From the Green Room: Oh, Kate Gosselin

Kate Gosselin has revealed that she hasn’t had sex in over a year.  The other night, on Jimmy Kimmel, the recently ousted “star” of “Dancing With The Stars” confessed she hasn’t done the nasty in over 15 months.

I’m shocked.

The woman who single-handedly destroyed all that Viagra has done over the past ten years is not getting any?  Surely you jest. What man would not be turned on by a lady who, clad in a furry pimp hat, screamed to her children, “Come and get your popcorn!” like she was Chicken Little? Who nagged her hubby like a hellacious harridan for the entire five seasons of their reality series on TLC?  The terpsichorean-challenged babe who, on “Dancing With The Stars,” made every number look like her partner was trying to help her ride out an epileptic fit?  You mean to tell me that shrill, single mom with eight kids…is NOT sexually appealing?

Kate isn’t exactly what one would consider a MILF: Mom I’d Like To...Friend-itate (to use the Dietl vernacular).  She’s more like a MOWFILTPAP: Mom Over Whose Face I’d Like To Put A Pillow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of her ex-husband, who threw her over for the third grade teacher.  To paraphrase Chris Rock, “I don’t condone it…but I understand.” Kate seems to be the reason behind the “til death do us part” section of the marriage vows.  Within 20 minutes of wedding that woman, I’d probably be quoting Corinthians 15:55: “O Death, where is thy sting?”

Kimmel suggested one way for Kate to improve her situation would be to go on “The Bachelorette,” but she said she was too devoted to “her children and her career.”  Which, I kinda thought, were the same thing.  Her Kids ARE the reason for her celebrity. She’s only famous because she spit out a six pack of rugrats to add to the two she’d already foist upon our unsuspecting world.  A tabloid cover recently called Kate’s life a “train wreck.”  I beg to differ. 

I would actually like to watch a train wreck.