April 23: Too Big to Carpool, Eco-Sex, and Wide-Ranging Divorces

• Too Big to Car Pool?  President, Vice President, observe Earth Day, how?  By taking a couple of separate jets 250 miles – Washington to New York – to land at separate airports and make separate appearances that were within a few miles and minutes of each other; Mr. Biden on “The View,” 11 a.m. – Mr. Obama in the Financial District, 11:55 a.m.  Inconvenient fact?  Boeing 747 burns approximately one gallon of fuel per second.  Horrors!  What would Mr. Gore say?? 
• Biggest Loser: You!  Missourian gives the rest of America a sense of what Madoff’s victims went through.  Wins $258 million PowerBall lottery. One damn ticket Which means you just lost $258-million, sucker.  How’s it feel?
• Borneo:  Project to conserve one of the oldest rain forests in the world is paying dividends through discovery of some 123 new species including a lungless frog, a frog that flies, and, “a slug that shoots love darts”… that will be identified by the formal zoological binomial nomenclature: “Jessicus Jamesus.”
• Earth Day:  Author of book, “Eco-Sex” uses observance to take readers to task for not “greening” their sex lives. Suggestions: Oysters instead of Viagra; bicycle dates; no Valentine’s cards, they generate too much waste; wear bamboo underwear, and adopt rather than procreate.  Good idea, especially if a non-procreation policy would prevent people who grow up to write idiotic books about “greening your sex life,” for godssake.
• PETA protesters demonstrate outside Queens, NY restaurant that serves…live octopuses.  Appeal to management to knock it off, on obvious grounds of animal cruelty that includes severing living animal’s tentacles at table. While you may be forgiven for wondering about it – head chef is not believed to be Michael Vick.
• Saudi Arabian Wife Granted Divorce.  And why is this news?  Wife is 11.  Husband is 80.  That’s why.  “Wife” had been trying to get shed of living fossil she got saddled with – in another of kingdom’s infamous “arranged marriages” – for over a year.  Saudi “Human Rights Commission” (not an oxymoron) promises to “monitor” such marriage arrangements in a new co-operation with international children’s rights agencies.  Progress!
• North Korea - yes, North Korea - Boasts One of World’s Longest Running TV Comedy Shows.  “It's So Funny,” has aired since the early 1970’s.  Only problem? Not funny. Principal intent, glorification of “The General” Kim Jong-Il.  Recent sample killer dialogue:  “If we soldiers see beans, we become happy.” Woman replies: “If we farm in the way the General tells us, we will become happy.”  Both laugh.  Mostly military audience doesn’t laugh.  Unless specifically “ordered” to do so.  Sort of like Conan.