May 13: Rush, Vitamins, and Muslim Clerics

• Breaking news!  Greek workers call for 24-hour general strike.  Sociologists studying Greek work ethic ask, “How will they know?”   Developing…
• BP pinning its hope of stemming the massive Gulf oil spill on a “top hat” device …a much smaller containment dome being dropped over the largest leak.  If tactic fails again, plan B calls for Gulf state tourism agencies to sell public on the idea of “no birds, turtles, fish and the like competing for space on ‘newly redecorated’ black beaches.”
• North Korea:  “We Have Achieved Nuclear Fusion!”  Communist nation says it has successfully produced long elusive fusion reaction that could one day provide a virtually limitless supply of clean energy.  Isolated regime says landmark achievement means it can now go on to tackle toilet tissue, soap, gruel and those flip-flops made out of old tire treads.
• Radical Muslim cleric wanted by U.S. will not be handed over by Yemen’s government if he is captured there.  Foreign minister says American-born Anwar al-Awlaki would instead be placed on trial in Yemen because “he must be tried in his homeland and never by other governments.”  Let’s figure this out:  Al-Awlaki was born in New Mexico.  What part of  “his homeland” is so difficult to understand here?
• Not sufficiently confused yet about popping nutritional supplements?  Here’s no help:  New study from scientists at L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute finds “mega-doses” of vitamins and other supplements – that some studies have suggested might be good for you – could in fact predispose you to developing cancer.   But then, it’s a heart institute.  What do they know?  Butt out. 
• “Hello.  I’m a PC, and I’m a MAC.”   Microsoft officially releases “Office 2010,” the first update to the company’s principal productivity programs since “Office 2007.”  Gun and Ammo shops complain they can’t keep up with sales surge from crash-addled PC users planning to kill themselves.
• Intelsat Corporation believes a solar storm damaged the steering controls of its Galaxy 15 satellite.  The wandering orbit could knock out TV service for millions by interfering with the path of another communications satellite used by U.S. cable companies.  Horrors!  Might have to miss NBC programming and everything else that sucks that has humankind devolving back to a no-opposable-thumbs level.
• According to Zev Chafets new book, “Rush Limbaugh:  An Army of One,” President Obama, when asked if he would play a round of golf with Rush, reportedly replied:  “Limbaugh can play with himself.”   Well, yeah, but what about golf?