Friday: Pirates, the Pope, and Pardons

• Pirates lose minds.  Attack United States Navy.  U.S. guided missile frigate “Nicholas,” 453 feet, 4,100 tons, takes fire from three dreamers in a skiff off east African coast.  “Nicholas” takes offense.  Box Score:  Skiff on bottom of Indian Ocean.  Dreamers in custody and lucky to be breathing.  Their “Mother Ship” confiscated.  Lesson for pirates:  Pick on something your own size.  Like a canoe.  Expected to be detained at Bellvue; not Gitmo.
• Billionaire wine collector sues Christie’s:  Florida-based energy tycoon William Koch accuses world’s largest auction house of knowingly peddling counterfeit bottles of ultra high-priced wine.  Aw.  Sounds like somebody needs a hug.  And a pity party.
• Malaysian Muslims embrace modernity. Islamic court lifts “beating” sentence imposed on woman who dared have a beer.  Instead of getting backside lashed with a cane, model Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno will instead be required to perform three weeks of community service.  Heck, could do that standing on her head.  While drinking a beer.
• Saudi Muslims embrace antiquity.  Lebanese TV “advice-and-prediction” show host expected to be censored today by having head separated from torso.  Ali Sabat had traveled from Lebanon to Saudi Kingdom to attend a Muslim religious pilgrimage.  Bad move.  Saudi religious police grabbed him for “practicing sorcery and fortunetelling.”  Punishment for such?  Beheading.  And Sabat’s lawyer fears today’s the day.  Actually should’ve seen it coming.
• SeaWorld, Orlando:  Fish expo announces operational changes in the wake of February’s deadly attack on a killer whale trainer.  No trainers permitted in whale tanks now.  A not unwelcome adjustment as it means no trainers “in” whales, either.
• New York Times editors, columnists, spit pea soup; revolve heads 360 degrees:  Noted Italian exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth, says defamatory reporting about Catholic Church pedophilia problem – especially by the Times – is “prompted by the devil.”   85-year-old devil chaser says it is clear that Satan himself is driving news media’s “recent attacks on Pope.”  Might have to turn Maureen Dowd over his knee and paddle her.  Or something.   
• Global Warming update:  Barring an “about face” by nature, scientists at National Snow and Ice Data Center report that for the first time since 2001, continued Arctic Sea ice expansion will return ice pack to “normal boundaries” this year.   The circus has moved on. 
• In “week’s fun couple” developments…  Actual Headline:  “Sex-change Killer to Wed Lesbian Murderess in Jail.”  Headline appears in British tabloid (of course) “The Sun.”  Details briefly:  Male-to-female killer, Douglas Wakefield wins permission to marry killer Thelma Purchase.  Thelma suffocated disabled man to get hands on $70,000 left her in his will.  Doug, now “Tai,” stabbed his uncle 48 times with a garden fork.  They should be happy.