From the Green Room: Give Pee-Wee A Hand

Actor Paul Reubens, (of Pee Wee’s Playhouse fame) says he has evidence that   would have proven he was innocent of playing with his Pee Wee in a Porn Theatre, had his Indecent Exposure case actually gone to trial.

Which begs the question: What type of forensic proof might he be ready to offer, short of a Monica Lewinsky-style garment, mysteriously bereft of a DNA sample?

Nineteen years ago, the Pee Wee Herman scandal was the headline, during what wasn’t exactly a “slow news week.” The story broke the same time as Jeffrey Dahmer’s.  Pee Wee was the lead. That’s right: a man who killed people, drilled holes in their head, filled them with acid, and, once or twice, actually ATE them…was below the fold, in favor of the child-like man who spanked it in a cinema in Sarasota.  As the saying goes, “time heals all wounds.” Now Dahmer is dead and Pee-Wee is making a comeback, with a Broadway show and a movie deal in the works.

Because evidently, Mr. Wee has an expert researcher from the Masters and Johnson Institute, who would have testified that in thirty years worth of test data, they have found it is “virtually impossible” for a person to pleasure his or herself with a non-dominant hand. According to research, Righties “Rub the Rhubarb” with their right hands, Lefties “Lope the Llama” with the Southpaw; traits that suggest the ambidextrous are a horny little bunch. The Peester is right-handed, and the police report stated he was caught using his left.  Case dismissed.

But as every pre-pubescent boy will tell you, NOTHING is “virtually impossible’”when it comes to masturbation. When it comes to dealing with surges in hormone levels, the adage “where there’s a will, there’s a way” holds sway.

Besides, everybody knows that you switch hands to make it seem like someone else is doing it.