May 19: TARP, Sausages, and the Price of Going to Mars

• President takes administration’s Economic Policy Promotion to swing state Ohio…tours pipe-manufacturing firm in Youngstown. Explained he wanted to visit with workers who actually make the implements with which he’s hitting the nation over the head.
• Indonesian rainforest yields more new species:  Among remote area’s most unusual – a male tree frog whose bulbous nose inflates when calling females. Creature may share some ancient DNA connection to mammals, scientists say, citing physical and behavioral similarities to Bill Clinton. 
• Assault on K Street: Protesters hit the heart of Washington’s lobbying district to vent over Wall Street practices that they say led to the recession.  Among their demands, that leftover TARP money be put into community banks that could then lend the money to small businesses…thus establishing the K Street protesters as a shoo-in for new Guinness record in “Naiveté” category.
• “Don’t ‘tase’ me, bro…”   Two women, unhappy with their Wendy’s drive-thru order, snap in Daytona Beach, Florida:  Leap from car, run screaming inside and threaten to stun-gun everybody in the joint because they didn’t get the packets of condiments they requested. When we say “extra ketchup,” we mean “extra ketchup,” dammit!
• Coalition of major food manufacturers vows to cut one-trillion calories by the end of next year by providing healthier options, portion sizes and reducing calorie content of existing products.  16-member Healthy Weight Foundation includes such giants as General Mills, Kraft and Coca-Cola.  Spokesman says program will be able to quickly cut its first few million calories just by making a couple of minor adjustments in the menu of Chaz Bono.
• Infamous SeaWorld Whale Fathers Two Calves. Tillikum, the six-ton killer whale involved in a SeaWorld fatality earlier this year, has mated with and impregnated two of the park’s female Orcas.  Taima is due next month and Katina is due in October.  SeaWorld is now looking for depressed humans – hopefully suicidal – to jump into Orca enclosure and be eaten by 400-pound Orca infants when they arrive.
• Heart Health:  Fresh research findings, published in journal, “Circulation,” warn risk of heart disease, diabetes, goes up significantly with “sausage intake.”  Implications unclear for Linda Lovelace, Monica Lewinsky.
• NASA suggests yet another method for setting fire to tax revenue:  Space agency says now that robots have found signs Mars once held water, it’s time for remote vehicles to bring back rocks from the planet so scientists can look them over for any evidence of life, past or present.  Estimated mission cost?  $10,000,000,000.   Wait a minute.  That’s $6.7 billion less than Goldman Sachs put aside for compensation during the first nine months of 2009!  Never mind.  Mars or bust!