From the Green Room: A Not-So-Anonymous Gambler

Mohegan SunToday we head up to the amazing Mohegan Sun Casino and Resort for the 2nd Annual “Imus at Night” event.  We’ve done many live remotes from the Wolf Den there and believe me, it’s not an example of Imus hyperbole when he describes how fabulous that place is.  It’s like a beautiful, hyperkinetic planet, with what seems like 10,000 shops and restaurants and about 90 square miles of table games slot machines.  It’s like Adult Disney World.  You’d think Gangsta Mickey would fit right in here, except his low-rent, low-rider sensibilities are really more suited to the ten-dollar hooker, nickel video poker, and urine-stained carpets of Atlantic City.  Mohegan is the gold standard.  If all the hotel casinos in Vegas were like Mohegan Sun, Las Vegas would be so busy it would have to secede from the union and become its own country.

One of the myriad great things about Mohegan Sun is there’s so much to see and do even if you don’t gamble.  Which I don’t do very well.  I still haven’t grasped the concept that, in Blackjack, having the most points isn’t always a good thing.  I regularly hit on 20, a strategy that, while making me a very popular face at the table, runs through my bankroll at an alarmingly fast rate.  I have a hard time grasping the concept that my 30 does not beat the dealer’s 19, when mathematically that is the case

I’m not much better at Roulette, where my system involves putting a chip down on every single number, including the 00, which insures a win on every spin but also blows through my stash in no time. 

I’d be in favor of adding some new card games to go along with Pai Gow, Caribbean Poker, and Texas Hold ‘Em:  Five dollar Go Fish, ten dollar Gin Rummy, and no-limit Steal the Old Man’s Bundle.

I guess I have to get used to the idea that, despite being Allman Brothers fan, Lord,  I was not born a Gambling Man.   A fact which seems pretty clear when you consider that my Final Four was Vassar, Nassau Community College, The Culinary Institute of America, and Apex Technical School. 


From the Green Room: The "Kim Jong Il"

The Drudge Report posted a story from the France 24 website on Wednesday that maintained Kim Jong Il has set a new fashion trend.  It’s hard to believe the wacky little dictator is so influential in the world of couture, but apparently he’s making more of a mark on the designers showing their new lines at Bryant park than the finalists at Project Runway.  I can’t help but think he’s tweeting on his Blackberry, “OMG, I am very close to being on the cover of Vogue…ROR!”

The article of clothing that has seemingly captured the imaginations of International Stylistas is a blue-grey overall-style zipped up tunic and matching trousers, a look that more befits a minion of a James Bond villain than that of the omnipotent North Korean leader.  I mean, for all intents and purposes, it’s a glorified polyester leisure suit.  My grandfather rocked that particular look back in the early seventies, along with his Mutton Chops and his “Ankh” symbol necklace which made him quite the “Hep Cat” when he did “Da Bump” at family weddings.

For me, fashion will always be the most elusive of all art forms, but I can’t help but wonder what will be considered “in” when the “Kim” inevitably becomes “out.”

One can only hope it will be rodeo shirts, cowboy hats and Ugg Boots:  
The “Imus.”  The hottest thing since the “Annie Hall.”

I’m just glad I didn’t throw away my paisley plaid print shirt.  I’d like to be in style for at least ten minutes.

From the Green Room: The Double Down

After over forty years of actively trying to figure out the meaning of life, pursuing the vast eternal plan, what my special purpose is, I have finally found the elusive answer.The Double Down

It’s called The Double Down.

It’s the newest creation of the Jesus of the Culinary Arts, Colonel Sanders.  KFC has announced that next Monday, April 12th, they will offer a sandwich comprised of two slices of Monterey jack cheese, two slices of crisp bacon, and the Colonel’s Special Sauce. But instead of a bun, the traditional delivery system that has been the staple of the sandwich for hundreds of years, this one comes sans bread, and is served between TWO boneless, fried chicken breasts. 

I have seen the face of God.

This is the single greatest thing to happen to modern man since the Salk vaccine.  There are no words to describe the genius behind this particular invention.  It is available in two versions, original and grilled.  The non-fried version has 80 fewer calories and 9 fewer grams of fat, but 50 more milligrams of sodium, topping the chart at 1420.  Why worry about the water retention and blood pressure increase from eating so much salt, or the risk of bursting a blood vessel and having my legs swell up to the size of Doric columns? I’ll settle for The Double Down the way the Colonel envisioned it:  piping hot from the deep fryer, accompanied by a coronary stent.

I’m just a little nervous about what could be in the Colonel’s Special Sauce.  

I think I’m probably better off not knowing.  Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.


From the Green Room: Bo Dietlese

Bo Dietl is my all-time favorite guest.  Aside from the fact that he’s the ultimate, living incarnation of a Damon Runyon character, he’s about the most colorful human on the planet.  And by colorful, I don’t mean the shade of orange his complexion takes from time to time, a hue not found in nature that he is wont to rock, even during the winter. By colorful, I mean his personality.  Bo is nothing if not passionate about his favorite subjects, so much so that his face turns bright crimson and blood vessels pop so fiercely you'd swear their rupture would coat the studio in blood.

But the best part about Bo is his “Bo-Speak,” the lexicon so prolific that Rosetta Stone is very close to creating another language program to help the average American become fluent in it.  Herewith are some fundamental components of “Dietlese” in an effort to help you to better enjoy the experience of Bo’s appearances on the Imus in the Morning Program.

1: Idioms are plentiful. “Take the Pipe” means someone has passed away, either prematurely, or in an unnatural manner.  As in:  “Michael Jackson took the pipe…but not the way he normally liked to.” 

2: Bo Knows…Everybody. Whether in the worlds of politics, corporate America, show business celebrities…they are all very dear, close friends. When speaking Dietlese,  try to drop as many names as humanly possible in normal conversation:  “So I was up at Rao’s having dinner with Warren Buffet, Robert DeNiro and Mike Huckabee.  None of them make a move without me.”

3: The Suffix ‘ation.’   In English, used to describe an action or process, the result of an action or process, or a state of being.  In Dietlese, it’s used for pretty much everything, noun, verb or adjective. (ie: The English sentence, “The lesbian couple engaged in an intimate moment” in Dietlese would be “The Lesbianics got into a munchatation situation.”  In English, “The gentleman was scammed out of two hundred thousand dollars.”   In the plu-perfect Dietl:  “That moron was hose-atated for two hundred large.” 

4: Refer to Everyone as ‘Bo.' Whether President of a European nation,  Rhodes Scholar, Mensa Member, Nobel or Pulitzer Prize Winner or Holy Man, everybody is Bo.  “That Brainiac in the Wheel Chair, Bo Hawkings,”  “My man Pope Bo Benedict,” and “That Frog with the hot babe-atation for an old lady, Bo Sarkozy.”

5: Cultural References: Foreign Nationals are addressed with an onomatopoetic term approximating how their native tongue sounds to the “Bo Ear.”  For instance, when Bo speaks of the Leader of Saudi Arabia, Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz Bin Abdulrahman Bin Faisal Bin Turki Bin Abdullah Bin Mohammed Bin Saud, he refers to him as King
“Abba Dabba Doo.”

6: Always Remember –Speaking like Bo, no matter how proficient you become in Dietlese, does not, nor will it ever, make you Bo.  Because he is one of a kind.  Every night, before you go to bed, thank God for his existence on the planet.  Should you be unsuccessful in contacting God, however, just call Bo. Apparently, even God doesn’t make a move without him.


From the Green Room: Knowing When to Say When

In “Pulp Fiction,” one of Marcellus Wallace’s pearls of wisdom is that “Boxers don’t have an old timers day.”  Well, at least they didn’t until now.  Because on Saturday, Roy Jones Jr. and Bernard Hopkins will face each other at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.  The 41-year old Jones and the 45-year old Hopkins will finally have aBernard Hopkins rematch that is 17 years in the making.  I’d love to have the oxygen concession at that fight.
Even the great Iron Mike Tyson called it quits at 39, or at least his trainer did, when Kevin McBride wore him out like a vinyl copy of Sergeant Pepper.  He finished with a 50-6 record, and segued right into movies, nailing a star turn in “The Hangover,” where he performed what was possibly the greatest rendition of Phil Collins’s “In The Air” ever captured on film.  

Perhaps it’s time for Messrs. Jones and Hopkins to consider signing with ICM before it’s too late, and they wander off into Leon Spinks/Jerry Cooney territory.  Both of those fighters wound up staying one bout too long, and now know their respective brain cells by name, as they spend most of their free time sitting in a corner trying to master an Etch-A-Sketch.  I knew Spinks was in trouble when before the second Ali fight, he attempted rhyming like the champ: “I will hit him so hard, I will be his jinx…because that’s my name….Leon.”

Roy Jones, Jr.I think Mr. Jones especially has a potentially promising career in film. I can easily see him playing the part of Captain America’s nemesis “Cottonmouth” in the Avengers movie, or Bilbo Baggins’s next door neighbor in the upcoming “Hobbit” remake. Mr. Hopkins however, seems ripe for the aforementioned Marcellus Wallace himself, should Quentin Tarrantino ever decide to do a prequel of his masterpiece...or even the fighter that Butch winds up killing in the ring just before he meets The Gimp.

That is, if he doesn’t get killed in the ring himself on Saturday.
It must be difficult getting the footwork right when you’re using a walker.