Imusology
In this realm of existence, we all are searching for 'answers' to the mysteries of life. Everyone needs to reconcile themselves with morality, mortality, and what lies ahead for us when our time in this dimension comes to an end. Here, I offer some spiritual hypotheticals, along with answers that have comforted me over the past 23 years, ever since I adopted the teachings of the great holy man to whom I worship each weekday morning: J. Don Imus. This is a flyer for Imusology, The Science of Don-A-Netics.
Are you plagued with self doubt, negative thoughts and irrational fears? Do you suffer from feelings of despair? Are you looking for a higher state of spiritual awareness?
Everything sucks, it's never going to get better, and we're all gonna die.
Are you looking for fulfillment?
You think your life is empty? Suck it up, you wussies.
Are you insecure about your purpose in the world? Your own self worth?
Here's all you need to know You're a moron.
Do you need to gain perspective?
Everything is going to hell...and my green tea is cold. Carley!
Imusology is a life strategy based on the principles that true happiness can only be achieved through the unhappiness of others.
This sucks. And you suck. Eat me.
Combining the teachings of Gandhi...
What's with the diaper thing? Put on some pants! And Jesus...have a sandwich!
The wisdom of Buddha...
Hey, how about you lay off a little on the Sweet and Sour Pork, you fat bastard.
The rebelliousness of Martin Luther...
I mean, I know fiber is good for you, but...95 feces...that's just stupid.
And the miracles of Jesus Christ...
Y'know, I get the feeding the 5000 deal, and as long as the loaves are organic whole grain...but...you can't eat fish! You have any idea how much Mercury is in fish? FISH? I mean, you can't make it up!
Imusology. The Science of Don-A-Netics. A philosophy that validates your most primal fears and insecurities.
You want to know if there's life after death? Good. Die.
This message has been brought to you by the church of Don Imus and Latter Day Saints.