April 26: The Aliens Among Us Come in Many Forms

• Apologies to the Pope.  From the U.K. Where an official Foreign Office memorandum, leaked to the Sunday Telegraph, contains a number of references to the church’s child abuse scandal and suggests that the Pontiff use his visit to Britain later this year to launch a brand of “Benedict The Sixteenth” condoms.  Government apologized. Bishops Conference of England and Wales brands memo, “a joke that’s gone out of control.”  Critics note, however, conference’s criticism could characterize bishops themselves.
• Don’t Phone E.T.  Celebrated astrophysicist Stephen Hawking says yes indeed, aliens exist, and it could be deadly if we ever do succeed in making contact with them…so stop trying.  Hawking’s fears:  Extraterrestrials would simply conquer Earth, or worse, space voyagers might prove to be a race of Keith Olbermann-like creatures, or even “Karl Rove-ian.”  One of each seems quite sufficient.
• But wait… “They’re here!”  Reuters Ipsos survey discovers 1 in 5 believe aliens walk among us disguised as humans.  More men than women – 22 percent versus 17 percent – believe that extraterrestrials are indeed in our midst. Asked to identify possible aliens, respondents pointed to such suspected specimens as Nancy Pelosi, Lady Gaga, former congressman J.D. Hayworth, Keith Richards, and Fox News anchor, Neil Cavuto – pointing to Klingon-like dimensions of latter example’s head.
• Why You’re Broke:  Because your ever-vigilant economic guardians at the Securities and Exchange Commission were downloading “Shaving Ryan’s Privates,” “Breakfast on Tiffany,” “Presumed Impotent” and “Hannah and Her Blisters” rather than keeping current on Bernie Madoff’s spread sheets, or anything else in their damned job descriptions for that matter.  Brings fresh context to the familiar securities trade slang…“pump and dump.”
• Craniofacial reconstruction experts heartened by news that a team in Spain has performed the world’s first full face transplant.  Patient underwent 24-hour procedure conducted by 30 medics at Barcelona Hospital.  Hope seen for Donatella Versace, Keith Richards, Don Imus, among others.
• Toyota “emergency control” update:  After further review of Toyota control problems, experts have revised their advice on emergency steps to be taken when cars fail to respond to normal control inputs.  Rather than applying brakes, attempting to shutdown engine which frequently only causes frustration – analysts now say to steer vehicle quickly toward a “known motion arrestor.”  Examples given:  Tree, concrete bridge abutment, or building in close proximity to roadway.  Engineers assure, “car will stop.”  Then contact dealer if still able to operate a phone.
• Sports news:  Phillies fans continue to raise the bar on….something.  We report.  You decide.  21-year-old man arrested after sticking his finger down his throat, inducing regurgitation, and then urping on an off-duty police captain and his family…because a buddy got kicked out of a Phillies-Nationals game for acting like – well – a Phillies fan.  Charge – aggravated assault.  Though probably should have been, had the statute existed, “nauseated assault.”