June 1: Bad Drivers, Bad Fads, and Bad Luck for Pit-Stops

• hell?Vatican abuse prosecutor:  “Culprits are going to Hell.”  The Rev. Charles Scicluna, Vatican prosecutor of clerical sex abuse, says perpetrators are destined for damnation in Hell.  The Christian forgiveness angle?  Ain’t happening, according to Chuck.  Jesus, your thoughts?  We’ll give you the last word.
• New York, New Jersey drivers stink, study finds:  Research by GMAC Insurance finds New York drivers are the least knowledgeable in the nation on rules of the road and New Jersey motorists are nearly as bad.  So at least now you know why the moron in front of you in the speed lane is going 50 like he’s driving the pace car at Talladega.  Read the DMV guide, idiot, and hit a bridge abutment while you’re at it.
• Bad Fad:  “Sack Tapping” groin game gaining goofs. Newest fad in schoolyard hijinx – a quick slap, or finger flick to the scrotum.  Game is out of hand according to urologists who say they are seeing an increasing number of young boys with serious damage to the testicles from a “tap” that hit too hard.  Minnesota urologist Dr. Scott Wheeler says it’s not “bullying,” friends are involved.  “It’s rare that bullies target the testicles,” says Wheeler, “they just beat up people.”   Ah, yes. The good old days.
• Today’s “Teacher Gets Kid in Sack” report comes from Orange County, California where Tustin High School “athletic trainer” Hope Jacoby, 23, has been sentenced to 3-years probation and 240 hours community service for “unlawful sexual intercourse” and “oral copulation” with a 16-year-old male student.  Offenses are felonies, but were reduced to misdemeanors, court explained, because student was a “willing participant” and was even “somewhat enthusiastic” about relationship.  Really.   Your thoughts?…
• A Treasury Secretary’s Admirable Candor:  Timothy Geithner tells interviewer he went straight from college into government policy work; did nothing, ever, in the private sector.  Admitted Geithner, “I never had a real job.”   Observers express shock, shock I say, noting how well he’s performed in current job…as U.S. debt roars past $13-trillion and still more banks go “assets up” in nation’s Midwest. 
• Bye, bye, pottiesFirst the schools, now this:  “Jersey Governor Shuts Highway Toilets to Save Money.”  Bathrooms scheduled for execution are on I-80 at the Pennsylvania border and I-295 at border with Delaware.  Governor’s transportation commissioner:  “We just don’t have the money.”  Anticipated annual savings, $270,000.  New Jersey-bound motorists are urged to ingest no liquids within 45 minutes of state line; squeeze knees together; weep.
• Your Tax Dollars at Work for Your Tax Collector:  Andover, Mass. IRS compound is getting a makeover.  $92-million makeover…to include a reflecting pool, an art gallery, indoor gardens, 7,000 square foot cafeteria and an amphitheater.  Where are they getting the money?  Need you ask?  Stimulus funds!  Architect calls the project, “visionary.”  Critics call it “confiscatory.”   We report.  You decide.

May 28: Korean Tension, Growing Debt, and How to Avoid Another Ice Age

• Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, after meting with German finance minister in Berlin, says that the U.S. and Europe are in broad agreement on “the need for reform of the financial system.”  Can’t slip anything past ol’ Tim.  Everybody chill.  We’re in good hands.
• Korean Tensions Increase Further: Communist North says it is ripping up all agreements with South Korea.  The notice, carried by Pyongyang’s official news agency, says isolated country is completely repealing measures related to North-South “cooperation exchange.”  Among other things, declaration is interpreted to mean immediate cessation of North’s principle export products…dirt, rocks, those flip-flops made out of old tires and stuff that washes up on the beach.
• Toyota.  “Oh what a feeling!”  Or, “no feeling at all.”  National Highway Traffic Safety Administration now estimates at least 89 people have taken their last ride, ever, in runaway Toyota vehicles.  Company reiterates it’s making “an all-out effort” to ensure its vehicles are safe.   Independent experts suggest company perhaps consider straightforward safety step of blowing up vehicles as they exit assembly line.
• Federal Debt His $13-Trillion:  U.S. government has gone deeper into the red this year alone by a stunning $1.4-trillion. President has appointed a commission to come up with ways to try to trim some $230-billion in spending by 2015.  As first step, commission members are expected to recommend that all senior officials of the administration, Mr. Obama included, be tied up and incarcerated in the basement of the White House for the remainder of his term.
• French Borrow Page from Greek Playbook: Apathetic, inert citizenry staging nationwide strikes whining about tapped out government’s plans to raise France’s retirement age beyond 60…and alter nation’s present structure based on the Greek economic model:  “Bring me another Ouzo and you pick up the check.”
• Where we find ourselves today, in the regime of climate change science: Research published in the journal, “Nature Geoscience,” suggests ancient humans hunted giant wooly mammoths and mastodons to extinction some 13,000 years ago…causing a massive depletion in atmospheric methane from mastodon/mammoth flatulence that, in turn, produced an ice age.  Ergo, to prevent catastrophic climate change, begin ripping some mammoth farts.  Your planet needs you.
• Disgraced ex-congressman Vito Fossella of New York opts out of a run for his old Staten Island seat – lost when he got a DUI that then led to the revelation that he had a mistress and an out-of-wedlock daughter.  Fossella says he won’t run again because he’s “enjoying the private sector.”  Will now have more time to spend with family – just has to decide which one.

May 27: Transgendered Bushes, Global Warming Update, and Don't Hold Your Breath...No, Really, Don't

• actual Laura Bush“You’re out of uniform, Mister!” And that’s a problem for a pre-op transgender Navy veteran in Virginia Beach:  Larry Bush wants to continue serving local VFW as “Laura” Bush and be permitted to wear women’s clothes to meetings.  Post Commander Joe Brady says Larry is absolutely welcome as always, but insists (apologies to The Godfather) that he …dress like a MAN!  As of Wednesday, matter remained unresolved among Joe, Larry and Laura who showed up for most recent meeting looking very “Naval” in blue blazer, woman’s necktie, gray skirt, lipstick and pumps.   
• Global…what?   Headlines from midweek:  “Cold Temps Keep Sierra Snowpack at 167% of Normal.” “Utah: Latest Spring Snow Ever Recorded.”  “Record Low of 32 Degrees Set at Spokane.”  And finally, from New York Times – “Fears Turn to Doubts About Global Warming.”    Hello, Al?   …Al?    …Green Earth to Al?
• Unintended consequences:  Illinois officials lace a 2.5-mile stretch of the Little Calumet River with Rotenone, a heavy-duty poison, in the fight against the dreaded Asian carp.  Poison worked dramatically.  Killed 100,000 pounds of fish.  Everything but Asian carp.  Not one.  And there is no plan B.  Other than to call Janet Napolitano, Ken Salazar and Admiral Thad Allen.  That’ll work.
• “This is OnStar Emergency Alert.  We have a report of an idiot at the wheel.”  Four upstate New York teenagers who tried to hold their breath for the time required for their car to travel a third of a mile were hurt when the driver passed out…and drove into a boulder.   Unconfirmed report youngster at controls was named, “Beavis.”
• About those supplements you’re taking… New York Times reports a congressional probe of herbal supplements turned up lead, mercury and other heavy metals in some products.  16 of 40 supplements tested contained pesticides.  And 9 products made claims that were “patently bogus.”  About like congressional investigations themselves, come to think of it.  Never mind.
• “Vienna Tops ‘Quality of Living’ List.”  Austrian city ranked number one “best place to live” among 221 locations graded by global consultancy, Mercer.  Baghdad, Iraq ranked dead last. Number 221.  Mogadishu residents rejoice.
• “Chicago Couple up for Housekeeping Award.”  For single worst house on planet.  Couple were rescued from their South Side residence in which they had literally become buried to the point of being immobilized in their own trash.  Man and woman actually had to be hospitalized after they were dug out, because they’d been stuck so long beneath several FEET of god-knows-what.   A “cautionary tale” for Fox Business News’ Dagen McDowell?  this guy is insanePerhaps…
• Joe Biden’s Brussels Spout.  Obama administration’s gaffe machine blows hole in American Exceptionalism concept…declares in speech to European Parliament that Brussels, Belgium has better claim to title “capital of the free world” than does Washington D.C.   Expected to be asked to prove legal U.S. residency, show papers, on arrival back at Andrews Air Force Base.

May 26: Gold in Strange Places; A Man Gets Stuck in a Sausage; and Solving California's Fiscal Woes

• “Insurgent violence” isn’t the only kind going on in Iraq.  Iraqi police say armed robberies of gold shops in Baghdad have left 15 people dead.  Headline:  Baghdad, Iraq has gold shops.  Who knew?? 
• Toyota suspends sales of Lexus LS Sedans this time...because of a niggling little problem involving, you know, “steering.”  Unhappily, the LS front wheels sometimes have a problem returning to the center position after you turn the doggone thing.  I know, I know.  “Nitpicking.”  Sales are expected to resume in about a month…unless something else pops up.  Like unanticipated spontaneous combustion of driver’s seat or something…
• Jesse James tells ABC’s “Nightline” he believes he is a shoo-in for the distinction of “most hated man in the world” for cheating on Sandra Bullock.  British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward expected to formally challenge James for title before the week’s out.  
• The Check’s In The Mail.  Unfortunately, The Mail’s In The Shed.  And former postal worker Earl Hicks may soon be in the can.  Hicks’ sister discovered thousands of pieces of mail Earl was supposed to deliver in Detroit and Oak Park, Michigan stashed in a shed behind his house – and she threw him under the postal truck; turned him in.  Hicks says he just got overwhelmed. Couldn’t take it.  All that mail and none of it was for him.  Screw it.  Ditched deliveries and is now looking at a mail theft rap.
• No, you really don’t want to watch the sausage being made.  Particularly when there’s a guy inside the sausage seasoning machine.  Which is what happened to maintenance man at DiLuigi Sausage Co. in Danvers, Mass.  Somehow, the machine activated while he was cleaning the thing and it sucked him in.  He’ll survive, but is expected to taste, smell like Jimmy Dean for months.
• Airlines in Major Policy Shift: No longer will “nickel-and-dime” you to death.  Will now “dollar-and-dime” you to death, instead.  Five largest U.S. carriers, American, Continental, Delta, United and US Airways, slap $10 to $30 surcharges on top of  “published” fares for entire peak summer travel period…for the privilege of being able to experience, first-hand, end-of-life conditions of sardines in aluminum containers.
• California Budget Crisis About to be Solved.  Experts say a devastating “mega-earthquake” off the coast of California is now considered twice as likely as previously predicted…and would be accompanied by a massive tsunami.  Population centers could slide into ocean…completely eliminating requirements for expensive city services…and dramatically reducing state’s crippling deficit.  Developing…   
  
  
  

May 25: Blooomie's Brave Apology; Healthy Sprouts; and Where's the Baby?

• Texan, pundit and former ABC correspondent Sam Donaldson shows compassionate side:  Expresses solidarity with region hit by Gulf oil spill.  Famous “Donaldson comb over” now mirrors general shape of BP oil slick. Observers suggest he complete image by sticking a small, hand-lettered sign in hair for next ABC “This Week” appearance reading simply:   “Send Help.”
• Connecticut A.G. and senate candidate Richard Blumenthal apologizes for misrepresenting his military record stating he served in Vietnam when, in fact, he might have difficulty finding it on a map.  Apology?  Sends an email to the paper.  No, you read that right.  Sent an email to the Hartford Courant.  That’s it.  Courage under fire.
• Health News:  Experts tout alfalfa sprout contents; calcium, folic acid, magnesium, potassium, zinc and others.  High concentration of so many compounds makes the plant highly nutritive.  Unfortunately, alfalfa sprouts can also make you wish you were dead…such as sprouts from Caldwell Fresh Foods of Maywood, California now recalled for salmonella contamination.  Ever had salmonella poisoning?  You’ll rue the day you swore off pork rinds.
• Today’s “Teacher Molests Pupil” story comes from Mundelein, Illinois where West Oak Middle School’s Nicole Jacobsen, 39, is charged with aggravated sexual abuse of 14-year-old boy.  Victim’s older brother discovered a text message from Jacobsen on kid brother’s Facebook page and took a printout to school officials…resulting in Ms. Jacobsen’s arrest…and younger brother never, ever speaking to older brother again.  Ever.
• Let’s see…Snickers Bar, Cheetos, bag of beef jerky and a 10-gram gold bar. Where would they install vending machines that dispense pure gold?  Dubai, of course.  Precious metals vending machines going into hotels that cater to gazillionaires who sip cappuccinos sprinkled with gold flakes.  Computer system updates the gold price every 10 minutes to match international markets.  How convenient.  Especially for guests from Darfur, Haiti.
• Joyful Joyful We Shall Freeze Thee… Not what Jesus had in mind:  Alabama evangelist Anthony Hopkins, 39, preached at revivals, authorities say, that wife was unable to attend.  Largely because she was home, in freezer, and unable to be “revived.”  Pastor Hopkins will now spend life, plus 51 years, for storing Mrs. Hopkins in freezer after killing her back in 2004. 
• Briton Robert Dee sues London’s Daily Telegraph for labeling him the “world’s worst tennis pro,” following 54 consecutive international tour losses.  Persuaded by Dee’s record of defeats, judge tossed the suit…inspiring victorious Telegraph to title its story on the court’s decision, “World’s Worst Tennis Player Loses Again.”   Cold.
• “Doctors, I can’t find a heartbeat!”  Well, no.  Two North Carolina surgeons receive “letters of concern” after performing a C-section on a woman who was not pregnant.   Authorities say they’d relied on an intern’s “confused diagnosis” and followed an ultrasound that failed to detect a fetal heartbeat.   Wait, North Carolina??  John Edwards likely already on the case.