May 20: Balls, Brews, and Beat-downs

• "oil balls" (not what you were thinking, huh?)Source of Key West Oil Balls Unknown.  Coast Guard rules out connection to Deepwater Horizon oil spill incident.  While source is still a mystery, spokesman says “oily balls” on beach suggests possible link to Key West’s large gay community in some way.  Investigation remains active.
• Obama administration officials to undergo remedial reading training? First, the nation’s top law enforcement official, attorney general Eric Holder, admitted he had not read Arizona immigration law he is criticizing.  Now, nation’s top Homeland Security official, Secretary Janet Napolitano – a former Arizona Governor – says she hasn’t read the law either, but is critical of it regardless.   Consistency can, in and of itself, be a virtue.
• Top environmental scientist flips thermometer: Western Washington University geologist, Dr. Don Easterbrook, author of more than 150 peer-reviewed papers, says decades of records indicate Earth is on the threshold of a double cycle of global cooling – from present to 2030, then again, 2060 to 2090.  Cautions global cooling is even more detrimental to humans than global warming.  News has particularly “chilling” effect on Al Gore bank account.
• Nine more students injured in yet another China school assault! Second attack in which assailants used meat cleavers as weapons, causes authorities to consider possibility of a pack of deranged chefs who have suffered violent reaction to seasoning additive monosodium glutamate.
• Saudi Woman Goes All Spider Monkey on Virtue Cop. When a Saudi “religious policeman” demanded a couple state their relationship to one another…the woman reportedly became enraged and pummeled the officer to the point he had to be hospitalized.  Saudi law prohibits women from socializing with unrelated men…but apparently not from beating one of them to a pulp when woman in question finally has had enough of the b.s.
• Wait, what??  Obama Signs Press Freedom Act, Then Refuses to Take Questions From Press. President signed into law “Daniel Pearl Press Freedom Act” this week, expanding State Department’s human rights reports to include more information about attacks on journalists.  Problem?  No questions allowed.  White House’s “press wranglers” aggressively herded reporters out of the room.  Likely not what Danny Pearl was thinking about.
• Congress finally gets priorities straight; passes beer resolution. While most of Washington was focused on Tuesday’s election results – House was busy passing H.R. 1297 supporting “the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week.”  Bill highlights the “valuable role” played by small and independent craft brewers…and now moves on to the “While Rome Burned” committee.
• Going "postal" in Poland…where police arrest a man who pulled a series of robberies by climbing into large parcel boxes addressed to various businesses and mailing himself.  Once delivered, thief climbed out at night and burgled the joint.  Got away by the same method; addressed box to his Warsaw home before climbing inside with his loot.  Genius.  Until he got into a feud with an accomplice who ratted him out.   Snail mail  –  Jail.