Wednesday's Headlines

• Oh dear.  Despite near daily embarrassment over science that’s not even up to “Mr. Wizard” standards, new U.N. study actually urges countries to significantly increase their pledges to cut greenhouse gas emissions to prevent a global warming catastrophe.  If global warming could “prevent” the U.N. – go for it.

• Tiger’s in the deep rough:  Results of a new Rasmussen poll on our “Lothario of the links” – just 41% bought the robo-apology, and Mr. Wood’s “favorability factor” has sunk to 36%.  Wait a minute:  That means he could run for President…he’s only 3 points behind Obama!

• “How’s that ‘bailout/stimulus’ jive workin’ for ya?”  New report from the FDIC says nearly one in every eleven banks in the country is now at risk of bellying up.  Is your bank on the list?  You’ll never know.  Names are kept secret out of fear that you, and everybody else, will show up at the teller’s cage with a bag and a Jerry Maguire attitude.

• Can this marriage be saved?  We report, you decide:  Nathan Lewis of Lewiston, Idaho, busted twice on his wedding night.  First, for getting wasted at the reception and punching his new bride…and then, after cops released him, for smacking her again when the couple got home.   Short answer, “no.”

• “Nannyism” gone mad:  For godssake, enough, already.  Devonwood, England recruitment center worker, Nicole Mamo, told to kill ad proposal seeking “reliable workers” because it could be deemed as discriminating against “unreliable” persons and might result in legal action.  So help me god.  “Good for nothing slobs apply within.” Thank you.

• “Urp bags, bed pans, with our compliments.”  350 guests having a great time, wish-you-were-here voyage with Celebrity Cruise lines on the good ship “Mercury.”  Left Charleston, S.C. Monday night and were doing the dancin’ drizzles and ralph-at-the-rail “lunch launch” within a matter of hours.  What time’s the limbo contest? 

• New Delhi:  Pankaj Karotia was just about to take his new bride and head home from the couple’s wedding reception when his uncle pulled a pistol, fired it in celebration of the joyous event and plugged Pankaj.  In the head.  As in, “I guess we could’ve ordered a smaller cake.”  So, can this marriage be sav…   never mind.

• Morbidly obese Romanian gives birth:  Victoria Lacatus of Bucharest says 6.4-pound girl is the “fruit of the love between me and my future husband.”  Which, at 528 pounds, now minus 6.4, has gotta be as close to fruit as Victoria has ever been in her life…unless, of course, “fruit” referred to “banana” cream pie.