May 11: Jesus Christ in Car Wreck, Muslim Nudie Hotel to Close, and No Prayers for Dinner

• More Containment Structures to be Deployed. Law enforcement authorities reveal plans to drop large containment domes over Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, Attorney General Eric Holder, and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg among others…in an effort to keep them from gushing any more specious nonsense trying to minimize terrorist activity affecting the U.S. homeland. 
• Jesus appears, is run over by Massachusetts motorist. Police responding to car-pedestrian accident in Northampton, Mass. found Jesus Christ sprawled in a crosswalk – where he’d been struck by a 20-year-old driver.   Officers checked victim’s ID.  Correct. Actual legal name: “Lord Jesus Christ.”  Paramedics said he suffered only minor injuries.  Healed very, very quickly.
• Wait…what??  “Muslim World’s First Nudist Hotel Forced to Close.”  Hotel Adaburnu Golmar located on Turkey’s Riviera, has been shut down just six days after opening.  But not by religious police.  Rather, because a balcony didn’t match an architectural specification.  Other than that – hey, no problem.   Oh, no “Turks,” however.  Foreigners only.  And staff must remain clothed.   But still…      No “fatwas” reported, so far.
• Breaking News, Port Fourchon, La: After humiliating containment dome flop, and an as yet unknown result from a “hail marry” attempt to plug Gulf leak with old tires and golf balls…B.P. technicians are working with a design team from Trojan Prophylactics to prepare a two-thousand-five-hundred foot long condom – “reservoir end” – to stretch over sunken rig’s damaged riser pipe.   Coast Guard:  Can’t be any worse than trying to shove Titleists and Michelins into the damn thing.  Developing…
• Mealtime prayers banned at Georgia Senior Center. You pray, you pay at Ed Young Senior Citizens Center near Savannah.  Returning Thanks prior to a meal that is subsidized by federal government violates separation of church and state, say food contractors who complain their funding could be at risk.  Shove it, reply seniors who complain their eternal souls could be at risk. Problem dumped in lap of mayor and town counsel. God silent on controversy so far.  Could be subpoenaed.
• How was that again, congressman?  Barney Frank, then ranking Democrat of the House Financial Services Committee, in 2003: “These two entities – Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac – are not facing any kind of financial crisis.”  Okay.  And today?  Fannie Mae has its hand out for another $8.4 billion on top of taxpayer bill for rescuing Fannie and its sibling Freddie that has already hit $145 billion … with no end in sight.  Might be time to check both your abacus and Ouija board, Mr. Frank. 
• Love is blind.  72-year-old Indiana grandmother is having an incestuous affair with her own grandson.  Grey-haired Pearl Carter is 72.  Grandson and lover, Phil, is 26.  And now it gets weird:  She’s reportedly paying for a sex partner for him so that he and the surrogate can have a baby, that age and biology deny grandma…that the couple could then adopt!  Whatever – grandma says of relationship:   “For the first time in years I feel sexually alive.”   More information than we required.   Sic-sacs available on request.