From the Green Room: Carrying Your Luggage...

Don’t you hate it when bad things happen to good people?   Baptist minister and anti-gay activist George Alan Rekers was caught with a "rent boy,” which is a euphemism for a male prostitute. Rekers’s first mistake was not procuring a “lease boy,” because with the right accountant, it’s a tax write-off.  His second error was coming up with a lame excuse: Rekers said the boy toy was just “carrying his luggage,” a phrase which will enter the lexicon of scandal as a euphemism right underneath the entry for “a wide stance,” which was Senator Larry Craig’s excuse for the foot nudge he gave another man in an airport toilet.

I think there needs to be a new book from which public figures can retrieve more suitable phrases when in flagrante delicto, which is Latin for “caught red handed.” If you’re a closeted homosexual and plan on carrying yourself as a vehemently anti-gay activist, you really should plan ahead. NOBODY believes that Reverend Rekers went on the Internet to hire someone to “carry his luggage.”  That’s why God made skycaps. They’re right there, and they don’t charge by the hour.  But if Rekers had answered, “I’ve adopted a refugee,” upon being asked the identity of his traveling companion, it wouldn’t have made headlines.  

Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy would never have gotten into trouble giving that transvestite hooker a lift had he said that he was “doing a mitzvah.”  You can’t dispute a good deed when a Hebrew word is invoked. For those who are not fluent in that beautiful, ancient language, they could interpret “mitzvah” as the Yiddish term for “transvestite hooker,” and assume that Eddie was merely coming clean.

Here’s a list of euphemisms that I submit for possible use by politicians and other celebrities when a good ass-covering is needed.   When asked if the muscular, painfully handsome young gentleman, or buxom, spandex pants-clad bimbo accompanying you is a prostitute, you can claim that you actually hired them to:

“Reboot your hard drive.”
“Wax your mini-van.”
“Teach you Esperanto.”
“Tenderize your veal shank.”
“Polish your good silver.”
“Play your bag pipes.”
“Saute your shitakes.”
“Pull your taffy.”  

Or, my personal favorite:

“Find Waldo.”