May 10: Neanderthals, Barney Frank, and South Korean Drivers

• Another one bites the dust: Pope accepts resignation of a German bishop this time – who’d offered to step down for smacking around children in his care and scamming money donated to an orphanage. Yes, an orphanage. In a brief statement, Bishop Walter Mixa asked forgiveness from “those to whom I have done an injustice and those I have saddened.”   How about just keeping your mitts off kids and out of the till?  Start there. 
• Suspicions confirmed: “DNA Studies Show Neanderthals, Humans Mated.”  A decade after scientists first cracked the human genome, they’ve done the same for Neanderthals.  Intriguing findings:  Modern humans mingled and mated with Neanderthals millennia ago – and Neanderthal DNA actually lives on in modern humans today…finally explaining Keith Richards, Mickey Rourke, Joy Behar and, well…Bishop Mixa.
• Chas BonoChaz Bono gets legal name change to match gender change.  A year after undergoing gender reassignment surgery, female to male, the one-time daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono to be known simply as – really weird.
• Nutrisystem says “enough already,” with L.T.  Weight loss company announces it is ending its relationship with Lawrence Taylor, former Giants linebacker now charged with rape of a 16-year-old.  Taylor had been one of Nutrisystem’s many annoying spokespeople.  “Possible rapist” image not considered conducive to diets beyond prison menus. 
• Frank Missing! Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, hasn’t been seen since British election results became known Friday…thought to possibly have rushed to London after misinterpreting the news that U.K. vote had produced a “hung parliament.” Developing…
• National Park Service adopts evacuation procedure to take incapacitated visitors down from the Statue of Liberty’s crown.  Crown was reopened to the public last July.  Park service will use a device developed by West Point cadet engineers to quickly evacuate medical emergency case down very narrow stairway.  If device is already in use, any additional visitor in need will be evacuated even more quickly by being pushed from crown to Lady Liberty’s concrete base, approximately 200 feet below.
• Forget “too big to fail.”  How about, “too big to bail?”   Memphis, Tenn. authorities arrest a street gang member wanted on numerous felony counts including “aggravated kidnap.”  Suspect remains in custody – and here’s why:  Bond was set at $1-Billion dollars.  Suspect?  24-year-old Antwan Melvin…with whom you do not want to mess.
• DEFCON Ten: South Korea placed on highest possible red alert footing!  69-year-old Cha Sa-soon who recently passed her driver’s test on her 960th attempt…is now said to be in the market to buy a car.    Omigod…

May 7: Prayers, Paintings, and Peace Negotiations

• “National Day of Prayer” results disappoint: Gulf oil disaster, Iceland volcano, Afghanistan war, Greek economy, Euro collapse, Islamic terrorism, global poverty, global pestilence, continued presence of Barbra Streisand all fail to respond to Prayer Day’s estimated 30-thousand “prayer events” around America.  “Can you hear me now?”   Unclear.
• One-of-a-kind Michael Jackson painting, expected to bring as much as $3-million in eBay auction, can still be yours.  “Fantastical” portrait by Australian artist Brett-Livingstone Strong entitled “The Book” gets zero bids.  Not one.  Zip.  Unavoidable conclusion:  Like MJ himself, gloved one’s appeal appears to be dead.  
• Candidate for White House council of economic advisers? Nye County, Nevada District Attorney, Bob Beckett, arrested on felony embezzlement, fraud and public misconduct charges stemming from probe of an office under his jurisdiction.  Office?  “Bad-check unit.”  Getting a little too close to your work.
• U.S. Middle East envoy takes yet another stab at altering 5,000 year old trend:  Hopelessly naïve mediator George Mitchell launches umpteenth round of Israeli-Palestinian “peace” negotiations on behalf of hopelessly naïve United States. And how’s it going?  The two sides couldn’t even agree on whether the talks had really begun.  With apologies to sportscaster Warner Wolf, “If you had Israelis and Palestinians suddenly breaking into a chorus of Kumbaya – you lost!”
• Today’s “Worst Person on the Planet” award to 50-year-old Robert Skinner of Bohemia, Long Island.  Stole money, police say, from Make-A-Wish Foundation.  It gets worse.  Organization had granted a “wish” to Skinner’s son; including a check for the youngster’s spending money.  Skinner allegedly used information from the check to gain access to Make-A-Wish’s bank account and used “wish” cash to fulfill a few “wishes” of his own.  Under arrest; grand larceny.
• Maybe those new airport body scanners do reveal too much.   TSA screener faces assault charge after he allegedly beat-up a co-worker who made a crack about his genitalia.  Both men had been training on new “whole body image” machines that provide very detailed scans.  Police:  “The X-ray revealed that the worker had a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis.”  Until Wednesday.  When the accused told officers “he couldn’t take the jokes anymore and lost his mind.”  Allegedly beat tormentor with his baton.  His police baton.  Not…    never mind.   “Aggravated battery” rap.  
• Oops.  “Imam Charged with Sex Offenses.”  48-year-old Imam who teaches children about the Koran has been charged in Sweden with sexual assault of a little girl; 11-year-old student.  Allegedly molested and groped the child while teaching her Arabic and Koranic values at her family’s home.  Trial coming up this summer.  “Show us where the bad man…”  Etcetera.
  
  

May 6: The Times Square Bomber, Greeks, and Media Matters

• Faisal Shahzad: Just your average middle class American dad. Wife, two kids, house in Connecticut, M.B.A., SUV, bomb.  Well, maybe not “All-American.”  Just has some “issues,” doggone it.  And don’t we all, don’t we all.   Some of us try counseling; some of us try to blow up Times Square. 
• Sucker Still Unidentified. Speculation that anonymous “art” patron may never wish to be identified after plunking down a world record $106.5 million dollars this week for a Picasso that looked like it might have been rendered by an elephant trained to hold a paintbrush in its trunk.  
• CBS, CNN may move to “make it legal.”  Already well-known bedmates, the two rapidly receding media outlets reportedly are talking merger…in order to become a single rapidly receding media outlet.   Asked to comment on the potential of such a move, no analyst could be found who watched either CBS or CNN.
• Greeks go on rampage. Violent protests staged by parasitic citizens terrified that government’s emergency austerity measures might require them to actually go to work, get jobs, rise before noon.   Developing…
• Washington Post Co. looking to dump Newsweek.  Beleaguered 77-year-old left-leaning weekly, described by analysts as “a drag on its parent company,” is up for sale.  In a statement, Post Co. Chairman Donald E. Graham said that despite a recent top-to-bottom makeover, Newsweek “might be a better fit elsewhere.”   Moscow?
• Lindsay Lohan takes on role of Linda Lovelace in biopic about the infamous 1970’s Deep Throat star.  Without elaborating, producer Wali Razaqi said, “We’ve all thought how awesome of a performance Lindsay could give.”  Details about the movie will reportedly be released at the Cannes Film Festival May 10th…although when you think about it, what more is there to say?  
• Arizona, again. Here comes the TWI: “Teaching While Hispanic.”  Now, English teachers across the state are the subject of controversy as the Department of Education pushes districts to reassign instructors who do not speak English “well enough” themselves to be teaching the subject.  State Superintendent Tom Horne says “heavy accents” should be a disqualification.   Affected individuals apparently will not be asked, however, for papers to prove legal residency.
• And one more example of when you can be sure that you positively, no kiddin’, absolutely, “have had enough.” 25-year-old Mitchell Deslatte of Baton Rouge arrested after regrettable mistake:  Pulled car up to long, low building…went inside and asked “desk clerk” for a room.  Problem, long low building was not a motel.  What it was, was…headquarters Louisiana State Police Troop A.  He got a room. And a DUI on his pillow.
  
  

May 5: Sex, Drugs, and a $12 Cup of Coffee

• Taliban, Al Qaeda schools seen as failing in the wake of botched Times Square bomb attack:  Extremists’  “No Terrorist Left Behind” program to be revamped, after would-be bomber’s explosive device looked like it could have been assembled by dope-addled drop-outs from sixth grade chemistry class of dyslexics.
• Roman Polanski breaks silence. Fugitive filmmaking pervert publishes personal appeal to Swiss authorities asking that they deny a request to extradite him to the United States.  Famed child-toucher says, “I can remain silent no longer.”   Awkward, since recent opinion regarding Polanski suggests the percentage of people who want to hear from him is zero.
• Two tons of opium seized by Afghan authorities patrolling in Helmand province…search now being pressed for a tank car-sized hypodermic syringe.   Developing…
• Swine Flu Crisis Update:   U.S. still has 71 million doses of H1N1 swine flu vaccine, but no virus to treat…fears entire batch might have to be thrown out.  Centers for Disease Control considers stationing the few remaining H1N1 sufferers at high volume public venues – malls, public transportation facilities, schools and the like – to shake hands, sneeze on passersby, spit on sidewalks…to try to prevent a lamentable waste of tax dollars.
• Child Porn British Psychiatrist Cleared to Work with Children again:  Hereford, England doctor, Darryl Watts, spent 30 hours a week surfing for photos of five-to-seven year olds in sexual poses.  Got a fine, year suspension, computer destroyed…then appealed and restrictions were lifted.  Blamed “workload stress” for sick behavior.  Told judge,  “I began to get negative thoughts about myself and dislike myself significantly.”  Join the crowd.
• And in not unrelated news… “I’m a victim, dammit!”   Florida state senator Mike Bennett of Bradenton says he was simply checking e-mail when a video camera happened to grab a screen-shot of his computer during capitol legislative session.  Senator Bennett was shocked, shocked – and clicked away just as fast as his little fingers would fly when he realized he was all-of-a-sudden looking at naked women right there in front of him just spread out all over his screen!  O’ the humanity!
• Good evening, officer.  And here’s lookin’ at you.  Marion County, FL. Sheriff’s deputies slap a DUI charge on 61-year-old Dana Seaman, after they said they watched his car swerving down the street.  Oh, and after he was pulled over, they watched him take one last swig from his drink cup before he tossed it beneath car’s passenger seat.  There was that, too.  Mr. Seaman declined a breath test.  But then, what would’ve been the point…?
• First the lamebrain Times Square bomber – and now this:   Gourmet coffee chain brings $12 cup of coffee to New York City; two Brooklyn locations, one in Manhattan.  Company defends, we repeat, TWELVE DOLLAR CUP OF COFFEE by saying beans take longer to develop and process.  Bomber….12-buck brew.  Which is more offensive?  We report.  You decide.

May 4: Big Hair, Roomy Potties, and Where Not to Find Bombing Suspects

• James TraficantEx-con Throws Hair in Ring.  Former Ohio Democratic representative James Traficant files papers to run again for Congress – this time as an independent.  Colorful figure with famous roadkill hair problem did hard time for racketeering, obstruction of justice, bribery and tax evasion…causing analysts to wonder whether he might actually have sights set on administration cabinet post.
• NYPD Rules Out Chess Clubs, MENSA Meetings in Hunt for Times Square Bomb Suspect.  Spokesman points out that would-be bomber tried to use non-explosive fertilizer as principal bomb ingredient and forgot to open valves on propane tanks.  Investigators consider narrowing search to individuals who watch “Jersey Shore,” purchase books by Kitty Kelly, or attend Insane Clown Posse concerts.
• Really Unintended Acceleration. 18-year-old Whittier, Californian escapes injury when car crashes into government building.  Meant to step on brake, hit accelerator instead.  Building – Department of Motor Vehicles headquarters.  Motorist, Lucas Holliday, was taking his driving exam at the time.   He’ll have to reschedule.
• You put the cuffs on him. No, you put the cuffs on him. Seattle assault suspect found inside hiding inside Port-A-Potty.  No, “inside” in a bad way.  Sheriff’s deputies searched the thing after a witness reported seeing a man go in and not come out.  He was in there.  Now in solitary confinement in the Snohomish County Jail.  And they don’t even have “solitary.” 
• Mexico – An Endless Journey. And quite possibly, “one way.”   Weekend violence in the Mexican state of Chihuahua leaves 24 people dead in span of 24 hours; 8 in Juarez, 10 in capital of Chihuahua, 5 in Cuauhtémoc and 1 in Parral.  Follows 15 killed in Juarez last Wednesday and 10 in Juarez last Tuesday.  “Endless Journey” tourism slogan understandable, because in Mexico you don’t dare stop moving.
• Al Gore Selects Site for Personally Monitoring Sea Levels. Former Vice President and Nobel environmentalist purchases $8,875,000 ocean-view monitoring station overlooking Pacific at Montecito, California.  Scientific habitat equipped with six fireplaces, nine bathrooms, five bedrooms, spa, fountains, pool…numerous fax machines for quickly dispensing information on tide levels, reductions in sea lion, otter populations to an anxious public.
• Today’s “Teacher Gets Kid in Sack” report comes from Orange County, California where Tustin High School “athletic trainer” Hope Jacoby, 23, has been sentenced to 3-years probation and 240 hours community service for “unlawful sexual intercourse” and “oral copulation” with a 16-year-old male student.  Offenses are felonies, but were reduced to misdemeanors, court explained, because student was a “willing participant” and was even “somewhat enthusiastic” about relationship.   Understatement?  Your thoughts…