Friday's Headlines

• “What would Jesus bid?”  Today’s weird image of a member of the Holy Family comes to us from Wichita, Kansas – where Jesus turned up on a bathroom door.  But when the party to whom the miracle appeared tried to peddle the door on eBay?  No takers.  Even at an opening bid of 99 cents.  Commenters complained image looked more like an owl than a savior.  All in the eye of the beholder, o’ ye of little faith.

• “Homeland Security is on the case…so what could possibly go wrong?”  An accounting of guns carried by the nation’s Homeland Security officers reveals over 200 were left in bowling alleys, public restrooms, unlocked cars or other “unsecured locations,” and were lost – yes “lost,” as in “honey, have you see my Glock?” – by Homeland Security agents.  A spokesman says, “The department is strongly committed to ensuring that weapons are kept secure.”  Great.  How about the homeland?

• Worst-case scenario ever for 24-hour cable news:  Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department unveils new guidelines for car pursuits with the goal of fewer chases.  Shep Smith placed on suicide watch.

• “Oh, the irony.”  Sakichi Toyoda, early Japanese industrialist and great grandfather of current Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda, implemented automation concept of “Jidoka” that came to be foundational to Toyota production systems.  And what is “Jidoka” principle?  “The machine stops itself when a problem occurs.”   That’s working really well.

• Thank goodness we’re being kept safe from 12-year olds with Hi-Liters!   Like Alexa Gonzalez, who doodled on her Junior High desk in Forest Hills, New York:  “I love my friends, Abby and Faith.”  Clap her in irons!  Which, under the school’s apparent “zero tolerance of ANYTHING” policy, they did.  Handcuffed her, took her to the local police precinct.  Our nation sleeps better tonight.

• Kansas’ Sternberg Museum of Natural History gears up for exhibit called “The Science of Super-Croc,” scheduled to open next month.  Depending on the severity of winter meteorological conditions at the time, officials say “Super-Croc” will focus either on an ancient, 40 foot long, 10 ton reptile…or global warming.

• South Carolina moves to make holiday family gatherings more “sober” events:  24 house members push bill to ban alcohol sales on Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day.  Savvy, because no citizens would ever think about stocking up at the liquor store the day before Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day.  Fine work, legislators!

• “What’s the airline fee for a freakin’ bar of soap?”  Air Canada passenger thrown off Canadian domestic flight for boarding aircraft with armpit bombs.  Smelled so foul people seated several rows distant, fore and aft, thought something had died in the a/c system.  Spokesman would only say that a passenger had, indeed, been “deplaned.”   “De-loused,” too?  One can hope.