From the Green Room: The Earth is Our Mother
Thursday, April 22, 2010 
The Earth is our Mother, and we need to learn how to treat her with the love and respect she deserves. She’s not been very happy with us lately, a fact made all the more obvious by all the recent, hideous earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and weather patterns of biblical proportions. Mama Nature is pissed, so here are a few things we can do to cheer her up:
SAVE GAS: Constant braking can lower your cars’ MPG by over 25%. An even, steady pressure on the accelerator is the most efficient way to conserve fuel. If you have trouble with the concept of not stopping for traffic lights, vehicles ahead of you, or pedestrians… consider driving a Toyota.
TURN UP YOUR REFRIGERATOR: Raw fish, meats, mayonnaise…they don’t need to be all that cold. 65 degrees in the icebox should be more than enough to keep your food fresh for at least ten or twelve minutes. If you’re going to store comestibles for longer than that, you’re just not all that hungry then, are you? Botulism is a small price to pay to be able to leave the lights on overnight because you’re afraid of the boogeyman.
CONSIDER USING CLOTH DIAPERS: Disposable “nappies” don’t biodegrade very well. Despite their superior ability to absorb waste and protect the sensitive skin of your baby’s bum, they virtually have a half-Life when put into a landfill. Sure, it’s like having your baby poop in a T-Shirt, and you have to keep it around the house until wash day, but rashes are a good way to teach our children that a pure environment requires sacrifice from us all.
NEVER THROW SPENT BATTERIES IN THE TRASH: They have Mercury, a toxic heavy metal that could leak and then seep into the aquifer, tainting our water supply. Save them for the next time you attend a public sporting event to hurl at the opposing team. 
TURN DOWN THE HEAT: Not necessarily in your own home, but in those of the millions of parents, grandparents and senior centers that dot our landscape. Let’s face it, you could have the thermostat at 96 and they would still complain about being chilly. The ozone layer has raised the global temperature by 50 degrees. Stop whining and put on another effing sweater, Grandma. Suck it up. The Earth is dying.
And so are you, by the way.
