June 11: Obama's Had it; ESB vs. MT; and Headache's Gone!

• had enough“Obama Ponders Quitting.”  44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, reported to be discussing with wife Michelle, “just getting the hell out of here.”  Might return to “community organizing” in Middle West.  Sources say Mr. Obama has told Rahm Emanuel, David Axlerod – “You geniuses handle all of this crap.  I’ve had it.”  Developing…
• “Tabloids Hit New Low…Publish Death Photo of Diminutive Actor.”  Death photo of the late “Diff’rent Strokes” star, Gary Coleman, splashed across front page of a zero-class tabloid, in frenzied effort to turn a dollar.  Critics ask:  “What’s next, front page ‘scratch and sniff’?”  Ponderous.
• “Empire State Building Management Headed for Hell?” Famed landmark’s officers continue, inexplicably, to refuse to illuminate building in blue and white to honor Mother Teresa on the occasion of what would have been the 100th birthday of beloved champion of India’s impoverished and ill.  Empire State accused of “leper bias,” while celebrated nun remains on fast track to Sainthood. 
• Afghanistan, Helmand province:  Taliban militants execute seven-year-old boy whom they accused of being a spy.  Child was grabbed from his home, taken to a neighboring village, put on trial and found guilty of being a government agent.  Seven years old.  Hanged in public square.  Ever hear of a “time out”?   Very difficult “winning hearts and minds” where neither appears to exist.
• “My Headache’s Gone!”  But you’re also dead.  Danish study published in the journal, “Circulation:  Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes,” suggests the “outcome” after taking some common pain medications might not be so great.  Researchers reported that taking ibuprofen – the main ingredient in Advil and Motrin – raised the risk of having a stroke.  Terrific.  Yes…“My killer medsheadache’s gone!  But food’s falling out of my mouth and I now need a trained capuchin monkey to help me zip up my pants.”
• “North Korean ICBM Missile Threat Determined to be Nonexistent.”  A South Korean rocket, scientific satellite on board, blew to smithereens 137 seconds after lift off from a space center on the country’s southern coast.  A previous attempt to orbit a similar satellite also failed, although less spectacularly.  Analysts’ conclusion:  If tech-savvy, industrial powerhouse South Korea can’t make a rocket go, what chance does North Korea have?  They’re still trying to come up with the formula for toilet paper, for godssake.  So…“Stand down the missiles.”
• “Short arm inspection!”  And, for cops in Papua, Indonesia…better not reveal any funny business.  Papua police officials frown on local “penis enlargement” tradition.  If yours is “enhanced,” forget about joining the force.  Unnatural size causes “hindrance during training.”  No kidding.  Enlargement is achieved by wrapping member’s member in the leaves of the “gatal-gatal” tree…an irritant that causes acute swelling…and…itching…like a wasp sting.  Thanks.  We’ll pass.  “Halt!  Or I’ll club you with….”     Never mind.