August 2: Prince Charles to the Rescue; Snooki Arrested; Manure Money

• Planet Can Relax. Prince of Wales is On The Case.  In new documentary due out in November, Prince Charles reveals he has been placed in our midst as future King for a single purpose – to save the world.  Noble, if a bit pretentious goal, clearly eluding his majesty so far…given persistence of such planetary indignations as Tony Hayward, Lady Gaga, Hamid Karzai, Charlie Rangel and, yes, Camilla Parker Bowles.  
• Al beats lip-lock, ‘rub-down-there,’ hump rap! Former Vice President will not face prosecution on hotel masseuse’s sexual assault allegation.  Police in Portland say it’s all good – Molly Haggerty’s story of Nobel Prize winner being all over her like a satyric Chihuahua is “insufficient to support a criminal charge.”  Will return full attention to Global Warming rant, while laying down his own carbon footprint the size of the B.P. oil spill.
• Tokyo’s Oldest Man, Dead.  In fact, really, really dead.  When Tokyo officials went to Sogen Kato’s residence to congratulate him on the occasion of his 111th birthday, they found him lying in bed – mummified.  Figure he’d passed on probably 30 years ago.  Mr. Kato’s relatives told curious police that he had confined himself to his room all those years back and “became a living Buddha.”  Cancel that “living” part.  Along with the cake.
• Snooki Upholds ‘Joisey Shore’ paradigm.  Arrested for “disorderly conduct” by Seaside Heights cops who say she gave them a hard time after she’d allegedly been throwing back “Long Island Ice Tea” and shots of tequila in various bars.  Reportedly found her “wobbling, on her knees, unable to stand”…and possibly considering changing her name to “Snockered” after checking term’s definition:  “To drink until vision and sight are impaired and all feeling has left one’s body resulting in stupid activities.”  Urban Dictionary.  Bingo.
• Why Didn’t Toyota Think of This? Nissan announces its new cars will pump Vitamin C into the vehicle to moisturize occupants’ skin. Vehicles will be equipped with Plasmacluster Ions – developed by Sharp – that will naturally moisturize…reduce airborne bacteria and mold, deactivate airborne allergens, and control odors. Company says system will detect various offensive smells such as from, you know, pets – and will automatically switch on when necessary. Another instance of not having to say… “It was the dog.”
• You know how “sure-footed” mountain goats are?  Not in every instance.  Actual headline:  “Falling Goat Knocks Hiker Off Mountain in 50 Foot Fall.”  59-year-old Austrian, Walter Kaiser, had to be rescued by helicopter after getting knocked off the side of Hochkesslekopf Mountain by a goat that fell on him.  Animal was described as unhurt and able to scamper away.  Kaiser sustained minor injuries, and will be ordering a treadmill.
• Two Colorado firms cashing in on plan to turn manure into money:  JBS Five Rivers Cattle and Harsh International Inc. plan system to turn feedlot manure into energy.  79-year old Andy Brown of Harsh International says, “This is the most exciting thing I’ve been involved with in my career.”  Dreamily hoping to turn cow flaps into cash.  It’s been a long life for Andy – and a lonely one.