Friday, April 16: Smelly Smarty Pants, Diplomatic Drunks, and Mayor of the Morgue

• Whoa!  Heather really does have two mommies!  British scientists create “designer embryo” containing DNA from a man and two women.  Breakthrough occurred during research to combat genetic disorders.  Opponents aghast…certain that science is on an extremely slippery slope leading directly to one hopelessly confused Frankenbabe along with the “mother” of all custody fights.
• Sure, they’re smart.  But they stink.  Students at MIT are reported to be “off-gassing” B.O. that would gag a garbage picker.  To the point that the student senate has stepped in to get money allocated for sample-size soap, deodorant, toothpaste, and mouthwash.  “Stress of finals” being blamed as odor generator.  No “final” in hygiene, obviously.
• Real “global warming.”   Volcano erupting beneath Iceland glacier punches huge hole in same, to the surprise of precisely no one.  Al Gore calls on U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change to immediately ban all of Earth’s active volcanoes citing an increased threat to planet’s glacial formations “which are already in retreat.”
• Dose of reality due for lah-dee-dah residents of New York City apartments:  May have to – horrors! –  take out their own garbage and open their own doors before long, as doormen and porters press ahead with plans to go on strike.  O’ the humanity!  This can’t be happening!
• Got a boo-boo?  Head for Florida and join the crowd from states all across the country…because so-called “Pain Clinics” are handing out oxycodone like Milk Duds.  176 “pill mills,” as clinics are described, located in south Florida alone, with blaring “Dispensing on Site!” announcements posted.  No tracking.  No policy at all to prevent immediate and multiple prescriptions.  Don’t tell the I’man.
• $300,000 dollar bar tab.  And it’s yours.  State Department needs an intervention:  Just a matter of months after President Obama told federal agencies to cut wasteful spending, message apparently didn’t reach the Department of State which ran up a liquor bill last year of – round figures – $300,000…twice as much as previous year.  Who catches the check?  Taxpayer.   U.S. foreign policy?  “Edinburgh” scotch, “Irish” whiskey, “Bombay” gin.
• Not only is there no motion to adjourn, there’s no motion – period.  The new mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee is Carl Robin Geary, offices located at the Tracy City morgue.  Mr. Geary passed away a few weeks ago, but still beat out incumbent Barbara Brook by 85 votes in election Tuesday.  Ms. Brock said while she felt she’d done a good job, voters wanted a “return to the past.”   Fine, but this is ridiculous.  Asked about her political future after losing to a dead person, Brock said, “I’ll live.”  Now that’s cold.
• Drop the serpent and slowly back away!  Rock Hill, S.C. police say an argument between two motel guests over loud music ended when one hit the other over the head with a four-foot python.  Works every time.  Tony Smith, 29, charged with assault and battery.  Remarkable fact:  First time “assault by snake” in a motel room didn’t include risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

Thursday, April 15: Out-of-Control Cars, Pop Stars, and Priests

• Nuclear Summit produces agreement involving the U.S., Canada and Mexico that will help convert fuel at Mexico’s research reactor to a lower graded unsuitable for nuclear weapons.  Headline:  Mexico actually has something other than coke. 
• Japan still seeking to get even.   Toyota introduces new Lexus SUV, the “GX 460 Surprise.”  Feature of the 460 is to whip into a “360” when driver lifts foot off accelerator, causing vehicle to unsafely spin along its roll axis like a damn bottle rocket.
• Train wreck Amy Winehouse in hospital…again:  This time to have breast implants checked after complaining of discomfort.  They’re okay.  And really, really natural looking, too.  Brief hospital stay comes as Amy works to get her Rube Goldberg life together…working on a third album and “helping” the career of goddaughter Dionne Bromfield …Shall we all bow our heads a moment, for Dionne.
• She’s baaack.  Ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer’s preferred prostitute, Ashley Dupre, does May issue “Playboy spread.” Quite literally.  Splayed out across eight pages of magazine like a denuded carp.  Spitzer not expected to be offered any similar appearance by “Playgirl” magazine as publication of naked photographs of Eliot Spitzer could violate Homeland Security Act.
• Vatican issues guide for handling of priest sex-abuse cases that requires “investigating and reporting allegations.”  Come in off of that limb, Vatican.
• Wyoming man set to capture Guinness record for becoming a pincushion.  46-year-old Ed Bruns underwent five hours of body piercings – 1,506 to be exact – to break old single-session record of 304.  Two notary publics were on hand to certify documentation required by Guinness.  Afterward, Bruns reportedly kept only one of the piercings, a small dumbbell skewered through the back of his head. Yes. Dumbbell.
• Church Abuse?  Suicidal Swedish man, calling church crisis line for help, left pretty much to his own devices when priest on other end fell asleep, began snoring.  Man reported that a few minutes into the call he had the feeling that he was talking to himself.  Might as well have been.  “In-crisis” individual reportedly has not killed himself, but clearly needs to develop more compelling story for his own well-being.
• The Toyota of implants?   U.K. issues alert to plastic surgeons after discovering breast implants manufactured in France and sold worldwide are twice as likely to “blow out” as other manufacturers’.  Devices contain an unapproved silicone and could affect some 45,000 women, who are advised to monitor their implants and seek immediate medical attention if they’re suddenly found to be at waist level.

Tuesday, April 13: Illegal Nose-Blowing, Legal Deer Sex, and Jesus is Back!

• Spike TV dumps even re-runs of Jesse James aptly titled reality show, “Jesse James is a Dead Man.”  In the series, Jesse played a death-defying daredevil doing all sorts of potentially bone-splattering stuff; cars, motorcycles, what have you.  But his “stunt” with tattooed tart?  Unsurvivable.
• Poached?  Scrambled?  I’ll just have mine "tortured," thanks.  Humane Society accuses egg producers of “rampant abuse” of hens.  Organization has video of two major egg production facilities in Iowa whose operations we won’t describe here on a family website – except to say that hens are kept in conditions you wouldn’t subject Osama Bin Laden to.  Well, maybe.  But probably not.  Bon appetite.
• Sports news:  Chicago Cubs add Wrigley Field “ambassadors” to their lineup…people whose job will be to try to make certain fans have as satisfying an experience as possible for prices like $330 for a family of four.  Given that last Cubs’ championship was 102 years ago – they also might want to try adding somebody who can play above Little League level to their lineup, to further enhance fans “satisfying Wrigley Field experience.”
• Porn:  Not just for the ‘visually unimpaired’ anymore.  Porn magazine for the blind launches; complete with “raised images” of naked – and anatomically correct – men and women.  Brainchild of Canadian Lisa Murphy who says, “The blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images.”   Hear, hear.  And attention New York Governor David Paterson.
• Another Jesus sighting!  Latest appearance of a Holy Family member shows up on bolt of cloth in Turin, Italy!  Thousands of Christian faithful already lining up to view “miracle,” and….    How’s that?  Oh.  Sorry. Never mind.
• Necrophilia, meet bestiality.  Twenty-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin elevates eccentricity to new heights.  Engages in intimacy, police say, with a “road-kill deer.”  But wait, now it gets weird:  Attorney argues that Bryan can’t be charged with bestiality because a deer that is deceased is actually no longer an animal.  Oh. That clears it up.  If upheld, dammit – no dead deer will be safe.
• You think cell-phone crackdowns are tough? Forget it.  Scottish motorist fined for blowing his nose while stopped, for godssake, in clogged, standstill traffic.  39-year-old Michael Mancini of Prestwick, Scotland says he’d even set his parking brake before honking schnozz.  No matter. Ticketed by constable because he was “not in control of his vehicle.”   Mancini, refusing to pay 97-dollar fine, sniffs, “see you in court.” 
• "Hate Man," former New York Times reporter, now colorful oddball on streets of Berkley:  Known as Mark Hawthorne when he worked for Times through the 60’s, dropped out, now tells everybody “I hate you” before beginning a conversation; wears cast-off women’s clothes and eats garbage.  Given state of company’s finances, many more Times reporters expected to be joining Hawthorne in near future.
  
  
  

Monday, April 12: Not A Good Day to Launch the "Double Down" in San Fran, and Other Meaty Tales

• San Francisco:  City By The Bay declares today, “Meatless Monday.”  Gay community charges, “hate crime.”
• Tiger... next commercial?  Stares into lens as though on intravenous Quaaludes.  Camera slowly pans down to belt level revealing Nike “Swoosh” on pants fly.  Deceased father audio, in paraphrase of famous “Just do it” slogan:  “Just had to do it, didn’t you.”  Pan back up to reveal…big ‘ol Tiger grin.
• “Double Down” countdown:  This is it!  The day that offers irrefutable proof that “There is a God.”  It’s
  April 12th, and we have “lift off!”…. of KFC’s contribution to the cardiac pacemaker industry; the already infamous cheese-drenched bacon glob slapped between two deep-fried chicken breasts that they dare call a “sandwich.”  Works for us. 
• Former employee of mega real-estate firm, The Corcoran Group, sues company…alleges firm’s CEO, Pamela Liebman, is obsessed with issues of weight, diets, gyms, fitness, and so on.  Jason Riggs complains he was harassed and mocked to the point he had to take meds and see a psychiatrist.  Riggs numbers at the time he got fired:  5’11”…310 pounds.  We report.  You decide.  
• Being worshipped is nice, but won’t pay the bills.   Young Nepalese girl whom devotees believe to be a “living goddess,” announces she wants to become a banker when she retires from the divinity thing upon reaching puberty.  “Sensible side” exceeding “sanctified side,” Chanira Bajracharya replaces Buddha with Alan Greenspan, also “infallible.”  Just ask him.
• Holistic gone Haywire.  Hey, what could possibly go wrong?  Chinese spa develops new therapy treatment:  wrap client in oil-soaked blanket, set on fire.  Spa owner Han Li says, “it only looks dangerous, but it’s harmless when done properly.”  Treatment is designed to make a person’s blood flow more evenly.  Possibly by stopping it entirely.  Forever.
• Am I dreaming?  Weekend double headline:  “Elizabeth Taylor Still Alive.”   “Elizabeth Taylor to Wed Again.”  Trillion-year-old, nearly ossified actress, is marrying husband number – we forget.  Could be number nine.  Victim identified as Janet Jackson’s new manager, 49-year-old Jason Winters.  Bride is 78 and robbing “cradle.”  Jason is 49 and robbing “mobility scooter.” 
• James Madison University actually spends research dollars to develop the following thesis:  Dating females prefer “relationships,” while males prefer “sex.”  Research “project” exposed 150 female and 71 male college students to a variety of dating scenarios in reaching forehead-slapping conclusion.  Findings published in journal, Sex Roles.  Findings not published in journal, “Mensa Bulletin.”
  
  
  
  

Wednesday: Jet Blue, Deepak Chopra, and Bunny Hunts!

• Anybody checking nuts and bolts?  JetBlue flight, enroute to Florida, aborts mission, returns to Newark Liberty base…after an engine-cover “parts company” with the rest of the aircraft. Akin to your hood abruptly flipping back over your car into the flow of following traffic.  “This is your captain.  If you look out your window to your left, you can see… never mind.”
• Nepalese Sherpa, "Apa," makes record-setting 20th ascent of Mt. Everest.  Not so much for the record, but to pick up the crap.  So many people are now able to scale Everest, including a 13-year-old kid making the ascent right now, that there is an estimated 15,400 pounds of garbage on the thing.  Mr. Apa is taking 28 people with him…to pick up after the “environmentalists” who’ve made the place look pretty much like Mogadishu with glaciers.
• White House expresses frustration with Afghan President.  Can’t imagine why.  All he’s done is undermine the American and NATO mission that’s keeping him in office; spew invective at the west generally, and say that if he gets any more criticism he may join the Taliban.  We’re about 15 minutes from Hamid Karzai planting roadside bombs. 
• The most extensive and sophisticated video surveillance system in U.S...getting even bigger.  Chicago adding scores of new cameras, including “covert” devices as small as matchboxes, to a network that already encompasses 10,000 video monitors.  And isn’t it working well.  Only 41 people were shot in the city – four killed – in one 26-hour period last week.  Progress!
• Source of U.S.-Mexico border quake pinpointed:  It’s Deepak Chopra.  Famed transcendental meditation guru apologizes for causing recent 7.2 magnitude quake.  Tells his nearly 179,000 Twitter followers that he was having a “powerful meditation” when suddenly the ground began to shake.  Tweets, “sorry about that.  Won’t do it again.”  To the vast relief of populations living along fault lines everywhere.  How about this idea?  Get over yourself.
• To hell with the eggs – let’s gather the bunnies!  Which is precisely the case “down under” in Central Otago New Zealand, where 19th annual “Great Easter Bunny Hunt” ( honest! ) spelled “paws up” for 23,064 rabbits blown away during 24-hour event.  That’s a lot of ventilated hare, but still short of the 1997 record 23,949.  What do they do for Christmas, shoot fat guys with beards?