Today's Headlines

• Cleveland:  GOP State Senator Tim Grendell reports Ohio is spending $1 million on highway signs to advertise the use of stimulus money for road projects.  Which breaks down this way:  the state, spending your money, to tell you it’s spending your money.  Congratulations, sucker.  “Your tax dollars at work.”

• Bring it on:  Chandler, Arizona’s “Heart Attack Grill” sues Delray, Florida’s “Heart Stopper’s Grill” in intellectual property dispute…charges Heart Stopper’s “medically themed restaurant” ripped off Heart Attack’s “medically themed restaurant.”  Both feature menus based on ingredients that caused stents to have to be implanted in Bill Clinton’s arterial shunts, and both are damned proud about it.   Stick it, PETA.

• Business news:  Based on utter failure of taxpayer funded TARP to induce banks to lend money – program to be retitled, TRAP.

• Toyota quality problems force adjustment in company’s “estimated mileage” performance figures.  2010 Camry consumer sticker information will be revised to state:  “22 mpg city, 33 mpg highway. However, if veering into bridge abutment or hurtling over cliff, your mileage may differ.”

• UK gardener takes exception to anatomy slur:  Tells court he “lost it” when his mistress made fun of his penis size and that’s why she’ll not have the opportunity to demean dimensions again – ever.  Police say 50-year-old defendant Peter Ling – honest – ended disparaging comments by applying chunk of rock to taunter’s skull.   Defense says it wasn’t “murder,” but rather “manslaughter by provocation.”  Novel.  The trial continues.

• Hollywood:  “Robert Redford receives Robert Redford award.”  Actor honored with USC School of Theater’s “Robert Redford Award for Engaged Artists” – recognizing both film career and social work.  Redford is a longtime political and environmental activist and, it appears, an equally longtime narcissist as well.

• Low intelligence among top heart risks?  Significant health threat identified by British researchers. UK’s Medical Research Council study finds intelligence ranks second only to smoking as a predictor of heart disease…suggesting public health campaigns may need to be designed for people with lower IQs.  Study seen as raising red flag for U.S. Congress.

• Mesa, Arizona man arrested after flashing a plastic bag filled with drugs in front of a police officer…who noticed suspect was shirtless, wearing women’s pants with “strategically located” hole in the crotch, his own underwear around his neck and aluminum foil on his head.  Tested positive for – wait for it – methamphetamine.   “Nothing to see here…move along, move along.”