Thursday's headlines

•  “Deflation of a fat cat”  Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel.  The accusations:  Violates state and local laws using rent-stabilized apartment as a campaign office; uses congressional stationery to solicit funds for personal foundation; fails to disclose income from Caribbean villa rental in tax filings; fails to pay interest on mortgage for 10 years; uses House garage to store Benz; takes Caribbean trips on corporate dimes.  Oh, picky, picky, picky.
• “Bomb a bus, go to Hell.”   British imam, Sheikh Tahir ul-Qadri, described as one of Islam’s most prominent theologians, issues tough, zero tolerance fatwa against terrorism.  No, really.  Goes so far as to say terrorist acts are  “kufr,” acts of  “disbelief,” and will instantly condemn those who perpetrate them to Hell.  No comment, yet, from Osama Bin Laden to the sudden revelation that he’s headed for Hell like he was on a luge ride.
• “It’s a small world after allll…”   Kid gets the mic’ in JFK Airport Tower.  Controller dad lets grade schooler briefly takeover departure control communications.  Sounds cute?  FAA not persuaded.  It’s a freaking control tower.  Not “Chucky Cheese.”
• “Forget church, just get me to ‘Delivery Room’ on time.”   Now this is cutting it close:  Ohio bride Jamie Phillips went into labor while her dad was walking her down the aisle.  Made it through hastily abbreviated ceremony – made it to hospital – mom and now legitimate baby boy are fine.  ‘Didn’t even have to break out the shotgun.
• New Jersey Nets offer incentive program to anybody who has no life whatsoever and agrees to go see them lose again.  Dreadful team has entered into an agreement with Roni Deutch Tax Center.  Go see the Nets lose to Orlando Friday night…get a coupon for a free state tax return preparation.  Next, sexual favors.
• Richmond, Virginia:  Hundreds gather at the state capitol protesting proposed public school budget cuts.  Speakers complain cuts will lead to bigger classes, teacher layoffs, poor equipment…and indecipherable signs.  Demonstrators carried placards saying, “Cuts hurt kids,” fairly clever, and, “You can’t spell ‘governor’ without ‘teacher’.”  Free tickets to a Nets game if you can figure out what the hell that one’s driving at.
•  U.S. Labor Dept. holds town meeting in Ronkonkoma, NY to identify workers who might have been exposed to radiation from 1947 through 1979 at Brookhaven National Laboratory in Upton.  89 people have already filed claims, filling out the required paperwork with any one of the five to eight arms each now has available.
• Judge in Humboldt, Tennessee says jurors will be able to hear statements, made prior to his arrest, by a man accused of killing his mother.  Investigators say the suspect admitted severing mom’s head with a power saw, but never admitted killing her.  Oh. That’s clear.  And the difference, there, would be?  Your witness, counselor.