May 3: Women's Rights, A Hot Sauce Bottle Where the Sun Don't Shine, and a Useful Blanket

• No, we’re not making this up.  Actual headline:  “U.N. Elects Iran to Commission on Women’s Rights.”  According to its website, U.N. commission is “dedicated exclusively to gender equality and advancement of women.”  Iranian theocracy, of course, has enshrined stoning and lashings of women…as necessary…and just days ago advanced the theory that women dressed immodestly “cause earthquakes.”  Square that circle.  
• And also on subject:  “Coppertone Fatwa.”  Another actual headline:  “Suntanned Women to be Arrested under Islamic Dress Code.”   Tehran Chief of Police declares suntanned women are in defiance of Islamic values, will not be tolerated, and in fact will be arrested and imprisoned.  Oookay.   Please pass the SPF 100.  And for goodness sake don’t show a pantyline whatever you do.  
• Here’s trouble:  “Surgeons Extricate Hot-Sauce Bottle from State Inmate.”   Ohio Department of Correction won’t release name of inmate who needed emergency surgery to remove a hot-sauce bottle he had used as…as…okay, “a sex device.”  Really lonely prisoner had placed bottle in anatomical site more normally reserved for gerbil habitation. Post-op condition not reported, but “uncomfortable” doesn’t seem to be too much of a stretch.
• “Bismarck, North Dakota.”  American Lung Association’s winner in annual “air quality” rankings.  Best spot in America to find fresh air, low ozone!  Only downside, you have to go to Bismarck, North Dakota, for godssake.'
• Scientists imply it might be time for Stephen Hawking to park power scooter:   Meeting in Houston, Texas, scientists insist search for extraterrestrial life must continue – as NASA and other agencies observe half-century of exploring origins of life in the universe.  Conference comes on the heels of Professor Hawking saying attempting to contact aliens risks extraterrestrial beings “returning our calls” by turning Earth into a charcoal briquette.
• Weekend at Bernie’s "School."  Police in Plain Township, Ohio continue to investigate after a dead body was found inside a van parked at local high school.  Janitor, part-time job at a local funeral home, reportedly picked up dead guy from medical center…drove to funeral home. Closed.  So, in order to carry out janitorial duties, simply drove to school with corpse.  Logical, no?  No, according to police.  Still trying to figure out just what charges might apply. But something pretty “stiff,” no doubt.
• Can this marriage be saved?  Yes!  Denver science teacher invents blanket to improve the “marriage bed.”  Got the idea from military chemical suits.  Blanket looks normal on top, but sandwiched between top and bottom layers?  An “activated carbon” fabric that absorbs flatulence emissions.  And you thought you were smart.   Love means never having to say, “It was the dog.”
• It’s now the law!  If they leave you in an aluminum cylindrical sweatbox for three hours out there on the airport tarmac – you now got RIGHTS.   “Lemme off this plane, now!”  And they must.  Or, they get hit with a 27-thousand-500-dollar fine per passenger.  Take your common, run-of-the-mill 737 with 130-150 captives on board.  That comes to  $3.5 million or more.  So, they won’t just let you off…they’ll kick you off.  And, of course, charge you a “passenger comfort exit fee.”

April 30: Pond Scum, Nancy Pelosi, and Torpedoes

• NASA stunner!  Mars probes, “Opportunity” and “Spirit,” find compelling evidence that life is – or has been – on Red Planet…in a form similar to ingredients found in  “pond scum,” the building blocks of life, congress, and Goldman Sachs, as we know it.
• Beijing’s Stealth Assault on America Continuing. Product Safety Commission issues recall of Graco-brand drop-side cribs because of “entrapment and suffocation” hazard.  You now are permitted one guess regarding country of manufacture.   Any guess other than “China” will be subject to immediate disqualification.  “Remain vigilant.”
• Please leave your guns with the nearest deacon. Thank you. Funeral for teen-aged gunshot victim at Oakland, California’s Cosmopolitan Baptist church degenerates into brawl.  Police find roughly 300 people outside sanctuary, beating the hell out of each other, after somebody pulled a gun inside.  Incident marked second time in less than three months that gunfire has erupted at an Oakland church, giving new context to “Baptism by fire.”
• House Speaker Pelosi Unrecognizable on Cover of D.C. Magazine!   “Capitol File” cover, featuring what purports to be a photograph of Nancy Pelosi, sets off firestorm of speculation:  Is photo from Ms. Pelosi’s high school yearbook?  Was Speaker victim of multiple airbrush drive by?  Pelosi spokesperson insists photo was not airbrushed…leaving “chemical peel” by something akin to Eyjafjallajokull volcano as only other possible explanation.
• Is that a torpedo in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?  U.S. Navy lifting its ban on women serving aboard submarines…duty restricted to males to this point.  First women to be assigned will go through intensive 15-month program including nuclear power school, submarine ops training, Submarine Officer Basic course, and intensive Human Resources phone number memorization for “instant recall” applications.
• Holy Man Claims to Have Lived Without Food, Water for 70 Years.  Team of 30 medical specialists studying 83-year-old yogi trying to determine what energy supports his existence.  Prahlad Jani says his “energy needs” are met solely through meditating.  Doctors next hope to study an American radio/TV icon who has survived for over a year on a diet almost as strict…apparently meeting “energy needs” solely through bitching.
• Secretary of your Treasury, Barack Obama:  President, on the stump for his Wall Street reform program, informs Illinois audience:  “I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.”  No specification of where he feels cut-off point should be…yet
• National Institute of Health says there is zero evidence nutritional supplement program, solving “brain teasers,” or anything else for that matter, prevents, retards, or has any other salutary effect on Alzheimer’s.  So forget it.

April 29: People Still Use AOL, Amy Winehouse Falls Down, and Boobquakes

• Business news:  “You’ve Got Mail…A Foreclosure Notice!”  AOL first-quarter results off a cliff:  Income down $49-million; sales down 23%; subscription revenue off 28%, ad sales down 11%.   Delusional CEO says, “We’re now entering the second phase of AOL’s turnaround plan aggressively pursuing our strategy in the marketplace!”  Dear god.  Where’d they get the “strategy,” Greece?
• Mama don’t allow no thong wearin’ around here. There is a God.  Seaside town of Kure Beach, North Carolina bans thongs…spares local residents from exposure to beach-goers who look like somebody wrapped dental floss around Chaz Bono and Drew Carey.  As 99.9% of  “thong-flaunters” do.
• Hairball Eggheads Engage in Mental Masturbation on – naturally – West Coast:  Scientists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory have set fire to more than $2-billion of your tax dollars so far, 25% over budget, year behind schedule…on lunatic mission to create a pea-sized “star” that would “shine” for 200-trillionths of one second and demonstrate nuclear fusion.  Project employs haywire laser “the size of three football fields,” while providing incontrovertible proof that qualifying for MENSA is no guarantee that you’re smart.
• Epic "Train Wreck Entertainer" in Hospital…Yet Again.  Yes. It’s Amy. This time it’s because Ms. Winehouse fell at her home over the weekend; bruised ribs, forehead laceration.  Drugs not suspected – or at least, not mentioned.  Speculation that recent wastebasket-sized breast implants may have caused her to capsize.  No official confirmation.
• Islam’s Cleavage Earthquake Hypothesis… “Bust’ed.”  Women participate in “Boobquake Day” in response to Iranian Muslim cleric’s adamant assertion that immodestly clad females were the cause of recent earthquakes and volcanic activity.  “Boobquake” brought women to “Deep Cleavage Exposure” events in U.S. coast to coast on Monday to test theory.  Earth didn’t move…fatwa or not.
• New context for term, “cattle car.” Amtrak rolls out biodiesel  “Heartland Flyer,” – Ok. City to Ft. Worth – that runs, in part, on cow fat.  Fuel is 80% diesel, 20% rendered fat of cattle.  PETA, not impressed.  Says, “answer to pollution is not to use ground up remains of tortured animals for fuel.”  Amtrak will collect emission data and study fuel’s impact on locomotive’s engine, gasket and valves.  Doesn’t mention studying the impact on cows that wind up in the equivalent of an industrial Cuisinart.
• Can This Marriage be Saved? Short answer: No.  Amy Teresa Ricks of Utah has a new piece of jewelry.  An ankle bracelet.  Received from police after, they say, she blindfolded her husband and promised him “a surprise,” then hit him in the head with a hammer.  Reason not disclosed…presupposing there was one. He survived “felony aggravated assault,” and might want to think about hiding the chainsaw.

April 28: Goldman Sucks, John Edwards in a Three-Way (Dispute), and No Potty Breaks for NJ

• Goldman Sachs executives begin senate investigative hearing by delivering “opening statements” gibberish that appeared to have been researched-and-written, collaboratively, by Professor Irwin Corey, Donald Rumsfeld, Pogo and an Aardvark.  Developing…
• Award for “Most Endearing Email” attributed to Goldman Sachs Vice President Fabrice Tourre goes to (choose one).  A:  Describing U.S. subprime mortgage market:  “That business is totally dead, and the poor little subprime borrowers will not last so long!”   B:  Referring to toxic mortgage junk availabilities:  “I’ve managed to sell a few Abacus bonds to widows and orphans I ran into at the airport!”   Charming. 
• BULLETIN!  Washington D.C., Tuesday, 4/27/26.  1:16 p.m. EST. Goldman Sachs VP Fabrice Tourre tells Senate investigators he takes “full responsibility for my actions.” Repeat:  Tourre takes “full responsibility” for his own actions.  Don Imus vastly relieved.  Until Tourre’s responsibility statement, celebrated radio-television host believed he might be responsible for entire global financial collapse.  Already courageously dealing with prostate cancer…and that’s quite enough.
• KFC "Double Down"…stat!   Somebody please feed Sarah Jessica Parker.  5’2” tall…reported weight?  96 pounds.  Judging from recent photograph (April 26th issue, Star magazine), looks like “piano wire thin” actress might be preparing for dramatic role portraying a pipe cleaner.
• First the schools, now this:  “Jersey Governor Shuts Highway Toilets to Save Money.”  Bathrooms scheduled for death are on Interstate 80 at the Pennsylvania border and Interstate 295 at Delaware border.  Gov’s transportation commissioner:  “We just don’t have the money.”  Anticipated annual savings, $270,000.  New Jersey-bound motorists urged to ingest no liquids within 45 minutes of state line, squeeze knees together, and weep.
• John Edwards roars back into national spotlight.  And not in a good way.  Reportedly will have to testify in “Rielle Hunter vs. Andrew Young” court case May 13th regarding “hot sheets sex tryst” the couple is said to have recorded on videotape.  Ms. Hunter’s trying to get the tape away from Mr. Young…and Mr. Edwards is caught in the middle.  Possibly not the first time former senator has found himself in that particular position.
• Jesus Banned in Virginia. Activists urge Governor Bob McDonnell to lift a ban on Jesus in public prayers recited by state troopers.  Phrase, “in Jesus’ name,” was first prohibited by town of Fredericksburg City Council, then State Police Superintendent jumped on board – or “off” – depending on point of view.  Widely recognized Lord-of-Everything, not happy.  May require Va. State Police to switch cruiser fleet from Dodge products to Toyota products.
• Leave My Condiment Decisions to Me. Majority wants nanny-state to get the heck out of saltshaker.  75% in Rasmussen poll says FDA has no business dictating their personal sodium intake…quite capable of deciding how much to make their arteries look like Dick Cheney SpaghettiO’s all on their own, thank you.

April 27: Geithner Never Had a "Real Job," Tiger Woods Syndrome, and Something About Memory Loss...

• A Treasury Secretary’s Admirable Candor:  Timothy Geithner tells interviewer he went straight from college into government policy work; did nothing, ever, in the private sector.  Admitted Geithner, “I never had a real job.”   Observers express shock, noting how well he’s performed in current job…as U.S. debt roars past $13-trillion and seven more banks go “assets up” in nation’s Midwest. 
• Forget the U.S.-Mexican border, send troops to Chicago!  Two Illinois state representatives are asking Governor Pat Quinn to do precisely that; deploy the National Guard to the streets of Chicago.  How come?  As of Sunday, 113 people had been murdered there…the same number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan combined during the same period.  So, it’s ether troops…or just rename Chicago “Kandahar” and be done with it.  
• Royal Wedding, Off: Daughter of Sweden’s King Gustaf and Queen Silvia is bagging wedding plans.  27-year-old Madeleine discovered her intended suffers from acute T.W.S…for which there are only experimental treatments.  Lawyer Jonas Bergstrom reportedly contracted T.W.S. – “Tiger Woods Syndrome” – after he became engaged to the princess.  Undisclosed “in whose stall Jonas was a’kickin’.”
• Seniors run amok at popular Central Florida retirement community:  Doctor there says she is treating more cases of sexually transmitted disease at “The Villages” near Orlando than she did when she was in practice in Miami.  Blames lack of sex education, no risk of pregnancy among seniors, and… Viagra.  “Is that a bottle of blue pills in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”  Answer:  “Both.”
• And you’re taking brain supplements, why? Study to be published in June issue of American Journal of Clinical Nutrition finds no benefit in taking either or both of the most popular supplements for improving cognitive function, fish oil and gingko biloba.  So, forget about it.  But then, you probably already have.
• Recidivist doesn’t even get as far as the freakin’ front doors, for cryin’ out loud.  Brooksville, Fla. man, 34-year-old Clinton Ingram, on probation for grand theft, charged with stealing a pair of sunglasses in lobby of Hernando County Sheriff’s Office.  Ingram was there to register as a felon…and as though just to make sure nobody missed the fact by god…swipes deputy’s sunglasses from a table as he strolled out.  Caught on surveillance video, of course, and now adds petty theft and parole violation to his grand theft rap.  Jeezis.  Just say no.
• Short arm inspection! And, for cops in Papua, Indonesia…better not reveal any funny business.  Papua police officials frown on local “penis enlargement” tradition.  If yours is “enhanced,” forget about joining the force.  Unnatural size causes “hindrance during training.”  No kidding.  Enlargement is achieved by wrapping member’s member in the leaves of the “gatal-gatal” tree…an irritant that causes acute swelling…and…itching…like a wasp sting.  Thanks.  We’ll pass.  “Halt!  Or I’ll club you with….”   Never mind.