May 24: Suicidal Pilots, Jesus on the Beach, and A Correction

• Alive!  It’s alive!  It’s alive! -Gene Wilder, 1974. And also, it appears, Craig Venter, 2010, genomics pioneer, who has just announced that scientists at his laboratories in Maryland and California have succeeded in a 15-year project to turn inanimate chemicals into a living organism – thus, simultaneously, playing God, Dr. Frankenstein and  Mel Brooks.
• Welcome aboard Jet Blue’s flight to my girlfriend’s house.  Pilot yanked from scheduled flight at Boston’s Logan airport after allegedly sending a text to his girlfriend threatening to end his life “in spectacular fashion” if they didn’t reconcile their relationship.  She called the cops.  They took him to a hospital for – as they say – “evaluation.”  How do you post that delay – “Pilot Freaked”?
• BP ordered to find a less toxic dispersant for use on oil spill. Easy. GTC green cleaning products.  They clean better than any of the toxic junk.  They absolutely won’t kill the turtles…or anything else.  And every last dime goes to the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer.   No brainer.
• A trifle on the messy side, but effective. Taliban in Pakistan introduce new capital punishment method.  Strap explosives to two men accused of being in cahoots with U.S., and blow them up.  Townsfolk say this is a new one.  Militants have killed hundreds whom they said were spies over the past few years, but usually just, you know, decapitate or shoot them.  Residents say this is the first time anybody knows of that Taliban has blown folks up.  Also suspect it won’t be the last.
• What Would Jesus Probably Not Do? What Travis Emmett Wiley did do, police say, in St. Pete Beach, Florida.  Mr. Wiley, according to officers, went up to a woman sunbathing face-down on the beach, announced, “I’m Jesus,” and told her he was going to have sex with her and could, thank you, because he had “created her.”  Wrong on all counts, as police doubtless carefully explained to him as they “marched him to Pilate” and charged him with sexual battery.
• Hey…you gotta better idea?  Carl Fuermann of Boulder, Colorado is offering to stop the BP Gulf oil gusher if he can get enough people together to “visualize the leaks” and then meditate intensely demanding that they stop.  Is it any nuttier than chunks of tires and golf balls?
• Michelle Thomas, of Hudson, Texas, apparently does not fall into the 63% of married women recently polled who say they’d rather, sleep, read or watch a movie than have sex with their husbands.  Michelle stabbed hers with a pair of scissors, police say, for failing to “satisfy” her.  On second thought, maybe she would rather read a book. 
• Correction:  In Friday’s headlines, 5/21/10, we reported that a man had offered to trade his 3-month-old daughter for two forty-ounce bottles of beer at a Chicopee, Mass. convenience store.  Police say it wasn’t for beer, it was for crack.  We regret the error.

May 21: Zionists, Forties, and A Shooting at the Chicken Hut

• Mexico’s President Calderon lectures U.S. Congress, while on Capitol Hill, about Arizona immigration law that he calls, “a violation of human rights.”  However, under Mexican law that Calderon embraces, first time immigration offenders up to two years in prison, second time offenders, ten years.  He’s lecturing U.S.?  Suggestion:  Shut up.
• Ahmadinejad’s guy:  “Zionists will have no longer than week to live!”  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s chief of staff, Esfandiar Rahim Mashaei, warns if Israel tries any funny business, Islamic Republic will vaporize the place “in less than 10 days.”  Adds, for good measure, “Annihilation of Israel should be a global goal.”  Hey, Esfandiar, maybe you really ought’a hit the de-caf…
• Viagra Associated with Hearing Loss. Research published this week in “Archives of Otolaryngology Head and Neck Surgery” reveals link between long-term hearing loss and Viagra use.  However, by inducing deafness, medication is now described as relieving two relationship problems at once – erectile dysfunction and nagging.
• Balloon Boy’s Balloon Back. The Laramie County Colorado sheriff’s office reports Richard and Mayumi Heene have retrieved the balloon they used to dupe the country with their kid.  Thank goodness it’s back home now, so Richard can resume his meteorological observations that so many across the global scientific community were relying on – especially at the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit that depended on Richard’s data to support their conclusions on “anthropogenic global warming.”  Thanks for your service, Dick.  Best to the kid. 
• When you absolutely know that you positively have had enough. Police in Glenville, Pa. say a Maryland man was so hammered when he veered his pickup into a central Pennsylvania field that he nearly hit a herd of cows, then almost let his truck run him down after he bailed from the thing … and wound up having to be carried in the bucket attachment of a farmer’s tractor to a waiting patrol car because he couldn’t walk.  Breathalyzer results not reported…but probably could have peeled paint.
• Northampton, Massachusetts: Matthew Brace apparently has quite a thirst.  Police say the 24-year-old tried to exchange his baby girl for a couple of beers this week.  Went into a convenience store, cops report, offered up the baby to a maintenance man saying, “For two 40’s you can have her.”  Maintenance man called police, and that was that.  Brace charged with reckless endangerment. Child’s with state welfare officials. Hey, a case, maybe.  But a couple of 40’s?  Nah.
• Tough Crowd at North Tulsa Chicken Joint. Second shooting at “The Chicken Hut” on Tulsa’s East Apache Street in less than three months…and police say not only did none of about 100 people there call 911 when it happened…a lot of them stepped over the dead guy’s body to get their orders from the takeout windows.  Now that’s cold.  Chicken was nice and hot, though…
  
  
  
   
  

May 20: Balls, Brews, and Beat-downs

• "oil balls" (not what you were thinking, huh?)Source of Key West Oil Balls Unknown.  Coast Guard rules out connection to Deepwater Horizon oil spill incident.  While source is still a mystery, spokesman says “oily balls” on beach suggests possible link to Key West’s large gay community in some way.  Investigation remains active.
• Obama administration officials to undergo remedial reading training? First, the nation’s top law enforcement official, attorney general Eric Holder, admitted he had not read Arizona immigration law he is criticizing.  Now, nation’s top Homeland Security official, Secretary Janet Napolitano – a former Arizona Governor – says she hasn’t read the law either, but is critical of it regardless.   Consistency can, in and of itself, be a virtue.
• Top environmental scientist flips thermometer: Western Washington University geologist, Dr. Don Easterbrook, author of more than 150 peer-reviewed papers, says decades of records indicate Earth is on the threshold of a double cycle of global cooling – from present to 2030, then again, 2060 to 2090.  Cautions global cooling is even more detrimental to humans than global warming.  News has particularly “chilling” effect on Al Gore bank account.
• Nine more students injured in yet another China school assault! Second attack in which assailants used meat cleavers as weapons, causes authorities to consider possibility of a pack of deranged chefs who have suffered violent reaction to seasoning additive monosodium glutamate.
• Saudi Woman Goes All Spider Monkey on Virtue Cop. When a Saudi “religious policeman” demanded a couple state their relationship to one another…the woman reportedly became enraged and pummeled the officer to the point he had to be hospitalized.  Saudi law prohibits women from socializing with unrelated men…but apparently not from beating one of them to a pulp when woman in question finally has had enough of the b.s.
• Wait, what??  Obama Signs Press Freedom Act, Then Refuses to Take Questions From Press. President signed into law “Daniel Pearl Press Freedom Act” this week, expanding State Department’s human rights reports to include more information about attacks on journalists.  Problem?  No questions allowed.  White House’s “press wranglers” aggressively herded reporters out of the room.  Likely not what Danny Pearl was thinking about.
• Congress finally gets priorities straight; passes beer resolution. While most of Washington was focused on Tuesday’s election results – House was busy passing H.R. 1297 supporting “the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week.”  Bill highlights the “valuable role” played by small and independent craft brewers…and now moves on to the “While Rome Burned” committee.
• Going "postal" in Poland…where police arrest a man who pulled a series of robberies by climbing into large parcel boxes addressed to various businesses and mailing himself.  Once delivered, thief climbed out at night and burgled the joint.  Got away by the same method; addressed box to his Warsaw home before climbing inside with his loot.  Genius.  Until he got into a feud with an accomplice who ratted him out.   Snail mail  –  Jail. 

May 19: TARP, Sausages, and the Price of Going to Mars

• President takes administration’s Economic Policy Promotion to swing state Ohio…tours pipe-manufacturing firm in Youngstown. Explained he wanted to visit with workers who actually make the implements with which he’s hitting the nation over the head.
• Indonesian rainforest yields more new species:  Among remote area’s most unusual – a male tree frog whose bulbous nose inflates when calling females. Creature may share some ancient DNA connection to mammals, scientists say, citing physical and behavioral similarities to Bill Clinton. 
• Assault on K Street: Protesters hit the heart of Washington’s lobbying district to vent over Wall Street practices that they say led to the recession.  Among their demands, that leftover TARP money be put into community banks that could then lend the money to small businesses…thus establishing the K Street protesters as a shoo-in for new Guinness record in “Naiveté” category.
• “Don’t ‘tase’ me, bro…”   Two women, unhappy with their Wendy’s drive-thru order, snap in Daytona Beach, Florida:  Leap from car, run screaming inside and threaten to stun-gun everybody in the joint because they didn’t get the packets of condiments they requested. When we say “extra ketchup,” we mean “extra ketchup,” dammit!
• Coalition of major food manufacturers vows to cut one-trillion calories by the end of next year by providing healthier options, portion sizes and reducing calorie content of existing products.  16-member Healthy Weight Foundation includes such giants as General Mills, Kraft and Coca-Cola.  Spokesman says program will be able to quickly cut its first few million calories just by making a couple of minor adjustments in the menu of Chaz Bono.
• Infamous SeaWorld Whale Fathers Two Calves. Tillikum, the six-ton killer whale involved in a SeaWorld fatality earlier this year, has mated with and impregnated two of the park’s female Orcas.  Taima is due next month and Katina is due in October.  SeaWorld is now looking for depressed humans – hopefully suicidal – to jump into Orca enclosure and be eaten by 400-pound Orca infants when they arrive.
• Heart Health:  Fresh research findings, published in journal, “Circulation,” warn risk of heart disease, diabetes, goes up significantly with “sausage intake.”  Implications unclear for Linda Lovelace, Monica Lewinsky.
• NASA suggests yet another method for setting fire to tax revenue:  Space agency says now that robots have found signs Mars once held water, it’s time for remote vehicles to bring back rocks from the planet so scientists can look them over for any evidence of life, past or present.  Estimated mission cost?  $10,000,000,000.   Wait a minute.  That’s $6.7 billion less than Goldman Sachs put aside for compensation during the first nine months of 2009!  Never mind.  Mars or bust!
  
  
  
  

May 18: Bye Bye McGwire, Counting Dogs, and Bra Contests

• Study: Global Warming Could Wipe Out All Lizards.  Team of biologists from UCLA says if current climate trends aren’t reversed, all lizard species face extinction.  Sobering news for Goldman Sachs executives, top echelon management at Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac; all members of Capitol Hill banking/finance committees; BP’s CEO.  Oh, and Matt Lauer. 
• Sports: Mark McGwire Highway becoming history. Stretch of I-70 had been named in honor of McGwire after his 70-home-run season in 1998.  Bill now on Governor’s desk cancels name of  “performance-enhanced” star…while campaign opens to move “McGwire identification” to another stretch of Missouri roadway; St Louis’ Maryville Centre Drive, location of Pfizer Pharmaceuticals’ Research and Development labs.
• Are You Smarter than an Australian Shepherd? Los Alamos, Cal. dog, “Sydnee,” barks from one to ten…any number…forward or backward…randomly called out by owner Maxine Davis.  Already under consideration by Obama administration as possible replacement for way-too-weird Director of Office of Management and Budget, Peter Orszag.
• More utterly useless information: Hard on the heels of research showing nutritional supplements may either help prevent cancer or cause cancer, this: 10-year study by World Health Organization’s Agency for Research on Cancer – the payoff regarding cell phones and brain cancer.  The envelope please?  Agency’s director, Christopher Wild announces, “The results really don’t allow us to conclude that there is any risk associated with mobile phone use, but…it is also premature to say that there is no risk associated with it.”  Shoot me.
• Perhaps why Comedy Central caved?  Iraqi police say assailants wearing Iraqi military uniforms beheaded a Sunni cleric who’d spoken against al-Qaida, and displayed his head atop an electricity pole in the town where he preached.   All righty, then.  No problem.  Message received.  We’re good…
• The Lord helps those who help themselves.  Well, yes and no.  Police in Georgia nail two thieves who they say had broken into no fewer than nine churches and “helped themselves” to $100,000 worth of musical equipment.  Suspects?  Deshawan Thomas and Rico Blackshear, both 28, and both locally well-known gospel singers.   Everybody now, “Shallll We Get Sent Up the Riiiiiver….”
• Indian Home State Minister, Tako Dabi, known for advancing novel ideas...suggests New Delhi establish a regiment of eunuchs to guard nation’s leading politicians citing eunuchs “loyalty and integrity.”  Suggestion is controversial as skeptics wonder – with apologies to The Godfather – whether a regiment of guards who have been shorn of their testicles would still be able to…“act like a MAN!!”
• Guangzhou, China:  Mall stages stunt in which competitors were invited to see how quickly they could unhook women’s bras, one hand.  Anyone who could do eight in under a minute got shopping voucher.  Shoppers who were not amused – but still watched -- said event was the “brainwave of a dirty old man.”  Organizer argued it was merely a means of “promoting underwear awareness.”  Exactly.  A public service.  Science for the greater good.  Noble.