The I-Man's Blog: Masturbator Hater

A lot of people are in trouble.  Moral peril.  Almost certainly including you and the rest of the estimated 90% of males who masturbate – and the 10% who are liars – who all unwittingly sin. 

Those percentages represent an accepted, scientific, “statistical analysis consensus” about the total male population, single and married, that engages in masturbation, frequent or occasional.  In fact, according to the same research, well over 60% of females are at moral risk because they “indulge” as well. Given the size of the United States population – nearly 310 million – that’s an “Eddie Long load” of self-gratification going on out there. 

Frankly, I’m sickened.  Now all I can think about when I meet somebody in the hallway or a social situation of any kind – and every time I encounter another male – is that this individual has very possibly just loped his mule…and now wants to shake my hand.  Or slap me on the shoulder or whatever.  Keep your stinking, mule-loping hands off of me.  Of course, my own hands are mule lopers as well, at least “statistically,” so lets just both keep our hands to ourselves.

I didn’t ask to have to think about “population masturbation,” but I got forced into it when Christine O’Donnell won the GOP senate primary in Delaware.  Now, I can’t get it out of my mind because Ms. O’Donnell is both a “big deal” and a “sexual purity” person.

Part of her “sex purist platform” is that she doesn’t want anybody to masturbate. That’s a tall order given that 9 in 10 men and 6 in 10 women are already practitioners, according to science. One of Ms. O’Donnell’s sex positions is that adultery is bad.  I agree.  After all, it is proscribed by God Himself in the seventh and tenth of the Ten Commandments.

Here’s the difficulty:  Christine says, and accurately I think, that lust and adultery are inseparable.  Further, she points out that when you have a masturbatory experience you inevitably create “lust images” in your mind.  So, if lust and adultery are inseparable, then mule-loping, or “slapping Barbie” if you’re female, constitutes adultery…just without the dinner and “hold me” obligations.  Also, if you “self-pleasure,” then you blow right through Bible Commandments seven and ten; the former being the specific prohibition against adultery, the latter being the one that says don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, his ox, his ass, or what have you.

The conflict is obvious:  If you commit the real thing, classic adultery, that’s bad and the consequences are awful.  See, “John Edwards.”  But if you opt for masturbation as a means of not committing adultery – you’re still committing adultery.  At least in the interpretation of candidate O’Donnell.
The conflict for Ms. O’Donnell’s senate aspirations is equally clear:  If she wants to win, she’s going to have to modify her masturbation stance or – according to the statistics – risk alienating nearly 100% of the electorate.

Perhaps she could say something along the lines of a familiar, although admittedly unsatisfying, political straddle:  “Actually, I was for mule-loping, before I was against it.”