May 12: European Economies, Oil Executives, and Virgins for Sale

• Sobering note: International Monetary Fund says Greece still may not make it; fear that trillion dollar Greece and Euro bailout still not enough.  Also, Moody’s credit ratings agency is warning it might downgrade Portugal’s debt rating and further cut Greece’s rating to junk status.  Investors:  Given Moody’s performance in U.S. economic implosion – why don’t they just shut the hell up?
• NASA Devising New Way to Dump Tax Revenue into Black Hole. Space agency will partner with European counterpart to launch three spacecraft into solar orbit…firing laser beams at each other to determine whether Einstein’s prediction of  “gravity waves” was correct.  Haven’t yet calculated a bottom-line cost for ungodly expensive thumb-sucker…but expected to be the rough equivalent of bailing out every flopped economy in Europe.
• Appearing before senate committees, the heads of the three companies involved in Gulf oil disaster – Chief Executive Officers Larry, Curly and Moe – blame each other for causing calamity. Tell senators, “Oh no you don’t,” “Wise guy, eh?” and, “I’m a victim of soicumstance!”  Oil leak continues.
• Further proof that a ‘Higher Power’ absolutely exists.  Playboy magazine’s June edition features first-ever 3-D centerfold.  Bonus: Glasses included in purchase price.  And the Promise Keepers congregation said… “Amen.”
• Weapons of Mass Destruction, Found! They’re on a North Korean boat headed for Syria.  So says Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman whose receding hair is on fire over Commie’s illicit arms shipment.  Worse, Lieberman says Syria is merely a convenient waypoint for the material that’s actually intended for delivery to Hezbollah and Hamas.  And then, of course, a final “delivery” to Jewish homeland.  Not good. 
• Love for Sale. New TV “reality auction show” to be shot in Nevada:  Auction items?  Virgins.  Participants will be paid twenty grand to give it up for winning bidders, and will also receive 90 per cent of their “sale price.”  One 21-year-old woman’s thinking:  “Technically, I’m selling my virginity for money but since it’s not going to be a ‘regular thing,’ in my head I’m not going to be a prostitute.”  Fine line, fine line.  And it’s not really about your head.
• All right, drop the Jolly Rancher and slowly back away! Texas third-grader sent home – in tears – after she got a week’s detention for possessing contraband – a by god unopened Jolly Rancher candy!  Vigilant teacher confiscated it under Brazos Elementary School’s zero-tolerance junk food policy.  10-year-old penalized because, you know how it goes…first it’s a Jolly Rancher then a Blow Pop, then a Tootsie Roll and then god knows what.  Gotta nip this stuff in the bud.