a hot slag of runny aluminum to stop water assessment he felt was exorbitant. How much was it?  70 bucks.  Now, of course, has a still unpaid water bill and an arson rap.  Police say – wait for it – “alcohol may have been involved.”
• A match made in…?   28-year-old Korean marries his pillow. Full civil ceremony.  Lee Jim-Gyu wed his “dakimakura” – a kind of long, huggable pillow that has a woman’s face and form printed on it.  It gets worse.  Lee dresses “beloved” pillow in bridal attire and takes it everywhere; rides at fair, parks, restaurants. Orders food for the damn thing. Constant companion. Had they only known, might have saved careers of Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford…among others. 
• “Your Holiness, watch your back.” Vatican’s chief exorcist, 85-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, says church’s sex scandals are the result of demonic possession within the very walls of the Vatican itself.  Father Amorth knows from whence he speaks – says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of possession during 25-year career.  That’s 2,800 a year.  53 a week.  Busy man.  Critics say it might be time to pin the old “coliseum dog track” note on Father’s vestments.
• “Why don’t they just turn it into a 16 mile circular planter?”  Umpity-billion-dollar Large Hadron Collider is going to be shut down. Again.  Goofy “experiment” intended to reveal ultimate secrets of something will be idled for a year to strengthen joints in its massive magnets.  Just got restarted after being down for 14 months for helium leaks and vacuum leaks and electrical arcing and you name it.  Great project.  Recession?  What recession?
• This is Al Gore’s brain. This is Al Gore’s brain on ice. Nobel laureate silent on latest Gallup poll finding…that global warming doubters now comprise fully 48% of U.S. population…and make you want to go – Damn! 
• One day after Canada’s Finance Minister promotes government restraint to balance budget, Jim Flaherty “private jets” to London, Ontario for photo-op at a Tim Hortons coffee shop.  Bill?  $3,100 of taxpayers’ money.  Transport Minister buddy says no government plane was available, so, Flaherty was “just following rules.”  So were those guys in the guard towers at Auschwitz, if memory serves.