From the Green Room: Justin Bieber is the Anti-Christ

The BiebNot every pre-pubescent teen who makes some YouTube videos becomes an international pop sensation. But that, by the grace of God and Usher, is exactly what happened with Justin Bieber.

Other than his Bang-Laden, Beatle-Style, Bowl Haircut, there isn’t much to distinguish the young lad from every other Teen Pop sensation that’s come down the pike, from Paul Anka and Ricky Nelson to Bobby Sherman and Donny Osmond. Except that Justin Bieber, unlike Paul Anka and Ricky Nelson, sort of sucks, in a Bobby Sherman, Donny Osmond kind of way.  His fans, however, are, to say the least, more of the rabid variety than even those smitten teens who were moved to snip a lock of Ringo’s hair during The Beatles’ first US tour.

Some of them camped outside Rockefeller Center FOR THREE DAYS just to get a choice location at Justin’s outdoor concert on the Today Show. (It’s probably safe to assume they were there for Bieber, and not to catch a glimpse of Al Roker). Then there are the fans who sent death threats to Kim Kardashian after a photo of she and “The Bieb” was published and Justin jokingly tweeted, “Look, it’s my girlfriend.”  There is, of course, no evidence to suggest that one of those people was rapper/singer Ray J, who starred alongside Ms. Kardashian in her infamous sex tape. But the idea of Mr. “J” and the Biebs engaging in a Greco-Roman style bout over a Kardashian has Pay-Per-View event written all over it.

Then there was the 16 year old New Zealand girl who got the chance to visit Bieber backstage, and snatched a bottle of sparkling water he had drank from and fetched $624 dollars for it on an EBay-like site.  Do you think 624 bucks is a lot to pay for a half-full bottle of mineral water? There’s Bieber DNA floating in that puppy, pal. And if you just freeze that container until modern science finally perfects the cloning process, you’ll be in high cotton.

Just as every celebrity has their supporters, Justin also has a myriad of haters, those who have dedicated their lives to ruining his. So much so that some have created lurid “Hot Searches” on “Google Trends” that are, to say the least, not terribly flattering. Those searches include: “Justin Bieber Takes Estrogen,”  “Justin Bieber Syphillis,” “Justin Bieber Removes Testicle,” and  “Justin Bieber Impregnated His Mother.” It’s only a matter of Not Goodtime until Google Trends shows up with a Hot Search resembling a “Paul is Dead” type of conspiracy rumor, where hidden messages can be discovered by playing Bieber songs backwards to suggest that the Pop Tart has mysteriously been killed in a tragic blow-dryer accident.

The only problem is that Justin Bieber’s songs, whether played backwards or forwards, sound pretty much the same.  In that Bobby Sherman, Donny Osmond kind of way.