From the Green Room: Do A Little Dance

some guy doing the Cabbage Patch dance. he doesn't get out much.Scientists at Northumbria University in the United Kingdom have conducted a study to discover what women find attractive when men bust their sweet moves on the dance floor.  Shockingly, gents, it’s not your Jersey Shore style fist-pumping with your upper teeth tightly clenched over your lower lip. Finally, we have a key to unlock the mystery why doing “The Cabbage Patch,” unless in the end zone of a football stadium after a touchdown, won’t get you laid.

It seems people have an intuitive understanding of what makes a good and bad dancer. Using biometric analysis, the scientists calculated precisely the kinds of movements that cause women to find some men healthy physical specimens “good for breeding,” and others better suited for breathtakingly, spirit-crushing ridicule. 

The researchers had anticipated that arm and hand movements would be the ones found most attractive to members of the opposite sex.  But after using twelve cameras to tape non-professional male dancers, uploading their movements to computer generated avatars, and then showing them to a random sampling of women, they discovered that was simply not the case. Hence the ineffectiveness of picking up that hot bridesmaid at your cousin’s wedding last month with your pathetically lame performance of “The Raggedy Ann.” Seriously dude, you CAN’T POSSIBLY think that looks cool. You might as well rock a white polyester leisure suit with matching patent leather loafers. 

The study also found that women pay more attention to the core body region—the torso, neck and head—and to the speed of the movements, with their variability scoring the highest. Ultimately, the men who were twisting, nodding and, interestingly enough, running in place, were the ones who got the ladies the hottest.

a bunch of people unfortunately doing The MacarenaSo if Chubby Checker just jogs a little on the dance floor while emphatically agreeing with his partner, he’ll be getting some SERIOUS action. You, on the other hand, doing the “Macarena” in your powder blue velour tuxedo, looking like a rabbit in the throes of an epileptic fit, will be spending the end of the evening alone, eating Nachos and watching Cinemax, accompanied by a Costco-sized tube of Lubriderm.  

And to think you wasted all that money on lessons at Arthur Murray, when you would’ve been better off just hiring a hooker.