Tuesday: There Are Lots of Crazy People Out There...Except One Genius at KFC

• Afghan President Hamid Krazee:   Caped leader with the goofy hat sounds as though he’s been smoking his brother’s dope crop: endears himself to NATO, America, by cozying up to Iran and China…whines that U.N. tried to stack presidential election against him, accuses U.S. of interfering in Afghanistan’s internal affairs and caps everything off by threatening to join the Taliban if he gets any more criticism. Now remind us again, why are we over there?
• When you know for sure you really, absolutely, have had enough. 52-year-old Paul John Sos of San Diego, just released from the hospital for treatment of severe intoxication, busted for stealing an ambulance from the hospital’s parking lot.  Cops tracked him down through the vehicle’s GPS…suggest Mr. Sos might benefit from further treatment.
• To the surprise of absolutely nobody – President Barack Obama’s ceremonial “first pitch” at National’s game goes “high” and “far left.”
• Sanctions that bite?   Bite what, exactly?  U.N. looking at new “asset freezes” as it weighs another round of sanctions on Iran.  Iranian money “frozen” to date, however, as west ratchets up the pressure…43-million dollars.  Perspective? $43-million is, roughly, a quarter of what Iran earns in oil revenue in a single day…or half what Oracle CEO Larry Ellison got in his compensation package last year.  No wonder Ahmadinejad’s always amused.
• On this rock…   San Antonio woman finds St. Peter on a chunk of agate.  Says the saint’s facial image in silicate’s striping is absolutely clear and “significant.”  Goes on to quote Bible passages about stones and houses of Israel and gates of Hell and so on and so on, to back up her claim.  Somebody say, amen.  Somebody say, eBay.
• Dude, this is your captainnnzzzzz...  Pilots taking Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro – good to go.  FAA drops decades-old ban on antidepressants in the cockpit. Says risks from side effects, like food falling out of your mouth, drooling on flap position indicator, don’t pose a safety threat.  Food’s crummy anyway.
• On second thought, perhaps there was a better way:  Devastated by news that his girlfriend was dumping him and would marry another man, 19-year-old Indonesian chopped off his penis.  It gets worse.  He threw it down a well. Doctors were unable to re-attach the dismembered member because no one could find it.  The take away?  Pause, think, consider before severing one’s penis. Or at least before “disposal” in well.  Ponderous.
• Finally and at long last, the planet’s most perfect food item!  Coming April 12th to a KFC near you, the “Double Down” sandwich.  Components?  Bacon and cheese “sandwiched” between two pieces of fried chicken rather than some archaic bun.  Sound good?  You bet.  Especially to your local mortician and Society of Thoracic Surgeons chapter.
  
  

Monday: Guam is Not Sinking, But Obama Might Be...

• Motorsport: New roller-coaster debuts at Kings Dominion park near Richmond, Va.  State-of-the-art “Intimidator” honors the late NASCAR legend, Dale Earnhardt.  Fans suggest Junior might want to climb aboard, ride in coaster’s first car, as the only way, evidently, that he’s going to be able to cross a finish line in the lead.
• Hank Johnson, D-Ga., who famously worried during a House Armed Services Committee hearing last week that Guam might become overpopulated and capsize, says remark was “metaphorical”…“just a joke.”  Source explains he also had been reading “The Poseidon Adventure” as hearing reference material.  Hank now reportedly being considered as possible host of new TV game show, “Are You as Smart as a 2nd Term Congressman?”
• Good news! Ali Sibat gets to keep his head!  …For now.  Lebanese  “call-in show” host, sentenced to beheading by Saudi Islamic Court, had weekend date with scimitar guy postponed.  Sibat got snatched by Saudi religious police while visiting country for an Islamic pilgrimage…due to the nature of his show back home in Lebanon; talk, advice and predictions.  That’s “sorcery,” pal.  Off with your head!  Harsh, but effective format-change enforcement.
• When he said, “Tone it down,” unlikely President Obama was referring to his approval rating.  But that’s what he got.  Mr. Obama, who directed the comment at critics of healthcare reform last week, subsequently saw approval rating in CBS poll hit new low over the weekend; 44%.  If you’re Barack Obama and you lose CBS…you’ve lost the ballgame. 
• What a darling child!  Photograph of baby-faced teenager who blew herself up in the Moscow subway system attack, killing dozens, shows burqa-bound charmer with husband’s arm around her, a fat handgun in his fist…as “bomber-to-be” holds a slightly smaller, more “womanly” pistol aloft.  It’s good to have goals.
• Turk sets land speed record in Ferrari F430.  Yes…and?  He’s blind.  Turkish pop-singer Metin Senturk became the world’s fastest “unaccompanied blind driver” over the weekend piloting Ferrari to just over 182 mph.  Guy followed him at a closed airport radioing, “Left! Right! Left, for godssake!” etc.  Senturk broke previous Guinness “blind driver” speed record of 176 mph.  Headline here…that there was any “ blind driver speed record” to break!
• “Beyond the Cleavage”… but not the hairpiece?  Raquel Welch, at New York Barnes and Noble promoting autobiography, “Beyond the Cleavage,” gets, well, “busted.”  Too close up of a “close up” revealed the still stunning actress has a weave thing goin’ on…and book cover photograph must’ve been airbrushed at a Maaco facility.  “Can’t a girl have a couple of secrets?”  Yes.  But not a matron.
• Job opening for somebody, anybody, who can read a freakin’ thermometer.  NASA’s global temperature data described by senior fellow at Competitive Enterprise Institute as “worse than the ‘climate-gate’ data” from the scandalized University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit.  Neither NASA nor NOAA responded to requests for comment…possibly because of inability to operate a phone.

Friday: Pirates, the Pope, and Pardons

• Pirates lose minds.  Attack United States Navy.  U.S. guided missile frigate “Nicholas,” 453 feet, 4,100 tons, takes fire from three dreamers in a skiff off east African coast.  “Nicholas” takes offense.  Box Score:  Skiff on bottom of Indian Ocean.  Dreamers in custody and lucky to be breathing.  Their “Mother Ship” confiscated.  Lesson for pirates:  Pick on something your own size.  Like a canoe.  Expected to be detained at Bellvue; not Gitmo.
• Billionaire wine collector sues Christie’s:  Florida-based energy tycoon William Koch accuses world’s largest auction house of knowingly peddling counterfeit bottles of ultra high-priced wine.  Aw.  Sounds like somebody needs a hug.  And a pity party.
• Malaysian Muslims embrace modernity. Islamic court lifts “beating” sentence imposed on woman who dared have a beer.  Instead of getting backside lashed with a cane, model Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno will instead be required to perform three weeks of community service.  Heck, could do that standing on her head.  While drinking a beer.
• Saudi Muslims embrace antiquity.  Lebanese TV “advice-and-prediction” show host expected to be censored today by having head separated from torso.  Ali Sabat had traveled from Lebanon to Saudi Kingdom to attend a Muslim religious pilgrimage.  Bad move.  Saudi religious police grabbed him for “practicing sorcery and fortunetelling.”  Punishment for such?  Beheading.  And Sabat’s lawyer fears today’s the day.  Actually should’ve seen it coming.
• SeaWorld, Orlando:  Fish expo announces operational changes in the wake of February’s deadly attack on a killer whale trainer.  No trainers permitted in whale tanks now.  A not unwelcome adjustment as it means no trainers “in” whales, either.
• New York Times editors, columnists, spit pea soup; revolve heads 360 degrees:  Noted Italian exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth, says defamatory reporting about Catholic Church pedophilia problem – especially by the Times – is “prompted by the devil.”   85-year-old devil chaser says it is clear that Satan himself is driving news media’s “recent attacks on Pope.”  Might have to turn Maureen Dowd over his knee and paddle her.  Or something.   
• Global Warming update:  Barring an “about face” by nature, scientists at National Snow and Ice Data Center report that for the first time since 2001, continued Arctic Sea ice expansion will return ice pack to “normal boundaries” this year.   The circus has moved on. 
• In “week’s fun couple” developments…  Actual Headline:  “Sex-change Killer to Wed Lesbian Murderess in Jail.”  Headline appears in British tabloid (of course) “The Sun.”  Details briefly:  Male-to-female killer, Douglas Wakefield wins permission to marry killer Thelma Purchase.  Thelma suffocated disabled man to get hands on $70,000 left her in his will.  Doug, now “Tai,” stabbed his uncle 48 times with a garden fork.  They should be happy.

Thursday: Big Brother Ain't Watchin' on the Subway, and Was Tiger Right?

• So much for Cap and Trade.  Earth is cooked, regardless.”  Professor James Lovelock, one of the world’s most eminent climatologists, asserts humans “cannot save the planet.”  Only hope is that the earth will take care of itself in the face of what Lovelock says is “completely unpredictable climate change.” Advice?  “Enjoy life while you can.”  Tiger, apparently, had it right.
• You are not on candid camera.  Or anything else, for that matter.”  Good news?  New York City’s transit system has 4,300 security cameras monitoring stations and trains.  Less than good news?  Half of them don’t work.  Oh well, since 50% of cameras don’t work, perhaps you’ll meet crazed subway lunatic who only has one machete, rather than two.
• New Jersey Toll Booth Personnel to get Sensitivity Training.  So that they might refrain from behaviors like spitting on your change…calling you names Joe Biden wouldn’t employ…or simply telling you: “Have a Fatal Day.” All of which have been complaints lodged by motorists.  Etiquette class begins for these reprobates in May.
• Jesse Goes the Tiger Route.  Mr. Sandra Bullock, Jesse James, reported to have checked into Tucson, Arizona rehab that specializes in “drug, alcohol and sex addiction.”  Might want to add “flea infestation” given the partners with whom he has reportedly bumped uglies.
• What does the toad say!  What does the toad say!  British biologists report male “common toad” may be the answer to a long-sought predictor of earthquakes.  Found that male toads suddenly exhibited no interest in mating five days before an earthquake struck L’Aquila, Italy last April 6th.  Speculate the amphibians picked up on very low frequency electrical activity ahead of the event – or were confronted by some truly fugly toad chicks.
• Nicolas Sarkozy’s “image” issues:  French president described as “notoriously sensitive” about 5’5” frame.  Brought special, “height-enhancing” lectern with him to U.S…so that he would “look authoritative and statesman-like.”  Memo to President de la Republique of francaise:  It’s gonna take a helluva lot more than a jacked-up lectern to achieve your “desired effect."
• Budget Cuts Mean More Rats for New York City.  Dept. of Health and Hygiene slashes the number of pest control aides from 84 to 57.  Consequence, says city hall – more rodents.  Even at city hall. In addition to the familiar ones.  Sitting behind desks.  Pushing papers.  
• Fast Food not ‘Fast Enough’.  South Brunswick, NJ police trying to pick up the trail of impatient McDonald’s customer who crawled through Drive-Thru window, slapped employee, grabbed a Filet-O-Fish sandwich and then crawled back out Drive-Thru access with order.  Complained menu item was “taking too long…dammit!” 

Wednesday: Nuclear Bombs, Far-Flung CEOs, and Golf Carts Run Amok

• Attention Washington:  The Central Intelligence Agency, as in “CIA,” says Iran has achieved the capability of building a nuclear bomb – you know, that generate 30-million-degrees of heat and stuff? – right now.  Not years down the road. Today.  And a guy runs Iran who thinks a ghost is going to jump up out of a well and take over the planet for him if he can just drop one on somebody.  Thought you might like to know… 
• Boeing’s flight-testing program for its trouble-plagued 787 Dreamliner is behind schedule – as was the entire preceding “design-and-build” program – but company says it will still deliver the first of the planes by year’s end…even if they have to be sent to customers in kit form in wheelbarrows.  Company says delivery schedules will, by god, be met.  Not sure how well they’ll fly…but, don’t wear us out with picky details. 
• Nerd solves problem, loses mind.  Grigory Perelman, 43, unemployed, living with mom in St. Petersburg, Russia; pocket protectors in every hue of the rainbow, awarded the $1-million Millennium Prize by Clay Mathematics Institute of Cambridge, Mass. for solving the “Poincare Conjecture” that stumped mathematicians for a century. Grigory can now stump psychiatrists for another century.  He says he doesn’t want the money.
• Toyota Planning to License Prius Hybrid Technologies to Mazda.  That’s one way to eliminate a competitor.
• Commuting sucks.  Chief execs of some of the nation’s most troubled companies bailed out by the U.S. taxpayer – not exactly punching the time clock: They live too far away.  Robert Benmosche, CEO of Manhattan-based AIG lives in Florida; Michael Carpenter, head of Detroit’s GMAC lives in Connecticut; Sergio Marchionne, CEO Chrysler Group, lives in Italy.  That’s keeping your “finger on the pulse.”
• Good News for Bug-Phobes.  Half of this year’s brood of Monarch butterflies is dead.  Rough weather, hail, rain, did ‘em in.  Some entomologists believe the numbers may be even higher than that.  Significant percentage of population that hates anything that crawls, flits, squirms or leaves mucous trails, rejoices.
• Newtonian Motion and Mass Problem:  If a tractor trailer truck traveling 40 mph collides head on with a golf cart traveling 10 mph, is anything left of golf cart driver?  Or golf cart itself, for that matter?  We’re about to find out.  New city ordinance in Lyons, Kansas allows golf carts to be driven on town’s streets.  “Membership vacancies” expected soon at Lyons appropriately named, “Paradise Pastures Golf Club.” 
• Alstead, New Hampshire teen seriously injured when hit by projectile fired from potato gun.  Device made of PVC piping and used highly combustible hair spray as propellant. After being struck in face by spud while examining gun, victim rushed to hospital for peeling, boiling and “As Seen On TV” appearance for “Combo Cooker” deep fryer.”